"Off Limits"

When I started writing 3 years ago it was merely a way for me to process the things in my life. Something about writing and pouring my emotions and heart onto paper helped me sort through the details of my circumstances. With each post I wrote there became a new comfort and honesty unfold and I knew then that I may never write a bestselling book but I promised to be real and raw and be as transparent as possible to others, myself and God. I have shared posts about my health battles, my marriage, my daughter, my struggles and weaknesses and tried hard to be sensitive to the voice of God and be obedient to whatever direction He wanted me to share yes that is true EXCEPT that one area, that one place I have tucked deep down in my heart hidden from the world. I have said to God “use me God for Your glory, use my story as a testimony to Your goodness, I am Yours but don’t even think about asking me to uncover that one piece. No that piece of my journey isn’t for the world but only me, that area God is off limits.” Even this morning I let out a huge sigh when I felt God was asking me to write about this and I thought to myself “ugh are You sure God, can’t You pick something else.” Does this sound familiar to anyone? Those things that God wants to bring to light the enemy will continue to cover even deeper in the darkness of your heart. Instead of looking at that part of your story as a testimony to how far God has brought you and what He has brought you through you allow it to fester into shame, guilt and bitterness. Even when you think it doesn’t bother you anymore and it’s no big deal Satan knows how to dig his nails into that painful wound and pick and pick until the pain is unbearable once again. ‎"

When the Archenemy finds a weak place in the walls of our castles, he takes care where to plant his battering ram and begin his siege. You may conceal your infirmity, even from your dearest friend, but you will not conceal it from your worst Enemy. He has lynx eyes and detects in a moment the weak point in your armor. He goes about with a match, and though you may think you have covered all the gunpowder of your heart, he knows how to find a crack to put his match through. Much mischief will he do, unless eternal mercy prevents." Charles Spurgeon

I read a devotional this morning that was a reminder to me about some of those very areas that many people are facing, those areas they keep tucked away and hidden. 

“An Apology”

By: Stephanie Clayton

"For freedom Christ has set us free; stand firm therefore, and do not submit again to a yoke of slavery." Galatians 5:1 (ESV)

Numb to the pain, I sat in my counselor's office to talk about the rape that occurred 10 years prior. I wanted to share what happened but the words would not come. Even if they did, would I feel better? I hoped so, but doubted the process. This part of my life had been hidden for 10 years; surely another 10 wouldn't hurt, right?

Although I wanted desperately to run, I desired freedom more than escape.
Freedom from nightmares, uncontrollable mood swings, panic attacks, and the feeling of gasping for air. Freedom from unforgiveness. Hiding any longer from my pain would never help me move forward. So I stayed in counseling.


Uneasy, I described what happened. The sounds, sights, and smells returned as if it were yesterday. I was left wanting one thing.

An apology.


Couldn't someone say they were sorry for what happened? Not a shallow apology, but one that would restore meaning to my life. One that would somehow return my loss of innocence. Surely an apology from the man who raped me would make a difference, right?


After 10 years, I knew I wanted freedom from the unforgiveness that seemed to enslave me. But how was I supposed to forgive when he never said, "I'm sorry"? I spent a lot of time praying and studying how to move forward when bitter and angry. How to forgive when an apology never comes. Along that journey, I learned a few things.


First of all, for forgiveness to bring freedom, I had to offer it freely, with no strings attached. Not because the person who hurt me earned it, but because it's Christ's gift. If you are a Christian, no one's sin, not even your own, has the right to hold you captive. That means you are free to forgive.

You may not feel like forgiving, but that is where you ask for God's strength. Ask Him daily for help until you are able to offer forgiveness freely to yourself and others.


Second, I had to release my shame. Often when someone hurts us, we blame ourselves. If we had been a better person, done something differently, or spoken more assertively we could have avoided what happened. Right? Wrong! Pressing shame and blame upon ourselves is not conducive to freedom and healing. Galatians 5:1 says, "For freedom Christ has set us free; stand firm therefore, and do not submit again to a yoke of slavery."

Shame is a yoke of slavery. Instead of accepting shame, choose to stand firm in Jesus' love. Stand firm in His freedom that releases you from shame. Because of His sacrifice on the cross you are free!

Third, I had to keep walking forward. To move past your past you must walk through it to move beyond it. This might involve time and professional help ... but here's the freeing part: your past does not define you, Christ does!


I never received an apology from the man who raped me. But I've come to realize that even if he were to apologize it would not make up for the hurt he caused. His apology could not and would not set me free.
Freedom is not contingent upon receiving an apology from those who have hurt us. Instead, forgiveness leads to freedom and is possible because Christ's death on the cross set us free.

Maybe you too have experienced some kind of abuse whether it be physical, emotional or sexual. Maybe you have been through a painful divorce, affair, addiction, or other traumatizing event. Like the author regardless of whether it was 10 years ago or 10 days ago it’s just as painful, it’s just as real and it hurts. You may feel alone, damaged, ashamed and bitter and although I can’t understand what you are personally feeling I know the power of Jesus is bigger than any darkness or pain of this world. The enemy may try to keep your story hidden but Jesus can break the chains of your infirmity and use every single moment of your suffering for His glory and purpose. 

Dear Lord, thank You that Your death on the cross gives us all the strength we need to forgive those who have hurt us. Where there is unforgiveness, uproot it with grace. Allow Your mercy to fall on the burdened places of our hearts and minds and show us the areas we need to be set free. Thank You that Your grace, always has been, and will always be, enough. In Jesus' Name I Pray, Amen.

Freedom and Healing.....

As I stand with arms raised high and heart surrendered I notice the tears welling up within my eyes and slowly creeping down my cheeks. My palms start to sweat, my heart starts beating quicker, and tightness in my chest begins to form as an array of emotions creep in. It’s as if the wind has been knocked from me and I stand hit with the realization that I am blessed beyond human comprehension and my life has been spared.

Everything about my past and childhood outlines a very different manuscript and story for my life. Just the fact that I’m standing in church on Sunday, married to a man that isn’t abusive and not on drugs or in prison is a change from the status quot of the cycle that my  I could have easily followed. I have been through a tough battle with health complications but the most desperate places I have searched for healing hasn’t been physically but instead those hidden places in my heart that the world has damaged and scarred. At a young age I learned that you fought to survive. You fought with everything in you always putting on a tough girl attitude. There came a point in my life though where desperation to be free from conforming to the patterns of what was comfortable and normal rang loudly in my heart.  It was a white flag moment, the moment in my life where time seemed to stand still my body and mind ached for freedom and instead of fighting to survive I fought to let go and surrender. 

My heart echoed the words to a beautiful song, “we raise our white flag the war is over and love has come, Your love has WON.”  It was a moment that the love and power of Jesus broke every chain that the enemy tried to keep me entangled to. It was a moment that the destructive whispers and reminders of the past were quieted by the tender voice of Jesus. It was in that moment, that deep wounds on my heart were penetrated by the hope of Jesus and traded for promises of healing and redemption. 

See standing in the middle of a beautiful worship center today it hit me like a ton of bricks that my life was spared. The world had given me every reason like so many of you to be chained to unhealthy relationships, poverty, violence, addictions, and crime but Jesus protested on my behalf and said “I will not allow my precious daughter to walk that path.” When you raise your white flag you throw your arms up in the air in surrender, you let go of the struggle of doing it on your own and you welcome freedom with open arms. When choosing freedom you decide that the world can and will no longer have a hold on your life, on your dreams, on your passions, on your joy and you hand over each piece of your story to the strong and mighty hands of Jesus to deliver you. I have sat cowering in a corner filled with disgrace from the ugliness of my reality and choices but through Christ I was set free! Through Him we are MORE than conquerors. 

Today I was overcome with emotion because I realized there isn’t something that makes me special and set apart or more deserving than a prostitute or drug addict. I don’t hold a resume of a glamorous past or accomplishments but the very things that qualify me instead is the messiness, the pain, the scars, the chaos and dysfunction. The only thing that separates me today is that Jesus saved me and spared my life because I could be sitting on the streets, broken, hurting and a prisoner to the enemy instead of free, saved and redeemed. We look around so often at the pain of the world and it’s dysfunction like “poor them” but really we should be saying “lucky me I am blessed.”

"You, with all your faults and imperfections; you, with your defects and failures; you, with your hang-ups and emotional scars; you, with your weaknesses and your defeats; you, with all of your blunders, brokenness, and floundering: you are God's beloved, God's favored, the disciple whose name God calls, the one Jesus prefers to hang with, eat with, play with, talk with, cry with, and laugh with. You are the one whom the holy God of heaven and earth longs to spend time with. You are all of this and more. You always have been. And you always will be." Mike Yaconelli 

I keep thinking “thank You Jesus, thank You because I didn’t deserve to have a life so blessed and with a happy ending but because of His grace I don’t have to follow the story that the enemy had for me but instead will fight against the odds because Jesus is my defender and shield. Romans 8:37 “Yet amid all these things we are more than conquerors and gain a surpassing victory through Him who loved us.” It’s not enough just to break the chains and get by but to surpass our captivity and have a story redeemed by power and beauty. 

“In death and life I’m confident and covered by the power of Your great love

My debt is paid there’s nothing that can separate my heart from Your great love”

-One Thing Remains- Kristian Stanfill-