There is nothing-no circumstance, no trouble, no-testing that can ever touch me until, first of all it has gone past God and past Christ right through to me. If it has come that far, it has come with a GREAT PURPOSE, which I may not understand at the moment. As I refuse to become panicky, as I lift my eyes up to Him and accept it as coming from the throne of God for some great purpose of blessing to my own heart, no sorrow will ever disturb me, no trial will ever disarm me, no circumstance will ever cause me to fret-for I shall rest in the joy of what my Lord is- that is the rest of VICTORY!!!!

Thursday, September 3, 2015

Choosing to love....

A few years ago I wrote a blog about my husband and the love encapsulated within in our marriage. I shared a very real and honest testimony of how marriage has been difficult for us and I can bet we aren’t alone. Life is difficult and when you have two imperfect humans brought together you double the mess and the hardships. It’s much easier to tackle the stressors of life with a teammate but it doesn’t divide the heartache that will come because there are two of you. It’s heartbreaking to see so many broken marriages, or marriages and relationships today that lack love and commitment. I’m not talking about that warm fuzzy feeling so many people call love because after a while the butterflies in your tummy that you had when you first met him or her will run out.
I love my husband but there are moments where I don’t like him so much, and vice versa. The idea of commitment I’m talking about is the decision to love the other person in a sacrificial selfless way. Love is a daily decision we make to remove the selfishness and love another more than our own plans, desires, or agenda. I always love the idea that “love is a decision and not just a feeling.” This is so true and one of the hardest things in life a lot of us I learn I think because there are moments when I don’t feel all warm and fuzzy inside in my marriage and I know my husband Scott would say the same thing. There have been moments where I wanted to scream and I have driven him to the edge many times also. It’s not just about this giddy romance that keeps us together it’s a daily decision that we made a commitment to God and each other that regardless of how tough life would get we would make the choice to tough it out together. Now that doesn’t mean every day is difficult and a struggle to just stay in my marriage without any of the good, warm fuzzy stuff because I love my husband but we have had our seasons as most couples. There are moments where I am madly in love and other times where life is difficult and its a battle.

I think most people have this idea in their heads about what a relationship entails whether it be a romantic relationship, a friendship, a work relationship, or a spiritual commitment and there is this idea that because there is a bond between the two then things will just magically fall into place and the fairytale will write a story that’s “happily ever after.” What people don’t realize though that yes this bond brought you together but there has to be a whole lot of blood, sweat, and tears to keep the relationship going. The sacrifice and choice I’m talking about isn’t just in marriages but is the foundation for any a relationship you have. Whether it be with a parent, a sibling, a aunt, uncle, friend, coworker, pastor, whatever the situation there is still this desperate need for sacrifice to show genuine care and concern for the other person. Sometimes its hard because we may have the best intentions but we have to realize it takes putting others first, above ourselves and saying regardless of how much they hurt me and how difficult it can be at times I will choose to love this person, not because I always like and agree with them but because I am putting aside my selfishness for the survival of our relationship.

Over the past few years I have had major health struggles and have been in the hospital for weeks and weeks at times and my husband has had to endure a lot because of it. I know there are marriages that wouldn’t have lasted dealing with the things we have, and I know there are a lot of guys who would have left a long time ago but my husband has continually showed me what love is about and how unconditional it is. Despite my illness and the burden that has been on him he still chooses to get up every day and love me and endure the pain with me. I think it’s easy when the going gets tough to give up and throw in the towel but love is about sticking it out and fighting for that person because you are desperate to have them apart of your life. When someone hurts you, disappoints you, persecutes you, it’s in that moment where you have the opportunity to love them . Love is done in a way that doesn’t expect anything in return but is about a sacrifice and saying…regardless of what happens I will choose to put others before me. Love isn’t about the feeling you get, but the ability you have to offer yourself to someone, emotionally and sacrificially to serve and love them. 1 Corinthians 13:7 (The message) Love never gives up. Love cares more for others than for self. Love doesn't want what it doesn't have. Love doesn't strut, Doesn't have a swelled head, Doesn't force itself on others, Isn't always "me first, Doesn't fly off the handle, Doesn't keep score of the sins of others,Doesn't revel when others grovel,Takes pleasure in the flowering of truth, Puts up with anything, Trust God always, Always looks for the best, Never looks back,But keeps going to the end

Sunday, August 16, 2015

Battle Cry....

Each day I rise for battle, physically, emotionally and spiritually I dress for the enemies attack. Some days I know the battle will be exhausting and other days I boldly walk forward with confidence but it's never without testing. I doubt my ability to stand, there are moments I would rather seek shelter and hide. I have never done this before and wish I was better prepared but the enemy rings it's battle cry NOW. I often ask why me and what lead us here but that only drains the energy out if this moment and I instead I must focus on now. I feel guilty for questioning the battle and purpose of it all but seek peace to keep going. When doubt starts seeping into the vulnerable places of my heart I hold tight to grace and strength for each moment. Sometimes it infuses in like a calming breathe of fresh air and others a little piece of encouragement or kind word from a friend but either way another second passes, another step forward....victory.

Today I will choose joy for the steps we have taken and hope for where we are going. I will be proud of the battles we have won and press on with perseverance towards moments yet unseen. I refuse to give up, I proclaim my own battle cry, it's not finished we press on.

Saturday, August 15, 2015

So many thoughts, so many emotions.......Sometimes I feel like a hamster in a wheel, running as fast as it's little legs can go but not moving from the spot it's in. But then you stop and think about think about the choice to get on the wheel and actually run and realize it's gotta be meaningful. For me it's been FEAR that kept me for so long from even getting on the wheel. Fear of the unknown, it sounds silly because if it's an unknown road we are facing how do we associate fear with it because we don't know what's ahead so really it may just be fear of doing what we have always done. Fear in letting go....They say insanity is defined as "doing what you always did and expecting different results."

But you come to a point where the heaviness of each day is too much, the cycle of what's comfortable is actually miserable. Change is hard but the feeling of being stuck and in chains to misery is not living, not experiencing the abundance God has for us. You can focus on the the past or you can allow it to motivate and launch you into a new place in life, you can face the fear head on and look the tiger in the eye. It's scary but ultimately worth the fight.

Each day is a step forward and each moment a new opportunity to learn and grow. I want to be more like Jesus, I want my life to reflect joy, surrender, brokenness but ultimately RESTORATION !! I want my story to reflect His grace and my journey to mean something, there is always purpose in our pain. It doesn't mean the pain is ok and what we have been through always is fair but it means that God is powerful enough to use the junk for good. "He works all things together for my good!" Romans 8:28

Today I will celebrate being in the wheel and running as fast as my little legs can go, I will celebrate how far we have come and the joy and journey that's ahead. I will allow yesterday to motivate me to seek new heights today and to not be ok with where we were but hunger for where we are many thoughts, so many emotions, but really feeling, and I'm ok.....

Saturday, July 25, 2015


Each step brings a different awareness. One second your in agony and you think at the end of all human capability and strength. Then something deep inside thirsts for more, that thirst is so intense that the same cycle you have been in leaves you dissatisfied, unquenched. That thirst can remain or motivate you to seek higher levels of satisfaction. It gets boring staying the same, we realize in the monotony that we always were meant for more. There's always greatness to obtain in this life, there's always more beyond this moment and when that next milestone is achieved we push even more, we never give up and stay the same. This morning the thirst grew unquenchable, I longed for more. I prayed for my heart to be still but my god said "I have more for you!l so I pushed harder than before, I walked faster for awhile until He sparked a motivation deep inside I never believed I had in myself anymore and I started running..... I didn't run for long today but tomorrow is another story. It's gonna be hard for awhile just as walking was but I refuse to give up and I refuse to settle for anything but greatness because that's who God says I am. So tomorrow i will walk and then slowly run, for how long I don't know, but I will move forward either way.

Saturday, July 18, 2015


"You call me out upon the waters, the great UNKNOWN my feet may fail, and there I find YOU in the mystery in oceans deep, my FAITH WILL STAND!"

I started a journey two weeks ago, an UNKNOWN journey. Each step brings a different emotion and each emotion a deeper grasp of FAITH. I have cried, laughed, begged, pleaded, bartered, and traded the groaning of my guilt ridden heart for a badge of GRACE and FREEDOM. It hasn't been easy but in my weakest moments I have found Gods strength. As I sat in a pit of despair He whispered gently in my ear that I have been restored and He has washed away my iniquities. You see He didn't always carry me but I had to intentionally reach out through the mud and mess of my life and in my brokenness surrender and He has walked beside me each painful moment to victory.

It's a work in progress but what I have discovered along the way is a hunger and passion to know my HEALER and not just long for my HEALING.

"I will call upon YOUR name keep my eyes above the waves when oceans rise, my soul will REST in YOUR embrace, for I am YOURS and you are mine!"

Sunday, May 10, 2015

The Many Faces of Motherhood

A mothers heart has such depth and dimension to it. Over the past few days I started thinking about the many different designs of motherhood that I know. As a newlywed couple 10 years ago we found out that I was pregnant with our daughter Macie. We weren't planning to have children for a few years at this point but God has other plans. When I met our daughter my my heart exploded and I fell in love. Then a few years later we decided to try and have another child so Macie could have a brother or sister. After struggling with lots of infertility treatments and procedures we were devastated because the dream of motherhood that I had dreamed for my life was looking very different.  It was then that I started to understand the heart of a mother and the many different facets they took on. Over the past few years I have watched both of my sisters become step mothers and now biological mothers. The heart of a mother has such depth and dimension to it because it allows us to be selfless, caring, compassionate, it allows us to be courageous and to fight for our kids, dream for our kids, laugh with our kids and cry with our kids. I have watched my sisters nurture and love their stepsons in the very same way that I do with my daughter who is my biological child. I watch my sisters give of themselves selflessly to their stepsons, they hope with them, dream with them, pray with them, cry with them and triumph with them.I know Mother's who have adopted children and the love that they have for them is as instant and unconditional as the love I have for my child. The heart of a mother is about being selfless day in and day out and choosing to put someone else before themselves. The heart of a mother isn't learned but just exists. There are women who struggle with infertility and the way that they approach treatments and confusing diagnosis exemplifies their mothers heart already to keep pressing on and put their dream of motherhood first. For our lives the idea of motherhood took on a very different meaning than we ever thought but I couldn't imagine any other way. Maybe motherhood looks different for you than you thought it would like? But one thing is for certain, the Lord created within us the most sensitive hearts to equip us to have hearts like a mother.

From my friend Aleisha Rust:

Happy Mother's day - 

To the mama's with full hearts. To the mama's with broken hearts. To the fur mama's. The didn't know you would ever be mama's and the mama's that long to be. To my girlfriends, my Aunts, my Grandmother's, my Mom in love and most of all my own mama. YOU are kind. You are fearless. YOU ARE...important.

Mother's day originated as a day of remembrance for those that have lost babies. On this day I am thankful not only for my 4 here with me, but I am grateful to my 4 with wings I have yet to hold in my arms. This day can be heavy for some and I want you to know, today we celebrate YOU. 

You are amazing. You are kind and you are loved. Happy mother's day heart emoticon

Monday, January 12, 2015