There is nothing-no circumstance, no trouble, no-testing that can ever touch me until, first of all it has gone past God and past Christ right through to me. If it has come that far, it has come with a GREAT PURPOSE, which I may not understand at the moment. As I refuse to become panicky, as I lift my eyes up to Him and accept it as coming from the throne of God for some great purpose of blessing to my own heart, no sorrow will ever disturb me, no trial will ever disarm me, no circumstance will ever cause me to fret-for I shall rest in the joy of what my Lord is- that is the rest of VICTORY!!!!

Wednesday, January 9, 2013


I have tried writing this post multiple times over the past few days. Each time I kept running into a wall because my heart and mind is full of so many thoughts if only I could find the words eloquent enough to write it all down in a way that is clear and simple. In the midst of the chaos within I heard the still small voice of Him saying to me " just write." I felt Him saying that it didn't matter how together it was but the only thing that mattered was for me to share the raw, realness of my heart.  As I have shared before the journey we have been on with health issues has been long and hard. It seems like forever in my head. There are days where the battle seems to be getting easier and we see a little glimpse of normalcy and then there are days that feels like we have taken 5 steps back. Although our life is very different now than it was 4 years ago this has become our "new life." Each day I struggle with trying to be "normal." There are even some days when I think I convince myself that I'm not as sick as I really am. A harsh dose of reality though always comes as I hook myself up to an IV each night or walk into the Clinic each Monday for my "weekly" visit with the Infusion Nurses.

I try to be strong and courageous but part of me feels so weak. The verse that has been on my heart over the past week especially is found in Acts 20:24 "However, I consider my life worth nothing to me; my only aim is to finish the race and complete the task the Lord has Jesus has given me-the task of testifying to the good news of God's grace." When I read this verse I instantly think of the word "sacrifice." Sacrifice is the point in life, a point in your circumstances where you realize there is something far more important than your own desires and wants that you are willing to risk it all. The biggest example that comes to mind is Jesus. I wonder how Jesus must have felt leading up to His death knowing that He would be tortured and crucified for someone else, a purpose beyond what He had planned. I imagine there must have been feelings of confusion and sadness and pleading with God to please let Him write a different story for His life. I wonder if He felt like it was unfair not to get married and have children but somewhere in His heart reasoned that because He trusted His Father it would be more than worth it.

At this point in my journey I have started asking God "what are Your plans for my life?" There came a point in this journey where I truly felt the Lord was asking me to push forward trusting Him through our trials not because there were triumphs for us eventually or healing physically but because our suffering was more important to show God's faithfulness to others. I wonder about some of the sacrifices I feel like God has asked of us and like I imagined Jesus feeling I wonder "why me?" I wonder why  my life couldn't be filled with everyday chaos like flat tires, running out of milk, and not Doctors Offices. My heart hurts to think my husband will never know a marriage apart from having a sick wife, I hurt to think my 7 year old has had to worry that when she leaves for school her mommy may be in the hospital by the end of the school day. I hurt because I can't promise I will be at her graduation or when she gets married, or even to see her finish elementary school. I would be lying to say I'm not afraid of whats ahead but I believe God has asked me and our family to make a sacrifice that we will never fully understand but will continue to be worth it. Matthew 20:28 "For even I the Son of Man came not to be served but to serve and to offer my life as a ransom for many."


  1. Awesome post! I love your honesty, yet reminding yourself with scripture. Take each day as a blessing! xo

  2. I'm so glad you went ahead and "just wrote"! Such a powerful, authentic post. Thank you for sharing and for being so real.

  3. Beautiful writing from your heart! Be blessed today.

  4. My heart is so touched by the beauty of your honest transparency:
    For waiting in the silence when there are no quick answers; For trusting when it hurts; for knowing that God has purpose, and design for suffering that we cannot explain; for knowing that it is Christ, the Victor who redeems all things - even the suffering in our lives for His eternal purposes that are good and healing and life giving. I belive!

  5. I truly believe while God has work for us to do...we will still be around. My husband survived esophageal cancer and I, open heart surgery. A friend who also had an open heart after a heart was hospitalized for many months and it's so good to see him walking again the other day. Amber, one book am sharing with you, "The Ministry of Healing," authored by E.G. White was a very sickly lady but was able to publish so many books that are so inspiring up to the present time. Yes, we live our lives a day at a time. Let's continue trusting and staying happy and doing what comes from our hearts. Many are praying for you. If we can be of any help please let us know. When you are ready to start your devotional book let me know anytime! Esther S.