There is nothing-no circumstance, no trouble, no-testing that can ever touch me until, first of all it has gone past God and past Christ right through to me. If it has come that far, it has come with a GREAT PURPOSE, which I may not understand at the moment. As I refuse to become panicky, as I lift my eyes up to Him and accept it as coming from the throne of God for some great purpose of blessing to my own heart, no sorrow will ever disturb me, no trial will ever disarm me, no circumstance will ever cause me to fret-for I shall rest in the joy of what my Lord is- that is the rest of VICTORY!!!!

Thursday, June 7, 2018


Time is such and interesting concept. In the eyes of Science they have it down to an exact measurement, but to our human minds and hearts it becomes a little more complicated, for sure. Thanks to Science we can measure an entire day by 24 hours, 1,440 minutes and 86,400 seconds. Even with so many uncertainties in life we can always rest assured that each day is the same, it starts with 1 and ends with 24 hours, 1,440 minutes and 86, 400 seconds. It all seems so simple and matter of fact doesn't it? Regardless of how concrete the measure of time is once we add all that human stuff, like emotions and feelings, it quickly becomes not so absolute.

My husbands Grandparents Ray and Esta were married for over 70 years,  and my Great Grandparents Earl and Bernice were married for 63 years. Both couples stood the test of time when it came to marriage. They both had been married for over 60 years and stayed true to their vows "until death us do part." to me trying to envision that period of time seems impossible, forever, crazy:) Maybe its because we have only been married for 14 years and we still have quite a ways to go. One day though I had a conversation with Grandma Cameron about her marriage and she told me "it felt like at some moments they were just married yesterday and it was hard for her to grasp it had been that many years."

When our daughter was born almost 13 years ago the c-section went quickly and within a matter of a couple minutes she was born. It blows my mind that in 2 minutes, or 120 mississippi's:) my life changed so dramatically and beautifully, and now as we prepare for her 13th Birthday I can't imagine our lives before her and all the 24 hours, 1,440 minutes, and 86,400 seconds we have shared together. Although time can be measured by Science its really the situation or circumstance that measures the length of those moments for us.

I have known friends who have been diagnosed with Cancer and upon hearing their diagnosis it was if time had completely stopped. We all are given the same amount of time each day, but I think the trials and triumphs have the ability to personalize how we measure time individually. Life has the ability each day to bring pain, sorrow, grief, joy, excitement, new life and death, and through ours own humanness we somehow let time jump forward, crawl backwards and there are even moments where time seems to altogether just stop.

When I had surgery 5 years ago I knew it would be a big moment in my life and my families lives, but instead of it being a trial in the past the impact it had on me literally made me feel as if time stopped. The world continued on around me and I tried living each day like everyone else but it was alot of pretending and still dragging the surgery junk into my new life that was evolving, I never wanted to accept how much that surgery still had kept me in bondage to it. "But most of all I didn't know how to travel light. "Odds are, I did this morning. Somewhere between the first step on the floor and the last step out the door you grabbed some luggage.You stepped over to the baggage carousel and loaded up. Don't remember doing so? That's because you did it without thinking. Don't remember seeing a baggage terminal? That's because you did it without thinking. Don't remember seeing a baggage terminal? That's because that carousel is not the one on the airport; its the one in the mind. And the bags we grab are not made of leather; they are made of burdens. The suitcase of guilt, a sack of discontentment. You drape a duffel bag of weariness on one shoulder and a hanging bag of grief on the other. Add on a backpack of doubt, an overnight bag of loneliness and a trunk of fear."  (Max Lucado"                        I never wanted to admit the pain and disappointment it brought and how all that pain broke me down physically, emotionally and spiritually. It was if I was paralyzed in my fear, so much so that my identity had been changed. It's almost impossible at times for me to really imagine my life before surgery and to know that I was ok, I was happy and living and my own person. I wasn't attached to fear or worry but I was just free.

"You're Shattered
Like You've Never Been Before
The Life You Knew
 A Thousand Pieces On the Floor
And Words Fall Short In Times Like These
When This World Drives You To Your Knees
You Think You're Never Gonna Get Back
To the You that Used to be"
Danny Gokey

See the person I was before the surgery is the person I long to be. I no longer want to life stuck in that fear and pain. Even if disappointment may still come I still want to try moving forward and leave the heartache behind, it has no place in my future so for now on it can be a mere memory. I know longer want to see my life since the surgery only or feel it like its always been there, i'm cutting the ropes and letting it go as I continue on, I no longer need to carry all that baggage of sorry and pain. It will be so much freer walking into my future without all that unnecessary bondage. Its time to move on and let the past be left in the past. I can still take away all the things God showed me and taught me along the way but it's time to use the pain and allow Him to Breathe New Life into it for good, it's time to use it in the future and say goodbye to the pain, its time to tell this heart to beat again!!!!!!!!!

 "Tell Your Heart To Beat Again
Close Your Eyes And Breathe It In
Let The Shadows Fall Away
Step Into The Light of Grace
Yesterday's A Closing Door
You Don't Have to Life There Anymore
Say Goodbye to Where You've Been
And Tell Your Heart to Beat Again......."
Danny Gokey

To all who mourn in Israel, he will give a crown of beauty for ashes, a joyous blessing instead of mourning, festive praise instead of despair. In their righteousness, they will be like great oaks that the LORD has planted for his own glory.

Wednesday, August 30, 2017

Abandoned to Your Will Jesus.....

In the moments where the hurt cut so deeply the only salve to sooth my soul is Jesus. When the winds rage around me and my mind swarms with confusion I find myself pressing tightly against His chest and the tempo of my being flowing calmly to the melody of my Saviors heart. There are moments where my humanness wants to cower in a corner in fear and my heart tries to resist the troubled waters of my circumstances. At times I even feel like I want to run and fall apart but then in the midst of my broken desperation His strength rises up within me and the longing in my heart to glorify Him and become more like Jesus leaps forward. "Lord, I don't want to waver through unbelief regarding Your promises, but I desire to be strengthened in my faith and give glory to You, God, being fully persuaded that You have power to do what You promise" Romans 4:20-21. As difficult as our suffering in this life can be it's in those moments where our strength runs out, its in those moments where we feel like we have fought tirelessly that we realize the closeness we have found in Christ.

"I'll lift my empty hands come fill me up again. Have Your way my King, I'll lift my eyes again." Sidewalk Prophets

I love that verse in the song "Help Me Find It" because in those moments where we are so incredibly broken and all we can do is lift our empty hands, our hands that are ready to receive the blessings God has for us. "Be still and know that I am God" Psalm 46:10. In this life there are often moments that take us off guard, there are moments where we don't have the answers and we can't be in control but as we abandon ourselves before Christ "He is able to do immeasurably more than we could ever imagine" Ephesians 3:20

Right now I don't know what the future holds for my life and our family. I know we have a difficult battle ahead and so today I put my trust in Jesus the author and perfecter of my life. I cry out to Him and trust that through Him we are MORE than conquerors and although the battle wont be easy I know God will sustain us every second of the way because in His word He promises to "never leave us nor forsake us"  

"Lord, I pray that one day I will begin to consider my precious losses gains for the sake of Christ as You use my suffering, my life, and my testimony. Whatever was to my profit I now consider loss for the sake of Christ. What is more, I consider everything a loss compared to the surpassing greatness of knowing Christ Jesus my Lord, for whose sake I have lost all things. I want to gain You, Christ, and be found in You" Beth Moore.

"The cross that Jesus commands you and me to carry is the cross of submissive obedience to the will of God, even when His will includes suffering and hardship and things we don't want to do. It is a willingness to totally, absolutely, irrevocably, and finally yield our lives to Him because we want what He wants more than what we want." -Anne Graham Lotz

Friday, January 1, 2016

Choosing Hope and Greatness....

With my toes dangling slightly over the edge of the cliff a fear of the unknown below starts to creep in. Although the details of the next step are unknown the solid place in which I have been planted on for quiet some time now is coming to a close and it's time to move on. The path in which I have already traveled has had its fair shares of ups and downs but it's become a place of safety and contentment. Although part of me longs to stay in this very place for a little longer there is a hunger deep within and drive for something new, bold and adventurous. In 5 hours that giant leap towards the unknown will become a reality. We will no longer be able to stay in the safety of 20015 but instead be forced to step into the unknown of 2016. As the world counts down 5,4, 3, 2, 1 we will bid another year goodbye and say hello to new possibilities.

Today I was thinking about how right this very moment we are on the verge of possibly the greatest year of our lives, or again it could be one of the worst years of our lives, either way it's a mystery yet to be unlocked and unraveled. Maybe this year was the greatest year you have ever had and you find yourself struggling with letting go, or maybe its been the worst year of your life and you are desperate for a new beginning. Although there are many unknowns, one thing is for certain and that is that we have the ability and choice to clothe ourselves in an attitude of praise in spite of our circumstances. We have the choice now to start fresh and hope for greatness.

The difficulties of yesterday are gone, wiped clean, and the path is cleared ahead for Christ to lead us towards greatness. This year as we move from 2015 to 2016 I'm laying down the things from the past. I'm choosing to let go of the pain and struggles of 2015 so that my hands are empty and ready to receive the blessings and beauty of 2016. Askyourself today this; "what will you gain when you lose?" I love that quote and the thought of how when we truly let go of the past God has so much planned for us to gain because our hands are open to receive them. 1 Corinthians  2:9 "No eye has seen, no ear has heard no mind can imagine the plans that God has for those who love Him."

"I myself go before you and will be with you. So do not be afraid; not not be discouraged. I, your loving Savior, am also infinite God! I am omnipresent: present everywhere at once. This makes it possible for Me to go ahead of you-opening up the way-without ever leaving your side. The promise of My presence is for all time. No matter where you go or what circumstances you encounter, I will be with you. This is the basis of your courage and confidence" Sarah Young.

Thursday, September 3, 2015

Choosing to love....

A few years ago I wrote a blog about my husband and the love encapsulated within in our marriage. I shared a very real and honest testimony of how marriage has been difficult for us and I can bet we aren’t alone. Life is difficult and when you have two imperfect humans brought together you double the mess and the hardships. It’s much easier to tackle the stressors of life with a teammate but it doesn’t divide the heartache that will come because there are two of you. It’s heartbreaking to see so many broken marriages, or marriages and relationships today that lack love and commitment. I’m not talking about that warm fuzzy feeling so many people call love because after a while the butterflies in your tummy that you had when you first met him or her will run out.
I love my husband but there are moments where I don’t like him so much, and vice versa. The idea of commitment I’m talking about is the decision to love the other person in a sacrificial selfless way. Love is a daily decision we make to remove the selfishness and love another more than our own plans, desires, or agenda. I always love the idea that “love is a decision and not just a feeling.” This is so true and one of the hardest things in life a lot of us I learn I think because there are moments when I don’t feel all warm and fuzzy inside in my marriage and I know my husband Scott would say the same thing. There have been moments where I wanted to scream and I have driven him to the edge many times also. It’s not just about this giddy romance that keeps us together it’s a daily decision that we made a commitment to God and each other that regardless of how tough life would get we would make the choice to tough it out together. Now that doesn’t mean every day is difficult and a struggle to just stay in my marriage without any of the good, warm fuzzy stuff because I love my husband but we have had our seasons as most couples. There are moments where I am madly in love and other times where life is difficult and its a battle.

I think most people have this idea in their heads about what a relationship entails whether it be a romantic relationship, a friendship, a work relationship, or a spiritual commitment and there is this idea that because there is a bond between the two then things will just magically fall into place and the fairytale will write a story that’s “happily ever after.” What people don’t realize though that yes this bond brought you together but there has to be a whole lot of blood, sweat, and tears to keep the relationship going. The sacrifice and choice I’m talking about isn’t just in marriages but is the foundation for any a relationship you have. Whether it be with a parent, a sibling, a aunt, uncle, friend, coworker, pastor, whatever the situation there is still this desperate need for sacrifice to show genuine care and concern for the other person. Sometimes its hard because we may have the best intentions but we have to realize it takes putting others first, above ourselves and saying regardless of how much they hurt me and how difficult it can be at times I will choose to love this person, not because I always like and agree with them but because I am putting aside my selfishness for the survival of our relationship.

Over the past few years I have had major health struggles and have been in the hospital for weeks and weeks at times and my husband has had to endure a lot because of it. I know there are marriages that wouldn’t have lasted dealing with the things we have, and I know there are a lot of guys who would have left a long time ago but my husband has continually showed me what love is about and how unconditional it is. Despite my illness and the burden that has been on him he still chooses to get up every day and love me and endure the pain with me. I think it’s easy when the going gets tough to give up and throw in the towel but love is about sticking it out and fighting for that person because you are desperate to have them apart of your life. When someone hurts you, disappoints you, persecutes you, it’s in that moment where you have the opportunity to love them . Love is done in a way that doesn’t expect anything in return but is about a sacrifice and saying…regardless of what happens I will choose to put others before me. Love isn’t about the feeling you get, but the ability you have to offer yourself to someone, emotionally and sacrificially to serve and love them. 1 Corinthians 13:7 (The message) Love never gives up. Love cares more for others than for self. Love doesn't want what it doesn't have. Love doesn't strut, Doesn't have a swelled head, Doesn't force itself on others, Isn't always "me first, Doesn't fly off the handle, Doesn't keep score of the sins of others,Doesn't revel when others grovel,Takes pleasure in the flowering of truth, Puts up with anything, Trust God always, Always looks for the best, Never looks back,But keeps going to the end

Sunday, August 16, 2015

Battle Cry....

Each day I rise for battle, physically, emotionally and spiritually I dress for the enemies attack. Some days I know the battle will be exhausting and other days I boldly walk forward with confidence but it's never without testing. I doubt my ability to stand, there are moments I would rather seek shelter and hide. I have never done this before and wish I was better prepared but the enemy rings it's battle cry NOW. I often ask why me and what lead us here but that only drains the energy out if this moment and I instead I must focus on now. I feel guilty for questioning the battle and purpose of it all but seek peace to keep going. When doubt starts seeping into the vulnerable places of my heart I hold tight to grace and strength for each moment. Sometimes it infuses in like a calming breathe of fresh air and others a little piece of encouragement or kind word from a friend but either way another second passes, another step forward....victory.

Today I will choose joy for the steps we have taken and hope for where we are going. I will be proud of the battles we have won and press on with perseverance towards moments yet unseen. I refuse to give up, I proclaim my own battle cry, it's not finished we press on.

Saturday, August 15, 2015

So many thoughts, so many emotions.......Sometimes I feel like a hamster in a wheel, running as fast as it's little legs can go but not moving from the spot it's in. But then you stop and think about think about the choice to get on the wheel and actually run and realize it's gotta be meaningful. For me it's been FEAR that kept me for so long from even getting on the wheel. Fear of the unknown, it sounds silly because if it's an unknown road we are facing how do we associate fear with it because we don't know what's ahead so really it may just be fear of doing what we have always done. Fear in letting go....They say insanity is defined as "doing what you always did and expecting different results."

But you come to a point where the heaviness of each day is too much, the cycle of what's comfortable is actually miserable. Change is hard but the feeling of being stuck and in chains to misery is not living, not experiencing the abundance God has for us. You can focus on the the past or you can allow it to motivate and launch you into a new place in life, you can face the fear head on and look the tiger in the eye. It's scary but ultimately worth the fight.

Each day is a step forward and each moment a new opportunity to learn and grow. I want to be more like Jesus, I want my life to reflect joy, surrender, brokenness but ultimately RESTORATION !! I want my story to reflect His grace and my journey to mean something, there is always purpose in our pain. It doesn't mean the pain is ok and what we have been through always is fair but it means that God is powerful enough to use the junk for good. "He works all things together for my good!" Romans 8:28

Today I will celebrate being in the wheel and running as fast as my little legs can go, I will celebrate how far we have come and the joy and journey that's ahead. I will allow yesterday to motivate me to seek new heights today and to not be ok with where we were but hunger for where we are many thoughts, so many emotions, but really feeling, and I'm ok.....

Saturday, July 25, 2015


Each step brings a different awareness. One second your in agony and you think at the end of all human capability and strength. Then something deep inside thirsts for more, that thirst is so intense that the same cycle you have been in leaves you dissatisfied, unquenched. That thirst can remain or motivate you to seek higher levels of satisfaction. It gets boring staying the same, we realize in the monotony that we always were meant for more. There's always greatness to obtain in this life, there's always more beyond this moment and when that next milestone is achieved we push even more, we never give up and stay the same. This morning the thirst grew unquenchable, I longed for more. I prayed for my heart to be still but my god said "I have more for you!l so I pushed harder than before, I walked faster for awhile until He sparked a motivation deep inside I never believed I had in myself anymore and I started running..... I didn't run for long today but tomorrow is another story. It's gonna be hard for awhile just as walking was but I refuse to give up and I refuse to settle for anything but greatness because that's who God says I am. So tomorrow i will walk and then slowly run, for how long I don't know, but I will move forward either way.