49......

As I kissed and hugged my husband goodbye and then walked the long hall through vaulted corridors and rows and rows of white coats the fear set in. After what seemed like hours but knowing in my head it had only been a few minutes we stopped in front of a large surgical suite at the very end of the hall and over top of the door was the number 49. The tears that I had managed to so neatly keep locked up from deep inside started to creep out and an even greater fear set in. Over those next 10 minutes as I waited to be taken in there was an intense battle between allowing the enemy to get a foothold in and cause overwhelming fear and panic and the complete surrender to Christ and peace that He could bring. As they moved me in to room 49 I couldn't help notice shiny instruments laid out on the tables everywhere. Everyone was so busy and focused on the 10 hour surgery ahead and concentrating on all the details of the tasks at hand. Somewhere in the chaos though I wanted to shout my fears, I wanted them to know I had a husband who loves music, and a 7 year old daughter who lights up my life. I wanted them to know about my love for butterflies, my favorite Bible verse and the many people in my life who were anxiously awaiting results of the day. I wanted them to see the magnitude of the surgery through my eyes somehow. For them it's one of the many cases they will do that day, week, and year but for me it was that very moment in room 49 that would change my life forever.

The days ahead would prove to be difficult. The pain was more excruciating than I ever imagined it would be. I knew going in that it was going to be a big surgery but I had never seen so many tubes, drains, and monitors before and it was all very overwhelming. After a series of complications the doctors talked to us about the journey ahead and the healing process we would have to endure. My heart tried to be thankful that I was alive and that the surgery was done but my exhausted human body cried for the devastating news of what was ahead. Before surgery there were a million fears that would pop up but regardless I knew with confidence that the Lord would handle them on my behalf with victory and faithfulness. However my biggest fear of all was that we would have trouble with healing at the incision, I felt confident I could handle anything else that popped up but please not that complication. Well a few days after surgery that lurking fear was a reality. As I set myself mentally up for frequent dressing changes I knew it was going to be a battle that only the Lord could win through me. As I sobbed uncontrollably from the pain during one particular dressing change I remember thinking to myself "I can't do this" I was exhausted and the pain was nauseating. The doctors were projecting 3 more months of this and I just couldn't do it. But right in that moment the Lord sustained me.

I started thinking back to the months prior when I was able to sit on the sidelines of Macie's softball games. Our team is made up of 1st graders mostly and its been such a blessing because they have been together on the same team for the past 3 years since they started t-ball. To see each of them grow as people and ball players has been neat. Even since the beginning of this season they have gotten so much better at catching and hitting. As I sat on the sidelines while our team played the field and the other team was up to bat I would hear tink......tink......tink as batter after batter would get up to the plate and hit it for a single. But every once in a while one of the girls would get a hold of it and drive it hard out to the field. In that moment our girls would have to decide how to react to the drive hit our way. This is a lot like life and something I have realized even more so these past few months. Curve balls are constantly being hit our way through trials and storms and we have to be ready to react. We can allow the ball to roll past us or we can choose to step in and grab a hold of it and use that moment to make a play and take something away from it. We can in that moment allow the enemy to try and make a play against us and defeat us or we can choose to fight back and find victory through the challenge.

 We still have a long, challenging road ahead but what I am learning is that before we started down this road the Lord made me a promise. The Lord promised that if He leads us to a path and asks us to travel down it then He will be faithful and sustain us each step of the way. There have been so many moments where I didn't know how we were going to get through it and there have been times where I was so exhausted that it seemed impossible to see the end in sight but in those moments He has sustained us. The enemy has tried to hit curve balls our way to defeat us and throw us off but instead of being defeated we have chosen to react and fight back. It's not easy and there are moments where I need reminded and the enemy tries to step in and cause doubt and negativity but I am truly amazed at the strength God has given me to push through. I know I shouldn't be surprised because God promised from the beginning of this journey that He would sustain me with His supernatural strength and glory and because Jesus died on the cross I can count on His faithfulness and claim it as victory before, see it as truth during and celebrate like crazy after!!!!!!!!  

"The LORD is my strength and my shield; my heart trusts in him, and he helps me. My heart leaps for joy, and with my song I praise him." Psalm 28:7