Holding on....

With tear stained cheeks, scratched knees, calloused hands and bleeding fingers I picture a frail woman desperately crawling through the muck and the mud to reach Him. Her body in agony from the debilitating disease she has battled for 12 years but even more discouraging than that is the wounded cries of her heart, the isolation, and unanswered prayers.  Her mind is swimming with confusion and frustrations and the only fuel pushing her past exhaustion is the desperation for something different, anything other than the prison she has physically and emotionally been held captive too. A record player keeps playing the words "why me" over and over in her mind. The barrage of emotions change from day to do and minute by minute. Just when she thinks she has found a breakthrough a curve-ball is thrown and the wind knocked straight from her sails. There have been moments of frustration, anger, sadness, and fear which have cycled countless times. My heart breaks for this woman but I get it also because..... I am that woman. 

After 20 years of fighting this incurable disease and watching it take a toll physically and emotionally I have come to that point of desperation. I have asked the questions "why me" I have cried and grieved the dreams I have had to give up, the moments I have missed with my family and a life very different than what I imagined. As I lay my head on the bedside table in a small infusion clinic room praying the solution running through my veins will fix the clotted off iv line which sustains my life each day I wonder "how in the world did I get here." For so long I have just kept crawling through the dirt in search of Him that it doesn't even seem real anymore. Its become so normal for our family that at times I think we have detached ourselves from the reality that this is not "normal." 

Last week was difficult for me especially, I reached a point where I just felt done, empty, poured out and used up. I felt like I had done everything I could to keep crawling through the trenches but no matter how muddy I got I never saw a finish line ahead. Like a mirage in a dry and desolate desert I see wholeness ahead but I can't seem to reach it. I wonder "what am I doing wrong, what are you trying to show me that I just can't seem to get?" In the midst of my questions I hear His voice saying "my precious daughter you haven't done anything to deserve this pain and my heart breaks for you. I catch the very tears that fall from your eyes and weep when you weep but that's just it, I never intended for you to bear this burden. I never intended the heartache to become "normal" and instead of trying to fight for wholeness I want you to let go in the midst of your brokenness and allow me to restore you." Luke 8: He said to her, Daughter, your faith (your confidence and trust in Me) has made you well! Go (enter) into peace (untroubled, undisturbed well-being)."

See for so long I have tried to keep going in the midst of the heartache but Jesus died on the cross for me so that I could be free in Him, not stuck in the bondage of my circumstances. He doesn't want me to become ok with the pain and to deal with it but to desperately cry out for change. He doesn't want me to keep crawling through the trenches but to instead take His hand, cry out and say to the enemy "this is not ok, God has so much more for me than just surviving." 

The lady from Luke with the bleeding could have just survived, she could have detached herself and allowed the pain to be her "normal" she could have thrown up her hands and said "doctors can't help me this is just the way it is." Instead she said "I will not settle for this, I will not be ok with a life less than what God has promised me and that is a life of freedom, blessings, joy, and hope. During this time it was unheard of for a woman to present herself before the people and rulers let alone a woman who was considered "unclean and tainted" because of her infirmities. She could have been killed, ridiculed, or even ignored but she was willing to risk it all, she was desperate for change. Worn out and tired she pushed on, she didn't take no for an answer, she didn't become ok with the pain but she fought tirelessly stopping at nothing less than complete healing and restoration. Today my heart is moved by this story and I'm reminded that when I have no answers, Doctors have no treatments, Medications can't fix the problem and I'm worn out that He has not forgot about me, He is still there, He is still powerful and He can still restore all of the things that have been lost. The dreams I have let go of the memories I have missed out on and the pain I have suffered will not go unused. He can dream even bigger dreams than I could ever plan for myself and make more memories possible that far outweigh those I have missed out on."I know who goes before me, I know who stands behind. The God of angel armies is ALWAYS by my side. The one who reigns forever he is a friend of mine, the God of angel armies is ALWAYS by my side. Nothing formed against me shall stand, You hold the whole world in Your hands. I'm holding on to the Your promises. YOU ARE FAITHFUL, JESUS SO FAITHFUL!"