So many thoughts, so many emotions.......Sometimes I feel like a hamster in a wheel, running as fast as it's little legs can go but not moving from the spot it's in. But then you stop and think about think about the choice to get on the wheel and actually run and realize it's gotta be meaningful. For me it's been FEAR that kept me for so long from even getting on the wheel. Fear of the unknown, it sounds silly because if it's an unknown road we are facing how do we associate fear with it because we don't know what's ahead so really it may just be fear of doing what we have always done. Fear in letting go....They say insanity is defined as "doing what you always did and expecting different results."

But you come to a point where the heaviness of each day is too much, the cycle of what's comfortable is actually miserable. Change is hard but the feeling of being stuck and in chains to misery is not living, not experiencing the abundance God has for us. You can focus on the the past or you can allow it to motivate and launch you into a new place in life, you can face the fear head on and look the tiger in the eye. It's scary but ultimately worth the fight.

Each day is a step forward and each moment a new opportunity to learn and grow. I want to be more like Jesus, I want my life to reflect joy, surrender, brokenness but ultimately RESTORATION !! I want my story to reflect His grace and my journey to mean something, there is always purpose in our pain. It doesn't mean the pain is ok and what we have been through always is fair but it means that God is powerful enough to use the junk for good. "He works all things together for my good!" Romans 8:28

Today I will celebrate being in the wheel and running as fast as my little legs can go, I will celebrate how far we have come and the joy and journey that's ahead. I will allow yesterday to motivate me to seek new heights today and to not be ok with where we were but hunger for where we are going.....so many thoughts, so many emotions, but really feeling, and I'm ok.....

More....

Each step brings a different awareness. One second your in agony and you think at the end of all human capability and strength. Then something deep inside thirsts for more, that thirst is so intense that the same cycle you have been in leaves you dissatisfied, unquenched. That thirst can remain or motivate you to seek higher levels of satisfaction. It gets boring staying the same, we realize in the monotony that we always were meant for more. There's always greatness to obtain in this life, there's always more beyond this moment and when that next milestone is achieved we push even more, we never give up and stay the same. This morning the thirst grew unquenchable, I longed for more. I prayed for my heart to be still but my god said "I have more for you!l so I pushed harder than before, I walked faster for awhile until He sparked a motivation deep inside I never believed I had in myself anymore and I started running..... I didn't run for long today but tomorrow is another story. It's gonna be hard for awhile just as walking was but I refuse to give up and I refuse to settle for anything but greatness because that's who God says I am. So tomorrow i will walk and then slowly run, for how long I don't know, but I will move forward either way.

The Great UNKNOWN

"You call me out upon the waters, the great UNKNOWN my feet may fail, and there I find YOU in the mystery in oceans deep, my FAITH WILL STAND!"

I started a journey two weeks ago, an UNKNOWN journey. Each step brings a different emotion and each emotion a deeper grasp of FAITH. I have cried, laughed, begged, pleaded, bartered, and traded the groaning of my guilt ridden heart for a badge of GRACE and FREEDOM. It hasn't been easy but in my weakest moments I have found Gods strength. As I sat in a pit of despair He whispered gently in my ear that I have been restored and He has washed away my iniquities. You see He didn't always carry me but I had to intentionally reach out through the mud and mess of my life and in my brokenness surrender and He has walked beside me each painful moment to victory.

It's a work in progress but what I have discovered along the way is a hunger and passion to know my HEALER and not just long for my HEALING.

"I will call upon YOUR name keep my eyes above the waves when oceans rise, my soul will REST in YOUR embrace, for I am YOURS and you are mine!"

The Many Faces of Motherhood

A mothers heart has such depth and dimension to it. Over the past few days I started thinking about the many different designs of motherhood that I know. As a newlywed couple 10 years ago we found out that I was pregnant with our daughter Macie. We weren't planning to have children for a few years at this point but God has other plans. When I met our daughter my my heart exploded and I fell in love. Then a few years later we decided to try and have another child so Macie could have a brother or sister. After struggling with lots of infertility treatments and procedures we were devastated because the dream of motherhood that I had dreamed for my life was looking very different.  It was then that I started to understand the heart of a mother and the many different facets they took on. Over the past few years I have watched both of my sisters become step mothers and now biological mothers. The heart of a mother has such depth and dimension to it because it allows us to be selfless, caring, compassionate, it allows us to be courageous and to fight for our kids, dream for our kids, laugh with our kids and cry with our kids. I have watched my sisters nurture and love their stepsons in the very same way that I do with my daughter who is my biological child. I watch my sisters give of themselves selflessly to their stepsons, they hope with them, dream with them, pray with them, cry with them and triumph with them.I know Mother's who have adopted children and the love that they have for them is as instant and unconditional as the love I have for my child. The heart of a mother is about being selfless day in and day out and choosing to put someone else before themselves. The heart of a mother isn't learned but just exists. There are women who struggle with infertility and the way that they approach treatments and confusing diagnosis exemplifies their mothers heart already to keep pressing on and put their dream of motherhood first. For our lives the idea of motherhood took on a very different meaning than we ever thought but I couldn't imagine any other way. Maybe motherhood looks different for you than you thought it would like? But one thing is for certain, the Lord created within us the most sensitive hearts to equip us to have hearts like a mother.

From my friend Aleisha Rust:

Happy Mother's day - 

To the mama's with full hearts. To the mama's with broken hearts. To the fur mama's. The didn't know you would ever be mama's and the mama's that long to be. To my girlfriends, my Aunts, my Grandmother's, my Mom in love and most of all my own mama. YOU are kind. You are fearless. YOU ARE...important.

Mother's day originated as a day of remembrance for those that have lost babies. On this day I am thankful not only for my 4 here with me, but I am grateful to my 4 with wings I have yet to hold in my arms. This day can be heavy for some and I want you to know, today we celebrate YOU. 

You are amazing. You are kind and you are loved. Happy mother's day heart emoticon

RWOE(RandomWords of Encouragement) Day 2015

https://www.facebook.com/events/1570709636507882/?notif_t=plan_user_joined

"What will you gain when you lose?"

With my toes dangling slightly over the edge of the cliff a fear of the unknown below starts to creep in. Although the details of the next step are unknown the solid place in which I have been planted on for quiet some time now is coming to a close and it's time to move on. The path in which I have already traveled has had its fair shares of ups and downs but it's become a place of safety and contentment. Although part of me longs to stay in this very place for a little longer there is a hunger deep within and drive for something new, bold and adventurous. In 5 hours that giant leap towards the unknown will become a reality. We will no longer be able to stay in the safety of 2014 but instead be forced to step into the unknown of 2015. As the world counts down 10, 9, 8, 7, 6, 5, 4, 3, 2, 1 we will bid another year goodbye and say hello to new possibilities.

Today I was thinking about how right this very moment we are on the verge of possibly the greatest year of our lives, or again it could be one of the worst years of our lives, either way it's a mystery yet to be unlocked and unraveled. Maybe this year was the greatest year you have ever had and you find yourself struggling with letting go, or maybe its been the worst year of your life and you are desperate for a new beginning. Although there are many unknowns, one thing is for certain and that is that we have the ability and choice to clothe ourselves in an attitude of praise in spite of our circumstances.

Although a sense of excitement wells up within me every year as we approach midnight, I am reminded tonight that it's only a number. Jeremiah 29:11 "For I know the plans I have for you declares the Lord. Plans to prosper you and not to harm you, to give you a hope and a future."

As humans there is this innate desire to start over and grab the bull by its horns towards new possibilities but because the blood of Jesus was spilled out for us we can start over anytime. "By no means do I count myself an expert in all of this (life), but I’ve got my eye on the goal, where God is beckoning us onward—to Jesus. I’m off and running, and I’m not turning back. 

The difficulties of yesterday are gone, wiped clean, and the path is cleared ahead for Christ to lead us towards greatness. This year as we move from 2014 to 2015 I'm laying down the things from the past. I'm choosing to let go of the pain and struggles of 2014 so that my hands are empty and ready to receive the blessings and beauty of 2015. As yourself today this; "what will you gain when you lose?" I love that quote and the thought of how when we truly let go of the past God has so much planned for us to gain because our hands are open to receive them. 1 Corinthians  2:9 "No eye has seen, no ear has heard no mind can imagine the plans that God has for those who love Him."

"I myself go before you and will be with you. So do not be afraid; not not be discouraged. I, your loving Savior, am also infinite God! I am omnipresent: present everywhere at once. This makes it possible for Me to go ahead of you-opening up the way-without ever leaving your side. The promise of My presence is for all time. No matter where you go or what circumstances you encounter, I will be with you. This is the basis of your courage and confidence" Sarah Young.

Freedom through and through.....

The more transparent I long to be the deeper I find myself hiding. As I tirelessly work to remove the layers of protection one by one the more I realize the hardness and imprisonment of my heart beneath. Instead of using all those layers as protection and safety against the storms of life it's become evident my own form of shielding and protection has become the very thing that strangles my heart from moving, beating, circulating and feeling, my heart has become hardened.

As I peer across the room filled with beautiful women crying out to Jesus I can't help but see her radiance, as I watch her worship I see such raw pure abandonment, and total surrender and freedom. Ten minutes before I sat stiff in my chair not trying to move an inch as I sat listening to her story and the terrifying pain she has endured through years of physical, sexual and emotional abuse. After awhile I started to feel nauseous because although she has faced so much, much more sorrow than I could ever imagine, I realized in that moment she has found freedom  and joy and I am still a prisoner. I realized that through so much in life I still allow myself to carry around my bags of burdens. Although I have heard of His grace and the freedom we can find through Christ somewhere along the way I found myself picking back up my burdens and allowing myself to be a prisoner again to the enemy and his schemes.

You see I know Jesus, I met Him and fell in love with Him many years ago and over the years He has held me in times of sadness and sorrow and has celebrated with me in moments of victory, but instead of allowing Him to carry the burdens and hurts of my heart completely I have crept in at times and taken it back. But what I realized sitting in the sanctuary last night is that life has beaten me down over and over the past few years so much that unconsciously instead of allowing myself to be hurt and broken again and again I instead started building up walls of protection to shield my heart from the pain. Instead of allowing myself to be vulnerable and exposed I started wearing around this armor to protect myself instead of taking the chance of being hurt, and instead it left me empty and numb and my heart cut off from the nutrients and nourishment it needs. I allowed myself to no longer feel joy, hope and excitement for today because I told myself that maybe tomorrow things would be better. I was constantly living for tomorrow and in the process I missed so many today's. I often said to myself "maybe tomorrow I wont be sick anymore and can be a better wife, mom and friend? Or maybe tomorrow when God fixes all my weaknesses and insecurities then I will be able to be used to serve Him. Or maybe tomorrow when the past is so far behind me I will be worthy enough of being His beloved."

Last night as I sat in my chair in the sanctuary ticked off, broken, sad, and used up I decided I was tired of waiting for tomorrow!!! You see I decided that because the Son has set us free that we ARE FREE indeed (John 8:36). I decided that instead of waiting to be fixed tomorrow, that the power of Jesus wants to penetrate every layer of my hardened heart and infuse new life into my soul so that TODAY I WILL BE THE BEST. Today I will be the best wife, mom and friend and through Him TODAY I will be used for His glory and kingdom because He knows every chapter of my story, He knows the past, the present and has planned a beautiful future filled with hope and purpose.

Jesus, create in me a pure heart and renew a new spirit within me. Transform my heart, my mind, and my being. Thank You Jesus that Your mercies are new each morning and Your faithfulness is beyond sufficient for me each day. Help me to hold tight to Your promises and grace and allow myself to feel the rawness of each emotion. Help me to continue to remove the layers of protection I have built up around my heart so that only You remain. I love You Jesus and thank You that even in the midst of my brokenness that I AM Your beloved yesterday, tomorrow, but better yet TODAY!