My Special Butterfly

As the sun peaks warmly through the window my eyes catch the beautiful butterfly fluttering rhythmically. It's not just any ordinary butterfly but my very own special butterfly, a reminder of a trying battle and unfinished journey. As I smile to myself I see the Lords way of waking up that forgotten place in my heart. See this yellow butterfly with purple wings doesn't flee in the winter but gets it source of life from the sun, a solar powered butterfly. It was a gift from my sister in law Amanda when I first got home from the hospital after surgery.

At the time I was couch bound (like bed bound but on a black leather couch instead) and so I placed the cute little solar powered butterfly on the window sill in my living room directly at my view at all times. Although it may seem so little and insignificant my sister in law has no idea the source of strength and hope that butterfly has given me over the months. As I think back to a time so difficult that literally I longed to just sleep life away instead of feeling the physical and emotional pain of each day I would stare at that little butterfly and as the sun came up in the morning it would flutter its wings and sway back and forth and each night as the sun went down it would stop. It was almost like my own personalized clock to tell me each morning "rise and shine it's time to fight" and through the nursing visits and painful dressing changes I would stare up at that little butterfly threw tears, and each night as the sun disappeared so did the motion of the purple and yellow wings of my butterfly as if it was now saying "you can rest now the fight is over for another day." So many days passed and I watched it sway gently back and forth in the morning and stop still and peaceful at night almost as a medal for another day fought.

It's no secret that over the past month or so especially I have been extremely frustrated and discouraged with this journey we have been traveling down for so many months. Because I decided over the past few days that enough was enough and that I would no longer allow the enemy to claim my joy, my hope, my future and my source of strength through Jesus and that regardless of whether I prayed the same prayer for the next 40 years and nothing happened I wasn't giving up until the Lord moved. So in an attempt at seeking closeness with Jesus today I sat down to read a book and noticed the sun blazing through the window and as I looked up my eyes caught those little wings just a moving back and forth, back and forth, back and forth and my eyes overflowed with tears as my mind and heart burst with peace.

You see for song long I held tight to that little butterfly through so many difficulties and I realized today I don't cling to as a lifeline anymore that the Lord has brought me to a place where I am walking in His strength each day and He wants to show me that like that butterfly keeps on going so does His love, compassion and mercies for me. "Never will I leave You nor forsake you my child" Hebrews 13:5. "Those who hope in the Lord He WILL renew their strength, they will soar high above wings like Eagles they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not faint"  Isaiah 40:31. Today the Lord wanted to remind me of His faithfulness and the path in our journey that we have already conquered and the road yet to come. "The Lord is my strength and my portion and in Him I will put my trust."

"I will not only go before you in this journey and make it possible-I will also go with you." Margaret Feinberg

"Accept each day just as it comes to you, remembering that I am sovereign over your life. Rejoice in this day that I have made, trusting that I am abundantly present in it. Instead of regretting or resenting the way things are, thank Me in all circumstances. Trust Me and don’t be fearful; thank Me and rest in My sovereignty." Sara Young

Loved In Spite of My Emptiness....

With every square inch of my body crying out from exhaustion and my mind in a fog like a spring morning blanketed with dew, I sit trying to make sense of my circumstances. My heart is overjoyed and bursting at the seams by the beauty of my reality but trying to make my heart and feelings synch up I can’t seem to figure it out. When my daughter Macie was born 8 years ago it was the most scary, beautiful, unexpected season of my life. I knew what love was but the moment she was born there was this whole new depth to love that I can’t even put into words far easy enough for human comprehension. As the weeks passed and I watched this miracle, my daughter, grow and change it was overwhelming……..and exhausting. 

After a few months the mommy adrenaline wore off and the sleepless nights and 5 a.m. feedings became hard. I felt like I was giving every single piece of me that I had to give emotionally, and physically and she was just an infant so she couldn’t walk or talk yet and after a while it was as if I was pouring myself into her but she couldn’t give anything in return. She couldn’t say thank you or hug me and tell me she loved me, she couldn’t actively participate in this mother daughter relationship and I found myself becoming drained. I found myself giving and giving and giving and although I was exhausted she needed me more than anything in this world to nurture her, to love her and to supply her with basic needs of life without ever giving back anything in return but her existence. 

Now any other relationship on this earth if you gave of yourself sacrificially day after day until you were depleted physically and emotionally and that person never reciprocated that love it would be hard to continue that relationship, however today as I sit curled up in my blanket with my mind once again in a fog and my body completely exhausted I am reminded of that relationship with my daughter as a newborn and I see the overwhelming love I still had for her and I feel like right now it has become apparent to me how Christ must feel as my father. 

Due to my circumstances right now I can’t do big things for Christ, I am worn out and just living each day as He continues to nurture and love me, as He continues to hold me in His arms and cup my tired and weary head in His hands. Even in the moments where I feel I don’t have much to give He still loves me, He still looks at His death on the cross a tortuous, painful death and sees my worth through it. Even when I feel empty He grabs ahold of my human strength and infuses it with His supernatural power. As Macie has grown I love spending time with her. I love our talks and her laughter, I love playing together and going and doing things but what I love most is just that she is my daughter. Regardless of how inadequate the enemy may tell me or you right now the truth is that Christ loves nothing more than being our Abba, our Father and there is nothing in this world that can separate us from that unconditional love.

Zephaniah 3:17
“The Lord your God is with you, he is mighty to save. He will take great delight in you, he will quiet you with his love, he will rejoice over you with singing.” (NIV)

 Jesus, Thank You for loving me. Not because of what I do or my human capabilities but because of my brokenness and emptiness, because of only who I am as Your daughter. Help me to rest in Your presence and feel that love based on who You say I am and nothing else. I trust in this season of life Lord and claim the hope that can be found in You. Amen