The Many Faces of Motherhood

A mothers heart has such depth and dimension to it. Over the past few days I started thinking about the many different designs of motherhood that I know. As a newlywed couple 10 years ago we found out that I was pregnant with our daughter Macie. We weren't planning to have children for a few years at this point but God has other plans. When I met our daughter my my heart exploded and I fell in love. Then a few years later we decided to try and have another child so Macie could have a brother or sister. After struggling with lots of infertility treatments and procedures we were devastated because the dream of motherhood that I had dreamed for my life was looking very different.  It was then that I started to understand the heart of a mother and the many different facets they took on. Over the past few years I have watched both of my sisters become step mothers and now biological mothers. The heart of a mother has such depth and dimension to it because it allows us to be selfless, caring, compassionate, it allows us to be courageous and to fight for our kids, dream for our kids, laugh with our kids and cry with our kids. I have watched my sisters nurture and love their stepsons in the very same way that I do with my daughter who is my biological child. I watch my sisters give of themselves selflessly to their stepsons, they hope with them, dream with them, pray with them, cry with them and triumph with them.I know Mother's who have adopted children and the love that they have for them is as instant and unconditional as the love I have for my child. The heart of a mother is about being selfless day in and day out and choosing to put someone else before themselves. The heart of a mother isn't learned but just exists. There are women who struggle with infertility and the way that they approach treatments and confusing diagnosis exemplifies their mothers heart already to keep pressing on and put their dream of motherhood first. For our lives the idea of motherhood took on a very different meaning than we ever thought but I couldn't imagine any other way. Maybe motherhood looks different for you than you thought it would like? But one thing is for certain, the Lord created within us the most sensitive hearts to equip us to have hearts like a mother.

From my friend Aleisha Rust:

Happy Mother's day - 

To the mama's with full hearts. To the mama's with broken hearts. To the fur mama's. The didn't know you would ever be mama's and the mama's that long to be. To my girlfriends, my Aunts, my Grandmother's, my Mom in love and most of all my own mama. YOU are kind. You are fearless. YOU ARE...important.

Mother's day originated as a day of remembrance for those that have lost babies. On this day I am thankful not only for my 4 here with me, but I am grateful to my 4 with wings I have yet to hold in my arms. This day can be heavy for some and I want you to know, today we celebrate YOU. 

You are amazing. You are kind and you are loved. Happy mother's day heart emoticon

RWOE(RandomWords of Encouragement) Day 2015

https://www.facebook.com/events/1570709636507882/?notif_t=plan_user_joined

"What will you gain when you lose?"

With my toes dangling slightly over the edge of the cliff a fear of the unknown below starts to creep in. Although the details of the next step are unknown the solid place in which I have been planted on for quiet some time now is coming to a close and it's time to move on. The path in which I have already traveled has had its fair shares of ups and downs but it's become a place of safety and contentment. Although part of me longs to stay in this very place for a little longer there is a hunger deep within and drive for something new, bold and adventurous. In 5 hours that giant leap towards the unknown will become a reality. We will no longer be able to stay in the safety of 2014 but instead be forced to step into the unknown of 2015. As the world counts down 10, 9, 8, 7, 6, 5, 4, 3, 2, 1 we will bid another year goodbye and say hello to new possibilities.

Today I was thinking about how right this very moment we are on the verge of possibly the greatest year of our lives, or again it could be one of the worst years of our lives, either way it's a mystery yet to be unlocked and unraveled. Maybe this year was the greatest year you have ever had and you find yourself struggling with letting go, or maybe its been the worst year of your life and you are desperate for a new beginning. Although there are many unknowns, one thing is for certain and that is that we have the ability and choice to clothe ourselves in an attitude of praise in spite of our circumstances.

Although a sense of excitement wells up within me every year as we approach midnight, I am reminded tonight that it's only a number. Jeremiah 29:11 "For I know the plans I have for you declares the Lord. Plans to prosper you and not to harm you, to give you a hope and a future."

As humans there is this innate desire to start over and grab the bull by its horns towards new possibilities but because the blood of Jesus was spilled out for us we can start over anytime. "By no means do I count myself an expert in all of this (life), but I’ve got my eye on the goal, where God is beckoning us onward—to Jesus. I’m off and running, and I’m not turning back. 

The difficulties of yesterday are gone, wiped clean, and the path is cleared ahead for Christ to lead us towards greatness. This year as we move from 2014 to 2015 I'm laying down the things from the past. I'm choosing to let go of the pain and struggles of 2014 so that my hands are empty and ready to receive the blessings and beauty of 2015. As yourself today this; "what will you gain when you lose?" I love that quote and the thought of how when we truly let go of the past God has so much planned for us to gain because our hands are open to receive them. 1 Corinthians  2:9 "No eye has seen, no ear has heard no mind can imagine the plans that God has for those who love Him."

"I myself go before you and will be with you. So do not be afraid; not not be discouraged. I, your loving Savior, am also infinite God! I am omnipresent: present everywhere at once. This makes it possible for Me to go ahead of you-opening up the way-without ever leaving your side. The promise of My presence is for all time. No matter where you go or what circumstances you encounter, I will be with you. This is the basis of your courage and confidence" Sarah Young.

Freedom through and through.....

The more transparent I long to be the deeper I find myself hiding. As I tirelessly work to remove the layers of protection one by one the more I realize the hardness and imprisonment of my heart beneath. Instead of using all those layers as protection and safety against the storms of life it's become evident my own form of shielding and protection has become the very thing that strangles my heart from moving, beating, circulating and feeling, my heart has become hardened.

As I peer across the room filled with beautiful women crying out to Jesus I can't help but see her radiance, as I watch her worship I see such raw pure abandonment, and total surrender and freedom. Ten minutes before I sat stiff in my chair not trying to move an inch as I sat listening to her story and the terrifying pain she has endured through years of physical, sexual and emotional abuse. After awhile I started to feel nauseous because although she has faced so much, much more sorrow than I could ever imagine, I realized in that moment she has found freedom  and joy and I am still a prisoner. I realized that through so much in life I still allow myself to carry around my bags of burdens. Although I have heard of His grace and the freedom we can find through Christ somewhere along the way I found myself picking back up my burdens and allowing myself to be a prisoner again to the enemy and his schemes.

You see I know Jesus, I met Him and fell in love with Him many years ago and over the years He has held me in times of sadness and sorrow and has celebrated with me in moments of victory, but instead of allowing Him to carry the burdens and hurts of my heart completely I have crept in at times and taken it back. But what I realized sitting in the sanctuary last night is that life has beaten me down over and over the past few years so much that unconsciously instead of allowing myself to be hurt and broken again and again I instead started building up walls of protection to shield my heart from the pain. Instead of allowing myself to be vulnerable and exposed I started wearing around this armor to protect myself instead of taking the chance of being hurt, and instead it left me empty and numb and my heart cut off from the nutrients and nourishment it needs. I allowed myself to no longer feel joy, hope and excitement for today because I told myself that maybe tomorrow things would be better. I was constantly living for tomorrow and in the process I missed so many today's. I often said to myself "maybe tomorrow I wont be sick anymore and can be a better wife, mom and friend? Or maybe tomorrow when God fixes all my weaknesses and insecurities then I will be able to be used to serve Him. Or maybe tomorrow when the past is so far behind me I will be worthy enough of being His beloved."

Last night as I sat in my chair in the sanctuary ticked off, broken, sad, and used up I decided I was tired of waiting for tomorrow!!! You see I decided that because the Son has set us free that we ARE FREE indeed (John 8:36). I decided that instead of waiting to be fixed tomorrow, that the power of Jesus wants to penetrate every layer of my hardened heart and infuse new life into my soul so that TODAY I WILL BE THE BEST. Today I will be the best wife, mom and friend and through Him TODAY I will be used for His glory and kingdom because He knows every chapter of my story, He knows the past, the present and has planned a beautiful future filled with hope and purpose.

Jesus, create in me a pure heart and renew a new spirit within me. Transform my heart, my mind, and my being. Thank You Jesus that Your mercies are new each morning and Your faithfulness is beyond sufficient for me each day. Help me to hold tight to Your promises and grace and allow myself to feel the rawness of each emotion. Help me to continue to remove the layers of protection I have built up around my heart so that only You remain. I love You Jesus and thank You that even in the midst of my brokenness that I AM Your beloved yesterday, tomorrow, but better yet TODAY!

The day something changed......

I can’t precisely tell you the day or the hour it happened. It’s not like my wedding anniversary I wear etched on a bronze pendant around I my neck. It’s not circled in red on the calendar or written on an apt card at the bottom of my messy purse, but it should be. Somewhere along the way through the heartache, struggles, exhaustion and discouragement I lost my joy. Not like you lose your car keys or the other sock in the dryer or even your phone because really it’s still there underneath all the “stuff” and baggage, but my joy is gone. Each day instead of putting on my good glasses that help me see the world more clearly, the glasses that help make me aware of the joy and blessings right in front of me I have been putting on my shades. My shades make everything dark and dim and keep me stuck in a blah funk where I stay stuck in my pity party and focus on my suffering and hardships. I want my joy back, I want to live not focused on the things I don’t have or the suffering I am walking through but instead I want to focus on how good God is in the simplest things of everyday life. It's one thing to shout from the rooftops of triumph how great God is and another to proclaim it still in the valley of despair. God is great in the goodness of life, but God is real, raw, personable, tender, loving and sovereign in the not so good too.

“Rejecting joy to stand in solidarity with the suffering doesn't rescue the suffering. The converse does. The brave who focus on all things good and all things beautiful and all things true, even in the small, who give thanks for it and discover joy even in the here and now, they are the change agents who bring fullest Light to all the world. When we lay the soil of our hard lives open to the rain of grace and let joy penetrate our cracked and dry places, let joy soak into our broken skin and deep crevices, life grows. The clouds open when we mouth thanks" Ann Voskamp

1 Thessalonians 5:18 “give thanks in all circumstances; for this is God's will for you in Christ Jesus”

Today I decided that I cannot live one more day without joy. So I decided to take a challenge with the help of the book “One Thousand Gifts” Each day I am going to make a list of the things in my life regardless of how little or simple they seem and find joy in them. As words of thanksgiving leave my mouth for something good the Lord has provided a stake is being driven down deep into those unhealthy areas where I allowed my joy to be held captive to. 

We may not ever figure out the day or hour I lost my joy but I can say that on May 17^th, 2014 I, Amber Cameron am nailing a stake down and starting a journey to get it back and here is the beginning of my silly, little list:

Little pieces of joy

       Blueberry Candles

       Cuddling

      Take out for dinner

       Our gentle dog snoring

Hope for tomorrow......

Eek, was all I could mutter. There were cars lined up bumper to bumper as far as I could see and when I looked in my rear view mirror it was just as jam packed. Here I am trying to get onto the main highway on a Friday afternoon in rush hour in a big city. In that moment the panic started to set in, I felt my blood begin to boil and my patience were wearing thin. I was hot, nausea's, exhausted and done and just wanted out. In my head I thought to myself "ok I can't do this, I want out." I started looking around and realized I'm stuck and there is no other way out, there is no way for me to bail and the only way is to keep going, to keep traveling through the chaos and eventually I would make it through. Every time I get ready to jump on a busy highway in heavy traffic I think to myself "what if I decided now that I didn't want to keep going and that I wanted to bail?" Unfortunately when your driving 65mph and there are cars everywhere you can't just freak out and stop in the middle of the road because your scared. You can't just bail out and the only way through the chaos is to keep going and to keep traveling through the madness.

I know there are times where I feel like this in life. I look ahead and can only see chaos, I look behind and see the aftermath of chaos and in my own strength I'm overwhelmed, exhausted and done and I feel like I want out, I feel like I need a route to bail because its just too much. In that moment though the Lord whispers in my ear “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness” 2 Corinthians 12:9. In those moments God reminds me of His faithfulness and how far He has brought me and that if I trust in Him He will remain faithful and help carry me through the chaos and madness. Last year at this time I was physically, emotionally and even spiritually done. I felt like I was stuck in rush hour traffic in life and when I looked up ahead I only saw chaos and when I looked behind me I saw chaos. In the midst of deep heartache I looked down at the ground one day and cried out to the Lord and said "God I can't do this, I can't go through another single hurt and I need to know Your here" I still remember where I was standing and the feel of the air around me that day and as I looked up through tear clouded eyes I saw a butterfly gently fly by in front of me and in that moment I knew He was with me and that He would never leave me. "Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid or terrified, for the Lord your God goes with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you" Deuteronomy 31:6.

Today as I sit curled up in my rocking chair in a fuzzy blanket with a warm mug of hot tea in my hands I think back to that day and His promises. Regardless of the place or reason, big or small whenever I see a butterfly I am reminded of how far He has brought me and how much He loves me and has purpose and good meant for my life. I am reminded that He holds each tear in the palm of His hands and uses each piece of my sorrows to sculpt together a beautiful masterpiece in His timing. Romans 8:28 "God works all things together for His good." The beautiful thing about God is that His grace is more than enough for all of my mess and for yours as well. No matter what your facing, no matter how worn out, frustrated, and stuck you feel, He is more than enough. "Through Him we are more than conquerors" Romans 8:37. Through Jesus although my life is full of chaos and difficulties I have hope for today because He has promised good for my tomorrow.

I am weak.....

 

Though I am weak He makes me strong. 

As I stood in the second row of seats last Sunday morning I felt exhausted and on emotional overload. It had been a difficult week being in the hospital and with the passing of a family member and honestly I hadn’t even planned on being in church that morning because I still wasn’t feeling great but the Lord knew what I needed and he heard the whispers of my heart long before I could even make sense of them. “Lord God, Your Holy Spirit helps me in my weakness. I do not know what I ought to pray for, but the Spirit Himself intercedes for me with groans that words cannot express. And He who searches my heart knows the mind of the Spirit, because Your Spirit intercedes for me in accordance with Your will” Romans 8:26-27

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As worship began the walls of my heart came tumbling down and as we sang about the sweet name of “Jesus” my heart was pierced with so many emotions. Joy, thankfulness, exhaustion, and peace washed over me and hope flooded my heart. For the past 10 months each day has been a battle physically, emotionally and at times spiritually and on that Sunday morning I desperately needed to fall down before the feet of Jesus.  My prayer was this; “Jesus please make me strong enough that I may be weak.” The cry of my heart was that I wanted nothing more than for His strength to be infused into me physically that I could go to the alter in my human weakness and get on my knees and pour out my heart.  For so many months I couldn’t have imagined having the strength to physically get on my knees at the altar, there were many days I couldn’t even take off my own shoes at night and needed help from my family but this Sunday morning was different. Although I had just gotten out of the hospital and was battling a major infection, had a drain in my side and still dealing with lots of major healing In those moments the Lord gave me strength and took away the pain so that I could kneel at the alter and allow myself to be weak yet made strong through Him. There was power in that moment and every difficulty, trial, moment of pain and frustration the Lord traded for peace and comfort. As I laid my weaknesses before Him I felt Him embrace me with His loving arms and whisper hope into my heart. He reminded me that His mercies are new every morning and His faithfulness is always sufficient for each day. 

“You say to me, Lord, My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness. Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Your power may rest on me” 2 Corinthians 12:9.