"Why not me God?"

“Why not me God” has seemed to be on repeat over and over for the past 7 months. In moments where I have been completely exhausted physically, emotionally and even spiritually all I could think was to ask “why not me God?” When the pain was unbearable and the end seemed nowhere in sight I cried out “why not me God?” Although my heart longed to be patient and to trust in Gods plans for my life for healing, in my human flesh I felt overwhelmed and done. My patience was depleted and when I asked God “why not me” I wanted a different answer than “not yet” but somewhere in my heart I knew that was exactly the right answer and all a part of His perfect design for my life, but even then I still asked “why not me?”

Why can’t you take away my physical pain God, why do I have to deal with IV’s, dressing changes and being so exhausted all the time? Why can’t I carry my daughter to bed after she has fallen asleep at night or run across a soccer field like the other moms? Why does our family have to deal with an earth shattering diagnosis that no cure is available? I struggle with being content in the midst of my circumstances and trying to accept suffering as part of Christ’s journey but it was hard. After a visit to the Specialist yesterday though I was overcome with joy and thankfulness at the way God revealed His power. For the first time in so long a new question was placed in my heart and instead of hearing “not yet” to the question “why not me” God answered back with a BOLD and POWERFUL “IT’S TIME MY DAUGHTER!” Ecclesiastes 3:11 "He has made everything beautiful in its time." The healing and restoration we have prayed for and cried out to God for, the questions so many have pleaded with on our behalf to the Lord was being answered and God was doing a miracle in our lives and in my body. The doctors expected the latest surgery to fail and it’s not only working but even more successful than they ever could have imagined. In the midst of celebrating though I started to ask a new question not “why NOT me God,” but instead “why me God?”

When I think about a husband and wife who are friends of ours and he has Cancer and they have 3 little girls I ask “why me God?” When I read a text from another friend saying her mom’s Cancer is back I think to myself “why me God?” When my heart hurts for a family who has been stricken by an addiction and now the wife is raising 4 little ones alone I think “why me God?” And when I pray for comfort in the midst of a devastating loss as a young couple buries their 3 month old son I cry out “why me God?!!!”

For so long I tried to understand why God wasn’t answering my prayers for healing and yet He had for others, for so long I asked “why not yet” and now I ask “why me and why now, why are you answering my prayers and not others?” Then as the Lord draws me close to Him, He helps me to see that even when I kept asking “why not me” and now when I ask “why me” He was and is the same good, loving and powerful God and although the answer isn’t what we expect when we expect them it doesn’t mean it’s not right it just may not be right for that moment. God’s plans are always to prosper us and not to harm us, to give us a hope and a future! Jeremiah 29:11

When tragedy strikes and shakes you to the core you are never the same as you once were but instead a new version of you. You can become a better, wiser, happier you but you make the choice of the structure you rebuild. Through Christ what's lost can always be restored!