I have tried writing this post multiple times over the past few days. Each time I kept running into a wall because my heart and mind is full of so many thoughts if only I could find the words eloquent enough to write it all down in a way that is clear and simple. In the midst of the chaos within I heard the still small voice of Him saying to me " just write." I felt Him saying that it didn't matter how together it was but the only thing that mattered was for me to share the raw, realness of my heart. As I have shared before the journey we have been on with health issues has been long and hard. It seems like forever in my head. There are days where the battle seems to be getting easier and we see a little glimpse of normalcy and then there are days that feels like we have taken 5 steps back. Although our life is very different now than it was 4 years ago this has become our "new life." Each day I struggle with trying to be "normal." There are even some days when I think I convince myself that I'm not as sick as I really am. A harsh dose of reality though always comes as I hook myself up to an IV each night or walk into the Clinic each Monday for my "weekly" visit with the Infusion Nurses.
I try to be strong and courageous but part of me feels so weak. The verse that has been on my heart over the past week especially is found in Acts 20:24 "However, I consider my life worth nothing to me; my only aim is to finish the race and complete the task the Lord has Jesus has given me-the task of testifying to the good news of God's grace." When I read this verse I instantly think of the word "sacrifice." Sacrifice is the point in life, a point in your circumstances where you realize there is something far more important than your own desires and wants that you are willing to risk it all. The biggest example that comes to mind is Jesus. I wonder how Jesus must have felt leading up to His death knowing that He would be tortured and crucified for someone else, a purpose beyond what He had planned. I imagine there must have been feelings of confusion and sadness and pleading with God to please let Him write a different story for His life. I wonder if He felt like it was unfair not to get married and have children but somewhere in His heart reasoned that because He trusted His Father it would be more than worth it.
At this point in my journey I have started asking God "what are Your plans for my life?" There came a point in this journey where I truly felt the Lord was asking me to push forward trusting Him through our trials not because there were triumphs for us eventually or healing physically but because our suffering was more important to show God's faithfulness to others. I wonder about some of the sacrifices I feel like God has asked of us and like I imagined Jesus feeling I wonder "why me?" I wonder why my life couldn't be filled with everyday chaos like flat tires, running out of milk, and not Doctors Offices. My heart hurts to think my husband will never know a marriage apart from having a sick wife, I hurt to think my 7 year old has had to worry that when she leaves for school her mommy may be in the hospital by the end of the school day. I hurt because I can't promise I will be at her graduation or when she gets married, or even to see her finish elementary school. I would be lying to say I'm not afraid of whats ahead but I believe God has asked me and our family to make a sacrifice that we will never fully understand but will continue to be worth it. Matthew 20:28 "For even I the Son of Man came not to be served but to serve and to offer my life as a ransom for many."