There's often a moment in everyone's life that you are hit with the realization that somethings changed. For me its been over the past few months I think. With the health battles over the past 2 years I just assumed it was a season in my life and that like anything else there would be a fix and things would turn back to how they were. I would heal physically and bounce back to being a working mom and living the average life of a 29 year old. The realization is now becoming that its not just a season for me but a life change. I can't just fix the health stuff its a new way of life for us and the health battles aren't going to mysteriously go away by snapping my fingers.
Going to the doctors in Cleveland today I was sure they would have a fix for me, I was sure they would say I needed surgery and then we could start getting back to the way things were and although it would be a difficult journey it would be the start to new beginnings. What today has shown me is that maybe instead of looking for a new journey I need to embrace the one I'm on. Its becoming more aware that this is now my life. It could always be much worse and there are people who would love to have my easy circumstances. I think there's this defining moment in everyone's life and how we all come to a point where you realize "maybe i should have just been ok with the moment." When I look at the journey we have traveled in the past 2 years its seriously crazy. I remember a time of daily nursing visits, constant terrible pain, sleeping in a chair, multiple surgeries, extended hospital stays away from my family and many missed memories with my sweet daughter. We may have to travel that road again soon and it makes me stop and be thankful for this moment. Although it may still be difficult, its not as bad as it once was. Today my prayer is:
Jesus, give me an insatiable craving to breathe the moments of today in and be content with my circumstances now. Remind me of the journey we have traveled and help me to be humble and thankful for what I do have and not what I don't. I trust that if there is a fix You will be in that place and if there isn't a fix I praise you still for being there even still. Break my selfish spirit when I try and take away control from your plans and remind me to live surrendering to Your plans for my life and not the ones I wish. Jesus I believe in Your faithfulness and hand it over to You tonight again, and again and again.
There is nothing-no circumstance, no trouble, no-testing that can ever touch me until, first of all it has gone past God and past Christ right through to me. If it has come that far, it has come with a GREAT PURPOSE, which I may not understand at the moment. As I refuse to become panicky, as I lift my eyes up to Him and accept it as coming from the throne of God for some great purpose of blessing to my own heart, no sorrow will ever disturb me, no trial will ever disarm me, no circumstance will ever cause me to fret-for I shall rest in the joy of what my Lord is- that is the rest of VICTORY!!!!