Loved In Spite of My Emptiness....

With every square inch of my body crying out from exhaustion and my mind in a fog like a spring morning blanketed with dew, I sit trying to make sense of my circumstances. My heart is overjoyed and bursting at the seams by the beauty of my reality but trying to make my heart and feelings synch up I can’t seem to figure it out. When my daughter Macie was born 8 years ago it was the most scary, beautiful, unexpected season of my life. I knew what love was but the moment she was born there was this whole new depth to love that I can’t even put into words far easy enough for human comprehension. As the weeks passed and I watched this miracle, my daughter, grow and change it was overwhelming……..and exhausting. 

After a few months the mommy adrenaline wore off and the sleepless nights and 5 a.m. feedings became hard. I felt like I was giving every single piece of me that I had to give emotionally, and physically and she was just an infant so she couldn’t walk or talk yet and after a while it was as if I was pouring myself into her but she couldn’t give anything in return. She couldn’t say thank you or hug me and tell me she loved me, she couldn’t actively participate in this mother daughter relationship and I found myself becoming drained. I found myself giving and giving and giving and although I was exhausted she needed me more than anything in this world to nurture her, to love her and to supply her with basic needs of life without ever giving back anything in return but her existence. 

Now any other relationship on this earth if you gave of yourself sacrificially day after day until you were depleted physically and emotionally and that person never reciprocated that love it would be hard to continue that relationship, however today as I sit curled up in my blanket with my mind once again in a fog and my body completely exhausted I am reminded of that relationship with my daughter as a newborn and I see the overwhelming love I still had for her and I feel like right now it has become apparent to me how Christ must feel as my father. 

Due to my circumstances right now I can’t do big things for Christ, I am worn out and just living each day as He continues to nurture and love me, as He continues to hold me in His arms and cup my tired and weary head in His hands. Even in the moments where I feel I don’t have much to give He still loves me, He still looks at His death on the cross a tortuous, painful death and sees my worth through it. Even when I feel empty He grabs ahold of my human strength and infuses it with His supernatural power. As Macie has grown I love spending time with her. I love our talks and her laughter, I love playing together and going and doing things but what I love most is just that she is my daughter. Regardless of how inadequate the enemy may tell me or you right now the truth is that Christ loves nothing more than being our Abba, our Father and there is nothing in this world that can separate us from that unconditional love.

Zephaniah 3:17
“The Lord your God is with you, he is mighty to save. He will take great delight in you, he will quiet you with his love, he will rejoice over you with singing.” (NIV)

 Jesus, Thank You for loving me. Not because of what I do or my human capabilities but because of my brokenness and emptiness, because of only who I am as Your daughter. Help me to rest in Your presence and feel that love based on who You say I am and nothing else. I trust in this season of life Lord and claim the hope that can be found in You. Amen