Stuck........

Peering out the picture window overlooking the glowing front yard by a warm ray of sunshine I am startled by tiny whimpers. As the whimpers grew louder and louder I soon realized it was coming from my 7 year old daughter Macie who had gotten stuck in a tree. We were at my in-laws overnight and they have huge trees everywhere and so Macie felt brave that evening and decided to climb one in the front yard. With her daddy standing nearby cheering her on she was grinning ear to ear, she got caught up in the moment and kept climbing only realizing after she was 1/3 the way up she still had to climb back down. 

As she looked at the ground below her precious little body became frozen in fear. Panic set in and she became overwhelmed at her circumstances surrounding her. As her cries became more hysterical her daddy stood at the bottom of the tree and tried patiently talking her through it but the fear was too great. Even though she trusts her daddy more than anything she was too distracted by the chaos around her to hear his voice even if it was the very thing that would lead her to safety. As I stood by watching I felt helpless, I wanted to scoop her up in my arms and carry her to shelter but no matter what I did I couldn’t help her down.

In life we have all come to a place where we have found ourselves out of reach. Panic stricken and desperate to be rescued, desperate to be carried to safety but regardless of how much we try we can’t figure out a plan on how to. “Never will I leave you never will I forsake you” are the whispers from our Heavenly Father standing below us as we dangle high above safety in the swirling chaos of our circumstances. Whether it be an addiction, financial ruin, a failing marriage, unhappy career, unexpected death, abuse, past trauma or heath crisis we have all be held captive to painful circumstances. Maybe it was even like my little Macie and we get so caught up in the moment that we don't realize how much further and further our steps are taking us towards danger and away from our Heavenly Fathers voice. 

The beauty of the story with Macie is that after a few minutes when her daddy realized his voice alone wasn’t going to help guide her to safety he and her grandpa got a ladder out of the garage and climbed up to her, stretched out their hand and held tight to her as they walked her calmly to safety. 

 Even when we feel like our circumstances are too big and there is no way out, even when our heavenly fathers voice seems so far away and fear has overtaken us and even when we feel unworthy He is still there. It is in those moments of desperation that He will reach up high above in the midst of our mess and pain, calm the fear within our minds, whisper hope to our hearts and grab ahold of our hand and walk us to safety. “I waited patiently for the Lord; he turned to me and heard my cry. He lifted me out of the slimy pit, out of the mud and mire; he set my feet on a rock and gave me a firm place to stand” Psalm 40:1-2

Whats all the fuss about?

“Out of the corner of my eye, as the soldiers led me away, I saw Pilate washing his hands. The last thing I heard as I was taken off to be beaten was, “Crucify Him.”

The cries of the crowd were charged, but the roman soldiers were just cold, calculated and cruel. They led me to a whipping post where I was stripped naked. Over and over they pounded instruments of torture against my flesh-cutting, tearing and ripping literal strips of skin off my back. Inner muscles and sinews were torn. That’s what happened when they scourged me by whips embedded with glass, nails and bone. 

Careful not to kill me, for I still had a cross to bear, they put aside their whips-but only to make an absolute mockery of me. The soldiers, out of sport and boredom, covered my raw, burning flesh with a scarlet robe and placed a crown made of prickly thorns into my scalp. I was in physical agony, but they had the time to kneel before my shaking body and spit upon me like I was some village idiot. “Hail, King of the Jews,” they sneered as my insides bled to the ground around me. If only they knew.

The physical break was short-lived. It was a time for me to carry my cross. I knew the burden was mine. I struggled with the weight of it for some time, but ultimately I fell to my knees. Another man had to help me finish the journey up to Golgotha.

When we got to the top of the hill, they offered me wine mixed with myrrh to dull my pain and my senses. There was still so much suffering ahead; they needed to make sure I was able to tolerate all of it. I refused. I needed to bear this pain. I needed to feel every excruciating moment.

 What they did next was the most horrible torture mankind had yet devised. Crucifixion was designed to kill by way of slow suffocation. As the arms and legs of most victims were bound, the upper body would lose its strength, eventually collapsing the weight of the body onto the lungs. But instead of letting my body collapse onto itself, they drove spikes through the bones of my wrists-adding extra support and extra time to my suffering. They nailed my feet into the cross so that I could stand longer.

 

As I hung there from my own limbs, I suffered the effects of any human body exposed to such trauma. The insufferable thirst of being hung in the sun fueled the fever brought on by the swelling of my wounds. Tetanus began to set in from the rusty nails, and the wounds from which I was hanging tore further as my body shook harder and harder.

Yet I never lost sight of my purpose on that cross. Even as the soldiers gambled my garments away while I hung there convulsing, even as they hung a mocking sign above me reading, “This is Jesus of Nazareth, the King of the Jews,” I still kept my character. On either side of me were true criminals-thieves being crucified for their crimes. One of them was defiant, mocking me, daring me to come down off my cross. How much I wanted to. The other criminal understood who I was. He asked if I would remember him when I came into my kingdom. Of course I would. He reminded me in my weakest hour, what I was there for. 

Then more hours passed as I, hung in agony, the sins of the world gnawing on every nerve in my flesh. It was not that I realized that even God the Father couldn’t look upon me. I cried, “My God, My God, why hast through forsaken m?” The people still there thought I was confused and filled a sponge with sour wine, pushing it up to my lips. 

As soon as the wine touched my lips, I knew the cup had passed. “IT IS FINISHED.” By David Nasser (Why Jesus?)

As Easter approaches it’s easy to get caught up in the hustle and bustle, the fuss of speckled eggs, jelly beans and the Easter Bunny. But as I think about the cracking of a leather whip being forcefully laid across Jesus back the significance of all that other “stuff” seems to not matter much. As a mother I can’t even wrap my mind around the thought of watching my own flesh and blood hanging on a cross for the sins, messiness and mistakes of complete strangers. We look at the soldiers who carried out the torturous plan that day in awe but forget that it’s really each and every one of us that holds the whip which tore across Jesus raw back because of our sins. The unconditional love that Jesus displayed is a reminder for us as He took each second of pain and only thought of us in His mind. As Easter approaches there is hope ignited within us as we remember the cost that a man paid willingly so that we could be free. The wages of sin are death but through the blood of Jesus we have been ransomed and will have eternal life!!! 

But He was wounded for our transgressions, He was bruised for our guilt and iniquities; the chastisement [needful to obtain] peace and well-being for us was upon Him, and with the stripes [that wounded] Him we are healed and made whole.

All we like sheep have gone astray, we have turned every one to his own way; and the Lord has made to light upon Him the guilt and iniquity of us all.

He was oppressed, [yet when] He was afflicted, He was submissive and opened not His mouth; like a lamb that is led to the slaughter, and as a sheep before her shearers is dumb, so He opened not His mouth.

By oppression and judgment He was taken away; and as for His generation, who among them considered that He was cut off out of the land of the living [stricken to His death] for the transgression of my [Isaiah’s] people, to whom the stroke was due?

And they assigned Him a grave with the wicked, and with a rich man in His death, although He had done no violence, neither was any deceit in His mouth.

Yet it was the will of the Lord to bruise Him; He has put Him to grief and made Him sick. When You and He make His life an offering for sin [and He has risen from the dead, in time to come], He shall see His [spiritual] offspring, He shall prolong His days, and the will and pleasure of the Lord shall prosper in His hand.

He shall see [the fruit] of the travail of His soul and be satisfied; by His knowledge of Himself [which He possesses and imparts to others] shall My [uncompromisingly] righteous One, My Servant, justify many and make many righteous (upright and in right standing with God), for He shall bear their iniquities and their guilt [with the consequences, says the Lord]. Isaiah 53:5-11

As we celebrate Easter this year it is not about all the fuss that pierces our hearts but the hope that we have through Jesus. Even as Jesus hung on the cross in pain as the result of our own sins He still loved us more than we could ever imagine. Regardless of what you have done or where you have been you can rest assured that through His stripes…….“IT IS FINISHED!!!!”

Never thirst again.....

As I roll out of bed in the morning and notice two 32 ounce Gatorade bottles sitting on my bedside table I am reminded of the restless night’s sleep I got the night before. It’s a vicious cycle every other night but necessary for survival. Before crawling in bed I connect the IV line in my arm to a bag of electrolytes and let it infuse for 6 hours while I sleep, or try to sleep. The electrolyte solution most recently the Doctors have prescribed contain extra Sodium (salt). If you know anything about chemistry or food you know that consuming extra salts cause fluid to be retained in the cells of your body and so in order to cycle that through you become extremely thirsty.  It’s really about balancing out the fluids in your body so that your cells aren’t dehydrated which is why the salt is added so that my body holds on to the fluid more and helps with hydration. It never fails though like clockwork a few hours after I start infusing I wake up feeling like my throat is closing up, I am chewing a piece of cotton instead of bubblegum and my tongue feels like sandpaper. Even though I’m half out of it and exhausted I can’t go back to sleep, I can’t relax or do anything, it consumes my mind until I sleepily walk down to the kitchen and grab a Gatorade out of the fridge to quench that extreme thirst I’m feeling. As I was trying to understand this whole process the Lord placed a particular passage of scripture on my heart and a light bulb went off where it all seemed to make sense.

Matthew 5:13-16 “Let me tell you why you are here. You’re here to be salt-seasoning that brings out the God-flavors of this earth. If you lose your saltiness, how will people taste godliness? You’ve lost your usefulness and will end up in the garbage. Here’s another way to put it: You’re here to be light, bringing out the God-colors in the world. God is not a secret to be kept. We’re going public with this, as public as a city on a hill. If I make you light-bearers, you don’t think I’m going to hide you under a bucket, do you? I’m putting you on a light stand. Now that I’ve put you there on a hilltop, on a light stand—shine! Keep open house; be generous with your lives. By opening up to others, you’ll prompt people to open up with God, this generous Father in heaven.”

See because the IV fluids I infuse every other night have salt in them it makes me extremely thirsty. When we read Matthew 5:13-16 the Lord is asking us to be the salt in the world that starts a chain reaction, a reaction that causes an extreme thirst in the hearts and lives of those around us that will only be quenched by the living water of Jesus Christ. The other part of this verse is about being the light of the world. As followers of Jesus it’s our duty to share the good news of Jesus and to help light the way before those who are lost and help guide them to Jesus. By sharing our testimonies and the ways in which God has transformed our lives we can show others His grace and love and shine a light of hope into their lives. I encourage you this week to be the salt and light of the world so that others will thirst after Him. “But whoever takes a drink of the water that I will give him shall never, no never, be thirsty any more. But the water that I will give him shall become a spring of water welling up (flowing, bubbling) [continually] within him unto (into, for) eternal life” John 4:14

Enjoy the ride........

"Turn right, don't turn the defrost on, you can probably turn off the windshield wipers, there is a parking space over there, geez watch those potholes" are just a few off the list of comments I hear echoed from my husband riding in the passenger seat. It's no secret to Scott but I will make a public declaration that it absolutely drives me bonkers to be driving and constantly hear comments made about my driving and what I should and shouldn't be doing the entire trip." Whenever we travel as a family we usually take the SUV which is my car because it is much easier to get in and out with Macie our daughter opposed to Scotts vehicle which is a truck. See I am a little shorter than Scott, ok a whole lot shorter, so for him to drive its more of a hassle to have to move the seat all the way up, raise the steering wheel and adjust the rear-view mirror so that its comfortable to him so instead I just drive. However by me driving and Scott riding in the passenger seat is where the issue comes in. I wont embarrass either of us by mentioning our age but we have both been driving equally as long if anything only a few months difference. We have similar driving records and are both experienced and knowledgeable in driving but for some reason he constantly feels the need to make sure I know what to do or add input where he feels it should be added. As the driver I am in control, I am the one guiding us and leading us along our journey and because of that there needs to be a level of trust that my passengers invest in my ability and experience.

Although it may not be from riding in a car we all struggle with trying to drive from the passenger seat don't we? See we choose a relationship with God and when that happens we agree to give up control and allow Him to take the wheel but all too often we find ourselves whispering from the passenger seat which way He should guide us. Now we can't always foresee the roadblocks or trials ahead but we have to trust that the one holding the wheel tightly in His hands is capable and experienced to handle anything we may face. Even when our hearts and minds know that God is powerful, omnipotent and a faithful leader and can handle the highs and lows still we struggle with the idea of giving him complete control all the time and just sitting back, shutting up and enjoying the ride. God loves us more than we can ever imagine and wants nothing more than to bless us and lead us down a life of favor but if we are constantly reaching from the passenger seat for the wheel and trying to get in the way we miss out on all that God has in store for us.

Isaiah 30:21 "This is the way walk in it."

Father, today I give You the liberty to do all that is needed so I can walk in Your anointing. You have the full right to mold me for handling the power of Your Spirit. Let me see things the way You see them and I ask that You will help me to walk perfectly in Your timing. Show me what I should do and not do today. Holy Spirit, be my teacher and helper. I release to You today all control and I say that my flesh submits to the will of God for me. I believe that You open and close doors and show me what tasks are ordained of You. Lord, I rest in You as You make me Your anointed vessel of honor and light! In Jesus’ Name, AMEN.

More Than Enough.......

Why is it that it takes absence in order for us to appreciate blessings that we once took for granted. There is a saying that says "absence makes the heart grow fonder" and I believe there is validity to this statement. Over the past 3 years or so I have realized that indeed the absence of some very simple things in my life have opened my eyes to the reality that I took the littlest things for granted and only appreciated the big moments instead of each moment. Although health challenges have rattled our lives and shaken us up pretty badly at times we have taken on this new role for our lives and tried to embrace it. At countless times it's as if a veil has been lifted and my eyes opened because there is this new and fresh sense of perspective and appreciation over each blessing in my life. There are so many times where the simplest things throughout my days have helped me truly realize how crazy blessed I am. I have days where I throw myself pity parties but the Lord continues to remind me that it could be so much worse and nothing in this life is promised. Just as I grieve some of the lost simple moments in my life, I embrace what I do have and realize that tomorrow that could be gone.

When I got very sick 3 years ago Macie was only 4. At 4 years old you love being swung as mommy and daddy stand on both sides of you and swing you by your arms screaming "wee" with joy and excitement. At 4 you fall asleep in the back of the car after a long day and want someone to carry you inside and tuck you in bed. At 4 you still can't quite reach the water fountain and need someone to lift you up to get a cool drink. One of the most difficult realities though with me being so sick is not what I have lost but that regardless of how difficult our circumstances became our daughter was still a 4 year old with the same wants and needs. She didn't understand my physical limitations and although she was ever so patient with me it broke my heart that I couldn't be what I thought was "enough" for her. I couldn't swing her or pick her up or lift her for a drink and that to me was devastating. I remember many moments siting by myself crying because I felt like she needed more from me and although it was my best she deserved more. I beat myself up many times and even cried out to God broken hearted and at times mad because it seemed unfair and then it hit me one day as we were going up the stairs. It was a season physically that I was really struggling and not feeling well and it was exhausting for me to even go up stairs. As I stopped halfway up to rest it was everything I had not to start sobbing uncontrollably while I said to Macie "I'm so sorry Macie." Through her tiny little voice I heard back "its ok mommy I know your trying." A moment I will never forget, a moment that I realized although I didn't feel like enough, to her I was everything and more.

Even though physically I have limitations Macie sees my heart and devotion. I wonder how many of you feel like this with your relationship with God at times. I know there are moments where I feel like I can't quite measure up. I feel like I will never be enough and what God wants. I even have had moments where I wondered if God was disappointed in me and felt like I was a failure. In those moments though I hear the words to a song that say "You see the depths of my heart and You love me the same, You are amazing God."

This past week as I was climbing into bed I stopped in Macies room and my heart ached to hold her. My heart ached to turn the hands of time back 3 years ago and get back a moment in time that had been lost. As I bent down to kiss her goodnight I instead wrapped my arms tightly around her, picked her up and held her in my arms. It was a moment I will never forget and as she soundly wrested in my arms her eyes started to flutter and I heard those 4 sweet words "I love you mommy." 

 There are times when I still struggle with being enough as a mom, wife and christian but what I have realized is that Macie doesn't want a supermom but me as her mom. My husband doesn't want a perfect wife but me as his wife. And God doesn't want a perfect daughter but a broken daughter who is completely dependent on Him. Even in the moments where I feel insignificant and less than enough He can look into the hidden places in my heart and see my love and adoration for Him, He can see that I long to measure up and please Him and He wants nothing more than to hold me close and tell me how proud He is. God doesn't look at how together we are, God doesn't want superstars but just us in our weakest moments and most unattractiveness because that's what unconditional love is.

"Off Limits"

When I started writing 3 years ago it was merely a way for me to process the things in my life. Something about writing and pouring my emotions and heart onto paper helped me sort through the details of my circumstances. With each post I wrote there became a new comfort and honesty unfold and I knew then that I may never write a bestselling book but I promised to be real and raw and be as transparent as possible to others, myself and God. I have shared posts about my health battles, my marriage, my daughter, my struggles and weaknesses and tried hard to be sensitive to the voice of God and be obedient to whatever direction He wanted me to share yes that is true EXCEPT that one area, that one place I have tucked deep down in my heart hidden from the world. I have said to God “use me God for Your glory, use my story as a testimony to Your goodness, I am Yours but don’t even think about asking me to uncover that one piece. No that piece of my journey isn’t for the world but only me, that area God is off limits.” Even this morning I let out a huge sigh when I felt God was asking me to write about this and I thought to myself “ugh are You sure God, can’t You pick something else.” Does this sound familiar to anyone? Those things that God wants to bring to light the enemy will continue to cover even deeper in the darkness of your heart. Instead of looking at that part of your story as a testimony to how far God has brought you and what He has brought you through you allow it to fester into shame, guilt and bitterness. Even when you think it doesn’t bother you anymore and it’s no big deal Satan knows how to dig his nails into that painful wound and pick and pick until the pain is unbearable once again. ‎"

When the Archenemy finds a weak place in the walls of our castles, he takes care where to plant his battering ram and begin his siege. You may conceal your infirmity, even from your dearest friend, but you will not conceal it from your worst Enemy. He has lynx eyes and detects in a moment the weak point in your armor. He goes about with a match, and though you may think you have covered all the gunpowder of your heart, he knows how to find a crack to put his match through. Much mischief will he do, unless eternal mercy prevents." Charles Spurgeon

I read a devotional this morning that was a reminder to me about some of those very areas that many people are facing, those areas they keep tucked away and hidden. 

“An Apology”

By: Stephanie Clayton

"For freedom Christ has set us free; stand firm therefore, and do not submit again to a yoke of slavery." Galatians 5:1 (ESV)

Numb to the pain, I sat in my counselor's office to talk about the rape that occurred 10 years prior. I wanted to share what happened but the words would not come. Even if they did, would I feel better? I hoped so, but doubted the process. This part of my life had been hidden for 10 years; surely another 10 wouldn't hurt, right?

Although I wanted desperately to run, I desired freedom more than escape.
Freedom from nightmares, uncontrollable mood swings, panic attacks, and the feeling of gasping for air. Freedom from unforgiveness. Hiding any longer from my pain would never help me move forward. So I stayed in counseling.


Uneasy, I described what happened. The sounds, sights, and smells returned as if it were yesterday. I was left wanting one thing.

An apology.


Couldn't someone say they were sorry for what happened? Not a shallow apology, but one that would restore meaning to my life. One that would somehow return my loss of innocence. Surely an apology from the man who raped me would make a difference, right?


After 10 years, I knew I wanted freedom from the unforgiveness that seemed to enslave me. But how was I supposed to forgive when he never said, "I'm sorry"? I spent a lot of time praying and studying how to move forward when bitter and angry. How to forgive when an apology never comes. Along that journey, I learned a few things.


First of all, for forgiveness to bring freedom, I had to offer it freely, with no strings attached. Not because the person who hurt me earned it, but because it's Christ's gift. If you are a Christian, no one's sin, not even your own, has the right to hold you captive. That means you are free to forgive.

You may not feel like forgiving, but that is where you ask for God's strength. Ask Him daily for help until you are able to offer forgiveness freely to yourself and others.


Second, I had to release my shame. Often when someone hurts us, we blame ourselves. If we had been a better person, done something differently, or spoken more assertively we could have avoided what happened. Right? Wrong! Pressing shame and blame upon ourselves is not conducive to freedom and healing. Galatians 5:1 says, "For freedom Christ has set us free; stand firm therefore, and do not submit again to a yoke of slavery."

Shame is a yoke of slavery. Instead of accepting shame, choose to stand firm in Jesus' love. Stand firm in His freedom that releases you from shame. Because of His sacrifice on the cross you are free!

Third, I had to keep walking forward. To move past your past you must walk through it to move beyond it. This might involve time and professional help ... but here's the freeing part: your past does not define you, Christ does!


I never received an apology from the man who raped me. But I've come to realize that even if he were to apologize it would not make up for the hurt he caused. His apology could not and would not set me free.
Freedom is not contingent upon receiving an apology from those who have hurt us. Instead, forgiveness leads to freedom and is possible because Christ's death on the cross set us free.

Maybe you too have experienced some kind of abuse whether it be physical, emotional or sexual. Maybe you have been through a painful divorce, affair, addiction, or other traumatizing event. Like the author regardless of whether it was 10 years ago or 10 days ago it’s just as painful, it’s just as real and it hurts. You may feel alone, damaged, ashamed and bitter and although I can’t understand what you are personally feeling I know the power of Jesus is bigger than any darkness or pain of this world. The enemy may try to keep your story hidden but Jesus can break the chains of your infirmity and use every single moment of your suffering for His glory and purpose. 

Dear Lord, thank You that Your death on the cross gives us all the strength we need to forgive those who have hurt us. Where there is unforgiveness, uproot it with grace. Allow Your mercy to fall on the burdened places of our hearts and minds and show us the areas we need to be set free. Thank You that Your grace, always has been, and will always be, enough. In Jesus' Name I Pray, Amen.