It feels good to be back on a normal schedule. It may be designed by a new and different "normal" but nevertheless it feels good. One thing I have learned over the past 6 years as a parent and even now more so with the health issues is that flexibility is a must. It seems like just when I get the hang of things something happens and life throws me a curveball to change it all up again. Being in church yesterday it felt amazing, was that stability and place of safety and comfort that I had missed that past few weeks.
The service was amazing and I really felt the Lords presence but something that really spoke to me was the prayer time. Our Pastor offered an invitation for prayer to anyone that needed encouragement or healing and this hit me like a ton of bricks. I need prayer daily and live on prayer as a major lifeline but I really felt the Holy Spirit was speaking to me directly about healing. I was diagnosed with Crohns when i was 9 so it hasnt been a short journey, its been many years, some good but some supper difficult and I have prayed my fair share of times for healing. What I felt the Lord was saying to me this time was different though. It has been a whisper in my heart, but this was the first time I have ever really felt affirmation about it.
Maybe some call it lack of faith but I no longer pray for healing but instead for God to reach down in the midst of my circumstances and give me strength and courage to face whatever is ahead. I don't doubt God can heal me, but I believe right now He doesnt want to and there is a reason for that which I have become ok with. I can rock out a blue and green hospital gown just as well as leggings and boots. I may have to change things up a bit and roll with the punches along the way but it doesnt change who God is and how good He is!
I don't wake up in the morning dancing a jig and singing "I am so happy I have all these IV's and medicines and doctors appts." Thats not realistic and I wont pretend thats what I feel everyday but I do wake up each morning singing because although my circumstances might not be ideal I am still ok with them and thats an accomplishment in itself. I would be filled with joy if God decided to heal me someday but for now I have to be ok with the fact that He isnt right now and what will I do with that??? I long to be in the midst of Gods will whatever that may be. If its being sick and serving in the midst of my struggles right now to be close to Him and to be at the center of His will then thats where I should be. I think so many people can pray for healing, deliverance, restoration, whether it be physically or emotionally and they get so caught up in the healing they forget about the healer. I started praying for healing a long time ago but somewhere on my journey I lost sight of the healing and instead found the healer and thats so much better. When the newness wears off in life and the healing has come and gone, the renewed relationship gets comfortable again, the past is restored and redeemed will you be left with that moment of transformation or will the God that brought you to it still be real. There is a City Harmonic song that I love right now and the words say this : "Its by the grace of God I hang my head and sing. My God You are good, You are great, You are love."
"Don't ever judge God's love based on your circumstances. Instead, evaluate your circumstances from the perspective of God's love." ~Henry & Richard Blackaby
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