Tired......

Yep I'm officially over it, tired of being sick and tired. My strength is gone my hands are waving ambitiously in the air in surrender. Macie even said today "mommy when is this stuff going to be done" just as confused as her my only answer was "I don't know Mac." I wish i knew the end, honestly I don't even know if i remember the beginning but what I do know is that only by the strength and faithfulness of Jesus are we still walking this journey. I'm not walking it with excitement or oomph at this point but I'm still walking. Another hospital stay may be on our horizon after my appt. today which I dread but I have learned along time ago that "it is what it is." I can't snap my fingers and have this battle fade into mid air or apply some magic fix but I know He can, and even when things aren't fixed He is still there. Today I'm tired but I'm holding tight to a God that loves me more than I could possibly even imagine and that is where my hope rests.

Scooped up in His arms.....

Dripping from head to toe with my hair matted to one side of my face my body awkwardly tried to recover a not so pretty landing from going overboard and ending up piled on the shower flower with my Macie. It all happened so quickly I could hardly even think straight. The IV port dressing that "must" be kept dry was now damp because in the midst of the turmoil I didn't have time to keep protecting it, I didn't have minutes to think ahead or make a plan but instead all rational thinking went out the window when I heard my baby slip getting into the shower and cry in pain. Instead of sitting by calmly to pick up the pieces and bandage the boo boo's at the first sign of an emanate crash and cry I found myself flying over the edge trying to get to my baby. I couldn't grab a hold of her slippery little soap covered arms fast enough to scoop her in my arms and comfort her.

For two years I haven't been able to pick my baby up and carry her or lift her at all because of health limitations and besides she is half my weight now but in that moment where all I could hear was her cry and see the scared, confused look on her face my heart took over for my brain and I threw myself at the cost of comforting my baby. It didn't have anything to do with superhero powers, first aid skills or mommy tricks but instead stemmed from a moment of panic seeing my baby hurt and only thinking to myself "i have to get to her." Ultimately she is fine, she has a few little bruises but nothing big. What I started thinking about though is how panic stricken, sick, scared and heartbroken God must feel when He sees His children whom He loves so much slipping and falling. He can see the disaster ahead but can't get to us quick enough to scoop us up in His arms and comfort us. Isaiah 41:10 Fear not [there is nothing to fear], for I am with you; do not look around you in terror and be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen and harden you to difficulties, yes, I will help you; yes, I will hold you up and retain you with My [victorious] right hand of rightness and justice.

I am thankful for a Father that when I slip He is there to grab a hold of me quickly and console me. I am thankful for a God that although things can be messy He still jumps right in the midst of the battle with me to hold onto my tired, confused, hurting body. I am thankful for a God who loves me with such abandonment that He sacrificed every ounce of rational thinking to rescue me His daughter in trouble.

I am strong I am a survivor....

I am so thankful today for what a purposeful, loving, gracious and patient God we serve. Even before my soul can digest the meaning behind the journey my God already knows. I even have moments where I think I am ahead of the game and I got things figured out and then once again I am humbled before an omnipotent Savior who is ever so patient with me.

Of all the Bible stories that have impressed upon my heart over the years and the ones now that magically come to life before my precious Macie's eyes, the story of Gods faithfulness that has unfolded in our lives over the past few years will forever shape who we are. In the moments where we felt exhausted, discouraged, broken and confused God has always met us right in that vulnerable place of surrender and held us close. I have been humbled by the biggest cheering section, prayer warriors, friends and family I could ever imagine. Not just people that say they are praying but who have been on their knees in tears with me, people who have sat at my hospital bed and offered encouragement and hope, people that have loved me when I wasn't lovable and kept believing in me when I didnt want to believe in myself.

As Team Cameron joined together this past Saturday for the Crohn's and Colitis Walk I felt beyond blessed and humbled once again. It was an exhausting week, honestly I didnt know if physically or emotionally I could make it through the walk. I felt tired, discouraged, sick and drained but God spoke to my heart in the midst of the meltdowns and reminded me of the verse that I had had chosen for the back of our shirts "let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us, fixing our eyes on Jesus."

I felt as if He was saying to me that all along He put that verse on my heart for a reason, the reason being that very moment of exhaustion. That moment where I would need to be reminded that I had a team counting on me to show up. If I was going to be our team leader and I was going to wear a shirt that read "I am strong I am a survivor" that  I had to dig deep within myself past my own capabilities and strength for a team that was depending on me and had put forth their strength, commitment, hearts and souls to support my journey. I didnt have to look pretty, have it all together or finish the race first but I just needed to show up and show them that I was still fighting and that "I am strong I am a survivor."So thank you to Team Cameron for all of your hard work, support, love and dedication. In the moments of exhaustion and discouragement your faces have given me the strength to push forward....I am blessed, YAY TEAM WE DID IT!!!!!

Evaluating the list....

Doing devotions with Macie last night before bed from her little "Bedtime Blessings" book she was asked to make a list of her enemies and pray for them. We sat there for 10 minutes or so and after much prodding she still couldn't even name one person. I tried simplifying it some and saying it didn't have to necessarily be someone you really don't like or have negative feelings for but just someone you find it difficult to love and pray for at times. I mentioned maybe a friend from school, sports, church and still, nothing. Now realistically there are probably a few people that she feels that way with but couldn't come up with specific names on the spot like that.

It was really an eye opener to me because as soon as I saw the phrase "make a list of your enemies" or "someone difficult to love" my head was flooded with names, it took her forever to even try to come up with a name but I could jot down a list in no-time of my own. It was a reminder to me that as adults we are very quick to make enemies or use the simplest little frustrations or quarrels between us to cause them to go from friend, aqcuanintance, and the "enemy" category. I was pretty ashamed to be honest because some of the names on my list were just people I didnt like not even because they had done anything to hurt me but it was more an immature ill feeling over jealousy or something so minute and pety.

The Bible reminds us in Corinthians that in order to love as Christ did we must be accountable for our actions and live to a higher standard. 1 Corinthians 13: 4-11 "Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails. But where there are prophecies, they will cease; where there are tongues, they will be stilled; where there is knowledge, it will pass away. For we know in part and we prophesy in part, but when perfection comes, the imperfect disappears. When I was a child, I talked like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a man, I put childish ways behind me."

The two parts that stand out to me most is when it says "it keeps no records of wrong" and also "when I was a child I talked like a child not i'm a man and I need to become a man and put childish ways behind me."
 As Christians its our job to show unconditional love and pray for those who are enemies and have hurt us. We also need to evaluate our list of enemies and decide if its a legitimate list or if we need to go through it and really pray about some of the names and ask the Lord to help us become mature and seek forgiveness and take those people off that we have added because of something pety and immature or from our past that we need to help move on from.

‎"Whatever happened, happened. We can't remake our pasts. But with God we can handle the past. With God, whatever has happened in the past need not destroy us. Of course we'll face consequences of the past but for the child of God there is hope. No matter what has happened in our backgrounds, intentional or unintentional big or small it can be something we did or that was done to us with God there is grace, peace, and hope if we'll run to Him and bring every past disappointment captive to faith in His Word " Kay Arthur

Yet another lesson from my precious and wise 6 year old. Also a major nudge by her devotional that has inspired me to have more childlike lenses that I see my enemies through. A list that takes a long time to write down not because its so long but because I really have to think long and hard about who I would classify as my enemies due to having a more sensitive, forgiving, soft and gracious heart. What would your list of enemies look like? Do you find yourself holding grudges or placing people under the enemies list too easily and not offering grace as easily to others as Christ has done for us.

This is my challenge tonight and prayer, 

Jesus please forgive me and my harsh and judgmental attitude.I pray that you would point out my wrongs against others intentional or unintentional so that I may seek their forgiveness and work harder at my list of enemies. Chisel away at the hard and selfish parts of my heart to become more gracious, sensitive, non judgmental and loving as You have shown to us. Thank You Jesus for loving me in spite of my failures and flaws and for always showing me the ways that I can improve in this world to become more like You. Amen

Taking down the clutter......

Although I am weary I also feel refreshed. Sometimes there are situations in your life that cause you to go through a period of purging things, situations or people from your life and although its exhausting the end result is freeing. Over the past week and a half or so a series of events have caused our house to go through this very concept of purging the clutter from our lives. It wasn't as if you turned on the T.V. to TLC and the show Hoarders was on you might see our house on there but our house certainly had accumulated lots of unnecessary "stuff" over the past 4 years we have lived here.

On the outside the walls within were hidden and the piles of stuff were unknown and although I daily keep things picked up there is definitely a difference between being tidy and really organized and clean. Nobody else noticed that it was unorganized and my friends would always say I was crazy when I told them my house was a mess but when it came down to it just simple things became a hassle such as finding the paperclips, or maybe an umbrella, or an important paper....it was like playing a game of russian roulette to see which pile the item in demand was in. We had box's and box's of medical supplies that weren't even apart of my treatment plan anymore but yet they were still lingering around. Needless to say we came to a point where enough was enough and the task of cleaning our house from top to bottom and removing the clutter began. It took us a good week to do little things to prepare but last weekend our daughter Macie went at my in-laws for the weekend and my husband and I literally cleaned for hours and hours. There wasn't a time where we were in bed before 3:00 a.m. for the past 3 nights, then we would be up early around 7:30 to start again. 

 The whole process was extremely difficult, we are physically exhausted and emotionally exhausted. We got rid of a lot of our belongings because we were so desperate to remove the junk from our lives and start fresh and renewed.We threw away Macies baby clothes, my nursing scrubs and maternity clothes, stuff Scott and I both had in Tupperware bins that were memories from the years of us growing up. It was an emotional roller coaster but at the end of it all we feel organized, free, clean and transparent. There are no surprises, everything has a designated spot no searching through or covering up the clutter its done. 

During this purging time I started thinking about a specific situation from my past that I feel the Holy Spirit has been prompting me to evaluate things and clean some of the clutter out of my heart and purge those things that have held me back from growing more and more in my relationship with Christ. There are things from my past and hurts that I have gone through that I have held onto bits and pieces and instead of just sorting through them and throwing them out they linger as constant little reminders within the drawers of my heart. You can continue to live each day making those drawers tidy but the "stuff" within is still there, still collecting dust and holding you back from the freedom that God intended. The past is a reminder of where we have been and what we have been through but have you filled up a rolling suitcase with unnecessary "stuff" and continue to drag it with you into the future? If you feel like its time to do some deep cleaning within your heart  then get ready for the challenge. It wont be easy, it will be exhausting and emotionally draining but the freedom you will feel will be worth it I promise. You will feel proud, accomplished and a weight will be lifted from you with all that clutter and "stuff" gone and the barrier that Satan has tried to use to cause a barrier between you and Christ will be gone!!!

Close your eyes for a second, what areas in your life is there unnecessary clutter or stuff? Maybe its finances, housework, a relationship, whatever it is I just encourage you to submit that area of clutter to the Lord and decide what your going to do about it. Make a plan and ask for the Lords wisdom and favor to be over you as you begin the difficult process of purging the painful, mess. Although you may be a pro at keeping things together and tidy if you are carrying something within your heart that's difficult the piles and piles will continue to grow until you can't hide it under the bed or in the closet of your heart anymore you will come to a point where you have to face it and purge it because the drawers will no longer close and eventually the piles will topple over and effect other areas of your life. Psalm 51:10 "Create in me a pure heart, oh God, and renew a steadfast spirit within me." Its incredibly freeing and encouraging to let go of the past and move forward with confidence that whatever was within those piles of mess, they are gone forever and never have to return Like our house it feels good now to be organized but its going to take even more work to keep it that way and to not allow stuff to be brought in and build piles of clutter. The same goes for your heart its your job with the Lords help to keep the clutter out and to fight with everything in you against the enemy when he tries to convince you to hang on to the baggage and let the piles grow.

"God desires to completely renew our thinking and change our habits. It's a process that takes time. God is not expecting totally unblemished earthly perfection. His Son alone filled that requirement. He is looking for hearts in constant pursuit of Him and His righteousness. Long-term victory results from many short-term victories that finally collide, forming new habits."Beth Moore

Surrender....

Physically I'm beyond exhausted, mentally I'm drained, but tonight my heart is renewed because the unfailing love and faithfulness of Christ. I don't understand why things happen in life like they do. All I can do tonight is shake my head in disbelief because of my frustration but also disbelief because even when the chaos continues He is still faithful. When we put our trust in Jesus the enemy will work even harder to try and defeat us. When we are representing Jesus and standing for the cause of showing others His love and grace this causes Satan to tremble. When Satan feels threatened he lashes back and attacks us even harder. Life is crazy, unpredictable and exhausting and there is no way I can do it on my own strength. There is a point though when all we can do is raise our white flag and surrender. Surrender our tired, worn out, discouraged, broken selves to Christ and allow Him to rescue us from the trenches of our circumstances. This week we have been reminded that although we are weary He is there. Although we are discouraged, He is there. Although we don't have all the answers, He is there and when my strength runs out I can raise my white flag and completely surrender because He is there!

May this be the prayer that resonates within each of our hearts. "Lord, I give thanks to You in all things because I know that You reign in the midst of them. I know that when I pass through the waters, You will be with me and the river will not flow over me. When I walk through the fire, I will not be burned. Nor will the flame touch me (Isaiah 43:1-2). That's because You are a good God and have sent Your Holy Spirit to be my Comforter and Helper in the midst of the difficult times. Lord, I wait for you today. I put my hope in Your word and ask that You would fill me afresh with Your Holy Spirit and wash away all anxiety or doubt. Shine Your light into any dark corner of my soul that needs to be exposed. I don't want my impatience or lack of trust to stand in the way of all You desire to do in my life at this time. I realize that no matter how difficult life gets, as long as I cling to You I am moving forward on the path you have for me. Help me to wait on You and not grow impatient with my circumstances simply because my timetable does not coincide with Yours. Help me to understand Your ways and not give in to discouragement. Strengthen my faith to depend on Your perfect timing for my life. Help me to rest in You and be content with where I am right now. At the same time, I ask you to heal, restore, redeem, transform, and bring new life to my situation. Teach me what I need to learn and help me get beyond this time successfully so I can rise above the storm to Your place of perfect peace. Amen" Stormie Omartian

Your Love......

I have been thinking alot lately about the true colors of our heart and how that overflows onto others and represents the love of Jesus. God has called us to be vessels for Him and sometimes its a painful process to act in love based on God's definition and not our human definition. God has demonstrated unconditional love to us and its our responsibility to show that same kind of love to others regardless of their actions or decisions. There will be things other do that we may not agree with, there will be people that treat you not very nice at times but instead of reacting to their negaitivty we must offer grace and show unconditional love. I have thought many times over the past few weeks that regardless of others actions I am only held accountable for mine and my reactions to them. Each day is an opportunity to show love and Christ in everything we do and although it can be difficult we must lay our selfishness down and offer our lives to Him as vessels for whatever He chooses to do in and through us. A Song I heard on the radio this week says this:

If I sing but don't have love
I waste my breath with every song
I bring an empty voice, a hollow noise
If I speak with a silver tongue
Convince a crowd but don't have love
I leave a bitter taste with every word I say

So let my life be the proof,
The proof of Your love
Let my love look like You and what You're made of
How You lived, how You died
Love is sacrifice
So let my life be the proof,
The proof of Your love

I read this today from a friends page and wanted to share...

When God calls you to something, it doesn’t automatically mean you are ready to handle it. Our Father of good wisdom wants to prepare us for every task for which He has anointed us. Most of the time we want to run ahead or lag behind. In either case, God wants to be the one who molds you into a stable vessel of light. This way, you won’t find yourself in a ditch during the fight of faith! I have always had big dreams for God, but I have had to realize that to handle big things means big changes and big preparation. In the Scripture above, we find four things God wants to do in your life so you can handle His glory: God wants to perfect (mature you), establish (point you in one direction), strengthen (strong in knowledge and power), and settle (make a strong foundation) YOU. Let Him do it and you will be a strong and stable Christian that He can powerfully use!

Prayer:

Father, today I give You the liberty to do all that is needed so I can walk in Your anointing. You have the full right to mold me for handling the power of Your Spirit. Let me see things the way You see them and I ask that You will help me to walk perfectly in Your timing. Show me what I should do and not do today. Holy Spirit, be my teacher and helper. I release to You today all control and I say that my flesh submits to the will of God for me. I believe that You open and close doors and show me what tasks are ordained of You. Lord, I rest in You as You make me Your anointed vessel of honor and light! In Jesus’ Name, AMEN.

"If I can speak with human eloquence and angelic ecstasy but I don't love, I'm nothing but the creaking of a rusty gate. If I can speak God's word with power, revealing all His mysteries and making everything as plain as day and if I say to a mountain jump and it jumps but I don't love, I'm nothing. If I give all I own to the poor or I even go to the stake burned as a martyr but don't have love, I've gotten nowhere. So, no matter what we say, no matter what we believe, no matter what we do, we're bankrupt without love." 1 Corinthians 13:1-3