Swallowed up........

As I walk around the house I can't help but get overwhelmed at the piles and piles of clutter and stuff. With a 7 year old its easy to accumulate so many odds and ends. Barbie shoes, stickers, Legos, games, play-doh its like a grab bag of fun exploded in my dining room. The one area though that seems to always stare at me whenever I'm near is the bookshelves. I love books. I never thought I would be saying this but I love to read and find great comfort with my fuzzy blanket and nose tucked in a book. My husband and I have this running joke that the bookshelves are full so to him I need to clean out the books we have but for me I say we need more bookshelves :) My bookshelves are pretty tidy and neat but my daughters on the other hand is downright SCARY! From "The Very Hungry Caterpillar, Curious George and Skippy Jon Jones" there are tons and tons of various books that we have collected since Macie was born 7 years ago. Its always a neat moment though when I am thankful we haven't taken my husbands advice and cleaned out the books when we stumble upon a book we have read numerous times to our daughter and can still remember the sight of her little hands holding it and turning the pages with such wonder and excitement.

Yesterdays message was in the book of Jonah which made me think of one of my daughters favorites books when she was little about "Jonah and the Whale." It was one of those books that throughout the story there would be little symbols and on the side of the book you would push buttons to the matching symbols and it would play music or sound effects to go along with the story. I could hardly wait to get home from Church last night to try and  hunt down that book in hopes that we still had it on that shelf of chaos in Macies toy-room. To my delight there it was and the memories flooded my heart as I looked at the worn pages and dirty fingerprints as evidence of the many quiet moments and giggles spent reading that little book. I never knew then that this moment in time would come and I would be going back to that book and the significance it would have in my life but as I hold it in my hands God impresses upon me the power behind Jonah and that big fish.

Jonah was a man that tried to run from God. Instead of surrendering to Gods will and allowing Him to guide Jonahs steps Jonah did everything he could to run the opposite way from God and avoid submitting to Gods plans. See Jonah was convinced that he had it all under control and he knew exactly what he was doing and he didn't need God to tell him what to do with his life or where to go. As we read on in the story we find out that Jonah's disobedience causes him to be swallowed by a giant whale. For 3 days Jonah sits isolated, scared, empty and covered in filth in the belly of that whale. As Jonah is separated from the outside world he begins to cry out to God for another chance, for God to deliver him from the mess of his disobedience and his heart is broken and desperate for change and transformation. God hears Jonahs cries for help and impresses upon the whale to spit Jonah out and let him have another chance.

From inside the fish Jonah prayed to the Lord his God.  He said:

“In my distress I called to the Lord,
    and he answered me.
From deep in the realm of the dead I called for help,
    and you listened to my cry.

You hurled me into the depths,
    into the very heart of the seas,
    and the currents swirled about me;
all your waves and breakers
  swept over me.  

I said, ‘I have been banished
    from your sight;
yet I will look again
    toward your holy temple.’

The engulfing waters threatened me,
    the deep surrounded me;
    seaweed was wrapped around my head.

To the roots of the mountains I sank down;
    the earth beneath barred me in forever.
But you, Lord my God,
    brought my life up from the pit.

 “When my life was ebbing away,
    I remembered you, Lord,
and my prayer rose to you,
    to your holy temple.

 “Those who cling to worthless idols
    turn away from God’s love for them

  But I, with shouts of grateful praise,
    will sacrifice to you.
What I have vowed I will make good.
    I will say, ‘Salvation comes from the Lord.’”

 And the Lord commanded the fish, and it vomited Jonah onto dry land.

I have read this story a number of times and each time I read it I still stand in and disbelief that Jonah was really swallowed by a big whale. In my humanness its hard for me to look at the rationality behind "Jonah and the Whale" and imagine a man sitting in the belly of a fish but because of the power and awesomeness of Jesus who died on a cross for my messiness I believe that there once was a man named Jonah who tried running from God and because of his disobedience he was swallowed by a whale. But the same God that sent the whale to swallow Jonah up also heard his desperate, sincere, broken cries and orchestrated the events that caused him to be spit out on the shore and a second chance placed at his feet.

Now I live in this little town in Ohio and the only water I see nearby is a mud puddle outside my front door so I don't see any whales swimming by anytime soon today to swallow anyone up. As I look around my community and world though I see strongholds that the enemy has placed in the paths of Gods children that engulf their lives. I see destruction with relationships, finances, addictions, depression and at first it seems like you have it all under control and you know how to handle things but then you realize this thing has a hold on you and has swallowed up your life. Its separated you from the very people and things in life that you love most and has isolated you to sit empty, broken, hurt and confused.

I have to admit that I have been there. I have tried running from God and put this tough girl mask on thinking I could do it on my own but after making mistake after mistake I found myself a mess, broken and empty begging God for another chance and crying out for Him to deliver me from the path of destruction I had chosen in an attempt at running from Him. As I sat at the bottom of the pit caused by my own destruction God met me right in the midst of my pain and delivered me from the enemy, He broke the chains the enemy had placed on me through strongholds in my life and spit me out at the feet of Jesus with a second chance waiting. I made bad choices and He had every right to leave me stuck but because we are loved by the most gracious, forgiving God he not only helped pull me out of that pit but God took my story and redeemed it and is still transforming my heart each day. He changed the song in my heart and turned my mourning into dancing, He traded beauty for ashes.

Psalm 30:11

You did it: you changed wild lament

    into whirling dance;
You ripped off my black mourning band
    and decked me with wildflowers.
I’m about to burst with song;
    I can’t keep quiet about you.
God, my God,
    I can’t thank you enough.

Sacrifice.........

I have tried writing this post multiple times over the past few days. Each time I kept running into a wall because my heart and mind is full of so many thoughts if only I could find the words eloquent enough to write it all down in a way that is clear and simple. In the midst of the chaos within I heard the still small voice of Him saying to me " just write." I felt Him saying that it didn't matter how together it was but the only thing that mattered was for me to share the raw, realness of my heart.  As I have shared before the journey we have been on with health issues has been long and hard. It seems like forever in my head. There are days where the battle seems to be getting easier and we see a little glimpse of normalcy and then there are days that feels like we have taken 5 steps back. Although our life is very different now than it was 4 years ago this has become our "new life." Each day I struggle with trying to be "normal." There are even some days when I think I convince myself that I'm not as sick as I really am. A harsh dose of reality though always comes as I hook myself up to an IV each night or walk into the Clinic each Monday for my "weekly" visit with the Infusion Nurses.

I try to be strong and courageous but part of me feels so weak. The verse that has been on my heart over the past week especially is found in Acts 20:24 "However, I consider my life worth nothing to me; my only aim is to finish the race and complete the task the Lord has Jesus has given me-the task of testifying to the good news of God's grace." When I read this verse I instantly think of the word "sacrifice." Sacrifice is the point in life, a point in your circumstances where you realize there is something far more important than your own desires and wants that you are willing to risk it all. The biggest example that comes to mind is Jesus. I wonder how Jesus must have felt leading up to His death knowing that He would be tortured and crucified for someone else, a purpose beyond what He had planned. I imagine there must have been feelings of confusion and sadness and pleading with God to please let Him write a different story for His life. I wonder if He felt like it was unfair not to get married and have children but somewhere in His heart reasoned that because He trusted His Father it would be more than worth it.

At this point in my journey I have started asking God "what are Your plans for my life?" There came a point in this journey where I truly felt the Lord was asking me to push forward trusting Him through our trials not because there were triumphs for us eventually or healing physically but because our suffering was more important to show God's faithfulness to others. I wonder about some of the sacrifices I feel like God has asked of us and like I imagined Jesus feeling I wonder "why me?" I wonder why  my life couldn't be filled with everyday chaos like flat tires, running out of milk, and not Doctors Offices. My heart hurts to think my husband will never know a marriage apart from having a sick wife, I hurt to think my 7 year old has had to worry that when she leaves for school her mommy may be in the hospital by the end of the school day. I hurt because I can't promise I will be at her graduation or when she gets married, or even to see her finish elementary school. I would be lying to say I'm not afraid of whats ahead but I believe God has asked me and our family to make a sacrifice that we will never fully understand but will continue to be worth it. Matthew 20:28 "For even I the Son of Man came not to be served but to serve and to offer my life as a ransom for many."

Mr. Monkey the Super-Hero.....

This morning as Macie was getting ready for school she noticed the stuffed monkey laying in our bed that she had bought her daddy for Christmas. A sock monkey with an OSU Buckeyes emblem on its chest and a red cape on its back  that screams or makes monkey noises (whatever monkey noises are) when you launch it across the room. As I crawled sleepily into bed last night I immediately noticed the silly monkey tucked in his arms as he snoozed away. I smiled at the sight of him cuddled peacefully snoozing away with "Mr. Monkey" and then took a picture for later torture :)  After we finished the whole beautifying process in 1st grader terms this morning of flat ironing her hair and trying to avoid the colorful tinsel, brushing her pearly whites, and finishing the "look" with light up snow boots I remembered the picture I had taken last night of Scott and Mr. Monkey. As I excitedly showed Macie she giggled and giggled but there radiated from her face a sense of pride because daddy liked the gift she had picked for him ;)

After laughing our pants off for a few minutes Macie picked up Mr. Monkey and started playing with him. She took his super hero cape off and put it back on and then asked, "mommy do you like the monkey better with the super hero cape or without the super hero cape?" I thought for a moment and answered "without." It was a simple question but had my mind racing. You see we would all like to have a superhero cape, we would all like to think we are invincible and unstoppable but the truth is that underneath the cape we wear each day representing Christ, we are just ordinary, messy humans. On our own its impossible to ignite superhero powers but with Christ we are more than conquerors, we are victorious, we are extraordinary.

Frustrated today after what seemed like the 50th mishap I thought to myself "what in the world" then I quickly realized it wasn't my circumstances that were frustrating me and getting in the way of my day but it was ME.  You see I woke up this morning and instead of allowing Christ to direct my footsteps and giving Him control I just took the lead on my own. I must admit in my humanness I do that from time to time, I try to be in control and think I got it all figured out and then WHAM life happens and knocks me straight on my rear end and I realized in that moment how desperate I am for Him to be in control and not me. "Although it seems safe and logical to be in charge of your life, being in charge becomes a heavy, lonely responsibility. Your Father graciously offers to take your life, protect you, strengthen you, and comfort you on your journey. You need not fear relinquishment, for it leads to freedom, security, and the real you" Cynthia Heald."Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways acknowledge him, and he will make your paths straight" Proverbs 3:5-6.

A super hero can walk around wearing a cape but unless there is this supernatural ability ignited within him then Batman isn't gonna fly, Spider-man isn't going to climb with those amazing webs and underneath those capes they are just ordinary. Each day as my feet hit the floor a battle is already taking place. A battle for my thoughts, my attitude, my joy, my praise and its my choice whether to walk through the war zone and think I can take it on by my own strength or put on my super hero cape and allow Christ to infuse His supernatural power and abilities in me to take on whatever may come that day. "Put on the full armor of God so that you can take your stand against the devil's schemes" Ephesians 6:11.

Standing on the edge.....

With my toes dangling slightly over the edge of the cliff a fear of the unknown below starts to creep in. Although the details of the next step are unknown the solid place in which I have been planted on for quiet some time now is coming to a close and it's time to move on. The path in which I have already traveled has had its fair shares of ups and downs but it's become a place of safety and contentment. Although part of me longs to stay in this very place for a little longer there is a hunger deep within and drive for something new, bold and adventurous. In 13 hours that giant leap towards the unknown will become a reality. We will no longer be able to stay in the safety of 2012 but instead be forced to step into the unknown of 2013. As the world counts down 10, 9, 8, 7, 6, 5, 4, 3, 2, 1 we will bid another year goodbye and say hello to new possibilities.

Today I was thinking about how right now we are on the verge of possibly the greatest year of our lives or the worst year of our lives, either way it's a mystery yet to be unlocked and unraveled. There is this sense of excitment for the unknown, we have the ability to choose to make 2013 the best year ever or the worst based on our attitude of praise. Maybe this year was the greatest year you have ever had and you find yourself struggling with letting go, or maybe its been the worst year of your life and you are desperate for a new beginning.

Although a sense of excitement dwells within me every year as we approach the new year I am reminded tonight that it's only a number. Jeremiah 29:11 "For I know the plans I have for you declares the Lord. Plans to prosper you and not to harm you, to give you a hope and a future." As humans there is this innate desire to start over and grab the bull by its horns towards new possibilities but because the blood of Jesus was spilled out for us we can start over anytime. "By no means do I count myself an expert in all of this (life), but I’ve got my eye on the goal, where God is beckoning us onward—to Jesus. I’m off and running, and I’m not turning back. 

The difficulties of yesterday are gone, wiped clean, and the path is cleared ahead for Christ to lead us towards greatness. This year as we move from 2012 to 2013 I'm laying down the things from the past. I'm choosing to let go of the pain and struggles of 2012 so that my hands are empty and ready to receive the blessings and beauty of 2013. There is a special K commercial on right now and the concept of it is "what will you gain when you lose." I love that quote and the thought of how when we truly let go of the past God has so much planned for us to gain because our hands are open to receive them. 1 Corinthians  2:9 "No eye has seen, no ear has heard no mind can imagine the plans that God has for those who love Him."

"I myself go before you and will be with you. So do not be afraid; not not be discouraged. I, your loving Savior, am also infinite God! I am omnipresent: present everywhere at once. This makes it possible for Me to go ahead of you-opening up the way-without ever leaving your side. The promise of My presence is for all time. No matter where you go or what circumstances you encounter, I will be with you. This is the basis of your courage and confidence" Sarah Young.

Falling short.......

With fresh snow blanketing the Earth and our family dressed from head to toe in hats, gloves, scarves and winter coats we grabbed the plastic red sled from the garage and hit the local sledding hill. As I watched the snow fall yesterday from my cozy living room I thought to myself how beautiful it looked. Watching it fall from inside though is one thing and getting out playing in the wet, coldness is another. However I am the type of person that likes to experience as much as possible in life and have learned in our difficult circumstances to embrace each moment and see it as an adventure. With this in mind there have been a few new little adventures in our house over the past few weeks. One of these adventures was baking. I don't care for baking and it doesn't care for me. No matter what I do I seem to always mess it up and so I just try to avoid it. I can cook pretty well and since our family mostly lives on regular food and not sweets we manage to survive without me having to bake, besides that's why Keebler is in business so people like me can buy packaged cookies and not make them. Anyways along with the baking, which I  might add was chaotic but turned out fairly well, we decided to make a gingerbread house. Macie has made them in school before but this was my first time ever making one. If I had to sum up our gingerbread house building in one word it would definitely be "ugh."

See I'm a perfectionist and if there is one thing I learned it's that building gingerbread houses is a perfectionists worst nightmare. When the idea first popped into my head at the store it sounded great, I bought one of those little kits and the picture on the front looked beautiful and I thought to myself "I can totally do that, how hard can it be.? Well let me tell you its not as easy as it looks. The entire time it was a disaster. The walls kept falling in, the icing kept drying up before we could get the candy on. The whole time I kept glancing at the beautiful example on the front of the box and trying desperately to make mine similar, to just try and measure up even a little. That perfectionist attitude I mentioned before kept rearing its ugly head and I got so frustrated. It sounds ridiculous I mean "who cares" it's a little gingerbread house meant to give us something to do as a family right? But for me I felt like a failure, I felt like I wasn't good enough, why didn't mine look like the box? I felt like everyone else makes beautiful gingerbread houses and bakes varieties of Christmas goodies but I can't. I felt like I never measure up and will never been good enough, skinny enough, smart enough or "together enough."

Growing up I have always struggled with this fear of rejection and failure. When I was 9 my mom divorced my father. Although hard for my little mind to grasp at the time he was an alcoholic man who would get angry and violent towards my mother when he had too much to drink and he chose the alcohol over us and walked away from 3 little girls. Since then he has walked in and out of our lives. We have given him chance after chance and although I miss having my dad in my life it's more the concept of a dad and not the reality of the man my dad is. As a mother now though I struggle with trying to understand how a father could just walk away from his girls, "weren't we enough, why wasn't he proud of us." As I see my husband love our daughter Macie with this unconditional smitten love I find myself even more puzzled.

Even though I know nothing I did caused my dad to walk away it's placed this unrealistic expectation and need to be perfect on my life. Sometimes I think about how I'm terrified that I will never measure up as a wife, mother, and friend. The expectations for perfection that I place on myself are beyond anything I could ever obtain in this life but yet I continually work towards it. The expectations I place on myself are bogus and unrealistic and although I try to meet them I would never expect someone else to meet them or be disappointed when they unsurprisingly failed but I would beat myself up for sure. I don't do things just to get them done I either do every task with my whole heart beyond 100%, or I don't do them. In my head I fail too often but realistically could never obtain half the goals I set because I'm human not superhuman.

As my mind starts to wander down this destructive path an alarm goes off overhead warning me of the enemies schemes and then I hear the loving voice of Christ whisper "you are more than enough; you are my beloved, beautiful, chosen, talented, daughter and although in this world you are  far from perfect your imperfections are exactly what allows you to depend on my omnipotence." You see the picture on the front of the gingerbread house kit is done by professionals, people trained and dedicated to the art of building and perfecting that structure to be flawless and beautiful. Its meant to draw you in and inspire you but not to defeat you. Does this sound familiar to anyone else? I know I look around at other wives, mothers, women at church and think "if only I could be like......."

I see myself as less than, never quite meeting the status quot. This perfectionist attitude that can sometimes be a strength and help drive me to want greatness for my life can also be my biggest weakness and make me feel like such a failure. What I'm realizing though is that not one single task, talent, success or strength in this life determines my worth in the eyes of Christ. Although my earthly father has failed me my heavenly father treasures and adores me. Because God loves us more than we could ever imagine He sent His only Son to be mocked, beaten and killed so that we could spend eternity in His presence. To Christ we are breathtaking, desirable, precious and enough. There is nothing in this life that can ever separate us from His love. "Relax in My presence, knowing that nothing can separate you from My Love. The worst-case scenario in your life-that I might stop loving you-is not even in the realm of possibility. So rejoice that you don't have to perform well enough to earn My Love, or to keep it. This Love is a pure gift, flowing out of My own own perfect righteousness. It secures your connection to Me-your Savior-for all eternity" Sarah Young.

Deuteronomy 14:2 "For you are a people holy to the Lord your God. Out of all the peoples on the face of the earth, the Lord has chosen you to be his treasured possession."

Ephesians 3:17-19 "So that Christ may dwell in your hearts through faith. And I pray that you, being rooted and established in love,may have power, together with all the Lord’s holy people, to grasp how wide and long and high and deep is the love of Christ, and to know this love that surpasses knowledge—that you may be filled to the measure of all the fullness of God."

Peace, love, joy........

The peace that blanketed the room was overwhelming. As I sat in the sparkling glow of lights and took in the scent of Pine from a freshly cut Christmas Tree my heart leaped with calmness.  Below in Winnie the Pooh, Dog and Teddy Bear sleeping bags peacefully slept my daughter, nieces and nephew. With Christmas Music playing softly in the background I sunk down into the rocking chair at the corner of the room, closed my eyes and breathed in the peace and stillness of that moment. Through the chaos lately its been often hard to just sit and be thankful in the beauty of what Christmas means but last night in the few moments of unexpected down time I was taken captive by the strong and loving arms of Jesus and  reminded of the blessings and joy of Christmas. If I could have stopped the clocks I would have and wanted nothing more than to inhale the fragrance of each memories sweet aroma and put it in a bottle  to fuel any weariness, doubt or fear that will ever come ahead.

"In Me you live and move and have your being. Every step you take, every word you speak, every breath you breathe-all is done in My watchful embarrassing Presence. You are totally immersed in My invisible yet ever-so-real Being! The more aware of Me you are, the more alive and complete you will feel. Your union with Me makes every moment of your life meaningful." 

We celebrate you today, tomorrow and forever Jesus. We say Happy Birthday and most of all THANK YOU.

Safe in the arms of Christ.....

My heart breaks over the tragedy that the world has witnessed in CT. I don't know the answers to why it happened or how to stop it from happening again. I don't know if we should change gun laws or dig deeper into the epidemic of mental illness. I don't know the answers to the questions people want and need to make sense of such a horrific event, but what I do know is from the depths of a mother's heart I am deeply sorry and burdened by the unanswered.

As I heard the news of devestation on Friday I was overcome with fear and sadness. With each story I see broadcast, and each sweet innocent little face whose picture is placed on the screen my heart aches. My husband Scott is a teacher and I have a First Grader, a beautiful 7 year old little girl named Macie with so much joy and excitment for life. As I watched her flash a smile from the stage at Church this morning during the Christmas program I thought of those sweet children who should be too standing at the front of their churches singing this morning or building gingerbread houses.

There have been so many emotions and thoughts run through my head this weekend. I have thought about how on Friday I too dropped my daughter off at school and kissed her goodbye with no hesitation because she would be safe at school. I have thought about what if that would have been my husband, my best friend and teammate. I have thought about the terror those children who survived must have witnessed and how scared they must have been. I have even found myself wondering what if that were my precious Macie and she was there scared and wanting her mommy and daddy. In those moments when my mind starts to wander and the fear creeps in I have to be reminded that those thoughts are not from Christ and are from the enemy. Although my humanness wants to allow fear and worry to take over, my hope is in Jesus and my trust in the safe and Almighty arms of Christ, the very same safe arms who is gently rocking each and every innocent child who lost their life on Friday.

As kids return to school tomorrow I believe we will all have thoughts of hesitation, I have to admit that I'm anxious too. When my mind starts to wander and my security feels threatened by the lies of the enemy I know my God is bigger. It doesn't make sense of whats happened or erase the obvious sorrow and fear we are all facing but it allows us to stand boldly and proclaims that the enemy will not have authority over our lives and we will trust Christ with the journey ahead. It takes those painful and dark thoughts that the enemy wants us to hold onto and allows us to replace it with thankfulness for keeping our families safe. Most of all though it allows us to take such devastation and remember all those beautiful little children dancing in the presence of a safe, gentle and loving God tonight. 

Be near me Lord Jesus
I ask thee to stay.
Close by me forever,
And love me I pray.

Bless all the dear children,
In thy tender care.
And take them to heaven,
To be with thee there.