Father's Day for the Fatherless

"A Father has enormous power. About this, he has no choice. For good or bad, by his presence or absence, action or inaction, whether abusive or nurturing, the fact remains; a Father is one of the most powerful beings on the face of the earth." Ken Canfield

Unless you live under a rock I'm sure you have seen the constant barrage of Father's Day Announcements, sale ads, or reminders. From Bbqs to golf equipment, greeting cards to tools, there is no shortage of gift ideas to express your love and appreciation on Father's Day. For me, Fathers Day is always a bittersweet day each year. I circled and highlighted that special day in my calendar this year but as it approaches I find myself experiencing a whole range of emotions from excitement to sadness. You see that bittersweet feeling I mentioned comes from a place of celebration but also pain. That bitter hurt is because I haven't seen my own father for the last 18 years. When I was 10 my parents were divorced. My father an alcoholic struggled my entire life with his addiction and was in and out of our lives for the next 7-8 years following my parents divorce. I remember the last visit I had with my dad, I was 18 and my sisters and I were so excited to visit him because he had just moved into a new place. We spent the day shopping for things for his house and went grocery shopping filling the carts with junk food and all the ingredients necessary so I could make a nice steak dinner for the 4 of us. We had the best time, we laughed and played but then when night came my dad decided to walk to the bar and drink. That was the last visit I remember with my dad. Its been 18 years since that day and on most days I don't think much about it, but on the big days & milestones in life it's hard not to think about him. The day I married my husband my dad wasn't there to walk me down the aisle. The day my daughter was born my dad wasn't there to meet his grandaughter and has still never met her. I've come to realize over time thought that is not even him I miss anymore but the idea of having a father in my life and yet being reminded that mine isn't that father I imagine or even need.

Now the sweet and beautiful part comes in because the Father I get to witness my husband Scott be to our daughter is absolutely amazing. That's one of my most favorite characteristics of Scott. He works hard to provide for his family yet he still finds time to be invested in Macie's life. He cares about her fears, hopes, dreams and struggles. He instills discipline and hard work and models that each day. He helps to nurture her intelligence and pursue her ambitions. He really cares about her future and helps her to prepare for it now so that someday it will be bright and fruitful. Most of all I see the love that he has for her. A love that is patient, kind, does not envy nor boast. It is not proud, he works hard to honor her and not be selfish or angered easily and in the process he keeps no record of her wrongs. He loves with truth and protects, hopes and perseveres no matter what life throws our way. 

“Love endures with patience and serenity, love is kind and thoughtful, and is not jealous or envious; love does not brag and is not proud or arrogant. It is not rude; it is not self-seeking, it is not provoked [nor overly sensitive and easily angered]; it does not take into account a wrong endured. It does not rejoice at injustice, but rejoices with the truth [when right and truth prevail]. Love bears all things [regardless of what comes], believes all things [looking for the best in each one], hopes all things [remaining steadfast during difficult times], endures all things [without weakening].”

‭‭1 CORINTHIANS‬ ‭13:4-7‬ ‭AMP‬‬

When I first became a follower of Jesus people would talk about Christ as being our heavenly father, but for me I didn't understand right away. "My earthly father abandoned me and let me down over and over and yet your saying my heavenly father never will?" It took me many years to realize that regardless of the way my earthy father had disappointed me and hurt me that my heavenly father never would! As Father's Day approaches maybe your super excited to celebrate your earthly father. Maybe your celebrating a father-in-law or a spouse. Or maybe seeing that day circled on your calendar this week brings sadness or pain because you have lost your father due to death or an experience like mine. Regardless of whichever emotion you are feeling still give yourself permission to feel those feelings. If it's pain and sadness your feeling then allow yourself the grace to grieve that loss, and if it's joy your feeling then allow yourself to burst at the seems in celebration. Be reminded though that through Jesus we can have hope. Through Jesus we can have joy and through Jesus He can redeem all things. Because of Him I never have to experience a Fatherless Father's Day ever again!

His Voice

"The days are long but the years are short." I heard this quote on a movie I started watching today. I started thinking back to the 3 am bottle feedings and the sleepless nights that seems like yesterday, and now Macie is 13. The exhaustion is still very real but its now from running back and forth to one activity or another. I used to think it would get easier as she grew older and then I realized its still chaos but just a different type and season of chaos. I was thinking back to the playdates we used to go to when Macie was a toddler and it never failed someone would always loose their binkie or take a toddler tumble and each time the tot would start crying the moms would all get quiet and get that look on their faces, then only after a moment had passed one of the moms would recognize that it was her child crying.

It's amazing how good parents get at recognizing the sound of their child's voice. At this season of my life I no longer find myself trying to decipher toddler cries at a playdate but it doesn't matter how noisy the gym is during a basketball game or how crowded a store is at the mall, when Macie yells out "Mom" I immediately recognize my child's voice. In our close relationships it's amazing how much we pick up on the other persons voice, the tone and demeanor. If I'm upset about something, Scott immediately knows by the tone in my voice. If Macie has done something to break the "rules" she can immediately tell by my voice. I know you all can relate to what I'm saying whether it be with your spouse, children, friends, co-workers or even pet, but what about when it comes to God's voice? 

There have been times in my life where I felt like I couldn't hear from God. I begged Him to respond and cried out for answers but I felt like He was silent. There were even times when I questioned if God was still there. But if I'm being honest in the times where I struggled to hear Gods voice I had been so distant in my relationship with Him that if He had spoken to me would I have even been able to recognize HIs voice? When I was able to recognize Macie's cry as a toddler it wasn't because the moment she was born a magic genie in a bottle said "poof" and then I was able to decipher her cries, no it took spending so much time with her and learning what her cry sounded like and what each cry meant and why. When we invest our time into reading our Bible and spending time with Him we learn to decipher HIs voice. We learn the tone of HIs voice and the language that He uses to speak to us so that regardless of how many distractions there are around us in life when we call upon Him we can expect an answer and be ready and able to really hear it. 

“The voice of the Lord is over the waters; the God of glory thunders, the Lord thunders over the mighty waters. The voice of the Lord is powerful; the voice of the Lord is majestic. The voice of the Lord breaks the cedars; the Lord breaks in pieces the cedars of Lebanon. He makes Lebanon leap like a calf, Sirion like a young wild ox. The voice of the Lord strikes with flashes of lightning. The voice of the Lord shakes the desert; the Lord shakes the Desert of Kadesh. The voice of the Lord twists the oaks and strips the forests bare. And in his temple all cry, “Glory!””
‭‭Psalm‬ ‭29:3-9‬

It is good........

It is good........

Have you ever had a picture hanging on your wall and regardless of how many times you tweak it, it always seems to be higher on one side or lower on the other side. Every time you walk through the room you slightly raise one corner this way and the other that way and you step back and think for a few minutes it's fixed. However, once again as you walk away and glance back over your shoulder you find it's still not perfect. It drives you crazy and annoys you, it grabs your attention whenever you are near. You feel like its a losing battle, it's exhausting and so instead of just being content with the slightest imperfection of its alignment you revisit and fix it again and again.

You tell yourself, ok, that's good, that's enough, it's finished. But honestly the enemy says otherwise, he interjects in those moments where your heart tries to be content and says "it could always be better, you can always do more and the work is never finished." As I lay in my bed at night the imperfections of my day ring loudly in my ears, I struggle with believing that it really is ok, that it's good and enough. I think of all the ways I have fallen short, I start beating myself up and wondering why can't I just do it right for once. Whether it be a task I'm working on currently, my job as a wife, mom, or friend, even just my ability to handle the circumstances thrown my way for the day it's obvious I could have done better.

Does this sound familiar, do you too struggle with this tug of war battle? We can often be our own worst enemy. We place these unrealistic expectations over our lives and continually tear overselves down when we don't reach them. After talking with a friend last week she challeneged me that each night as I lay my head down on my pillow to really try and be content with my day, to look back over the events that had unfolded and to say "it is good." As we read in Genesis God created the heavens and the earth, the birds and the trees and at the end of each day He said "it is good." He never said, "it's ok I guess but I really should have.........."but He said "it is good."  

Genesis 1:31 (AMP) "And God saw everything that He had made, and behold, it was very good (suitable, pleasant) and He approved it completely." 

I love this translation of Genesis 1:31 because it not only says "it is good" but he said that "He approved it COMPLETELY." He had not one ounce of discontent but was COMPLETELY satisfied. Each day it is our responsibility to live to the fullest, submitting each moment, task and opportunity to the Lord by putting our best effort into all of them, that's it, that's enough and that's ok. It may not always turn out how we had hoped but continuing to beat ourselves up is from the enemy, it's placing this unrealistic expectation over ourselves.

As we read on we find that once God was satisfied with His work He then rested. Genesis 2:2 "By the seventh day God had finished the work he had been doing; so on the seventh day he rested from all his work." 

There are moments where we must passionately peruse the tasks the Lord places before us for the Gospel but there are also moments where we need to allow ourselves to rest in His presence and be satisfied with sitting in His lap instead of tirelessly chasing perfection. God doesn't want perfection, He wants broken pieces placed at His feet with an expectant heart for His love and grace to consume us and fill us.

Matthew 11:28 "Come to me all who are burdened and I will give you rest."  

Over the past few weeks there have been things happen that are completely out of our control but yet I still wanted to take fault in them. I still wanted to take responsibility in fixing them and instead of just removing those standards from myself I felt angry that I couldn't just do something about them. I even denied myself the ability to be imperfect, to be broken, to be hurting. I was so badly chasing days 1-6 that I denied myself day 7, a day of rest, a day to melt in His arms and not worry about doing something but just being comforted by the comforter. The thoughts within my head said over and over "why can't you just get yourself together, why can't you fix it, this person would have handled it much better." Instead of reaching out my empty hands and allowing God to use the pieces that were left, instead of it being enough I kept trying to move the edges of the picture just slightly to fix it on my own. I allowed the unanswered parts of our circumstances to pick and nag at me, I struggled to gain control and to just get it right.

I don't know what your facing today, I don't know what responsibilities God has placed in your life but I do know that if your doing your best than it is ENOUGH. As you go to sleep each night, look back over your day and say to yourself proudly, knowing you did it with your entire heart "it is good." Allow your efforts to be approved completely by Him and on the days that you need it the most give yourself the grace to just......REST!

Jesus, we thank you that through You we are enough. We pray that each morning as we face the day that you would work in our efforts, work in our hearts and help us to give our very best and know that through Your eyes "it is good." We pray that in those times where our own expectations try to take over and the enemy tries to drag us down that we would be reminded that You are pleased and proud of us. We commit each effort to You daily God and believe in our hearts that our work is approved COMPLETELY through You. In those times Lord where our hearts are overwhelmed I pray that you would remind us to rest in Your safety and security. We love You Jesus and trust You with this battle today. Amen

Whats all the fuss about?

Whats all the fuss about?

“Out of the corner of my eye, as the soldiers led me away, I saw Pilate washing his hands. The last thing I heard as I was taken off to be beaten was, “Crucify Him.”

The cries of the crowd were charged, but the roman soldiers were just cold, calculated and cruel. They led me to a whipping post where I was stripped naked. Over and over they pounded instruments of torture against my flesh-cutting, tearing and ripping literal strips of skin off my back. Inner muscles and sinews were torn. That’s what happened when they scourged me by whips embedded with glass, nails and bone. 

Careful not to kill me, for I still had a cross to bear, they put aside their whips-but only to make an absolute mockery of me. The soldiers, out of sport and boredom, covered my raw, burning flesh with a scarlet robe and placed a crown made of prickly thorns into my scalp. I was in physical agony, but they had the time to kneel before my shaking body and spit upon me like I was some village idiot. “Hail, King of the Jews,” they sneered as my insides bled to the ground around me. If only they knew.

The physical break was short-lived. It was a time for me to carry my cross. I knew the burden was mine. I struggled with the weight of it for some time, but ultimately I fell to my knees. Another man had to help me finish the journey up to Golgotha.

When we got to the top of the hill, they offered me wine mixed with myrrh to dull my pain and my senses. There was still so much suffering ahead; they needed to make sure I was able to tolerate all of it. I refused. I needed to bear this pain. I needed to feel every excruciating moment.

 What they did next was the most horrible torture mankind had yet devised. Crucifixion was designed to kill by way of slow suffocation. As the arms and legs of most victims were bound, the upper body would lose its strength, eventually collapsing the weight of the body onto the lungs. But instead of letting my body collapse onto itself, they drove spikes through the bones of my wrists-adding extra support and extra time to my suffering. They nailed my feet into the cross so that I could stand longer.

 

As I hung there from my own limbs, I suffered the effects of any human body exposed to such trauma. The insufferable thirst of being hung in the sun fueled the fever brought on by the swelling of my wounds. Tetanus began to set in from the rusty nails, and the wounds from which I was hanging tore further as my body shook harder and harder.

Yet I never lost sight of my purpose on that cross. Even as the soldiers gambled my garments away while I hung there convulsing, even as they hung a mocking sign above me reading, “This is Jesus of Nazareth, the King of the Jews,” I still kept my character. On either side of me were true criminals-thieves being crucified for their crimes. One of them was defiant, mocking me, daring me to come down off my cross. How much I wanted to. The other criminal understood who I was. He asked if I would remember him when I came into my kingdom. Of course I would. He reminded me in my weakest hour, what I was there for. 

Then more hours passed as I, hung in agony, the sins of the world gnawing on every nerve in my flesh. It was not that I realized that even God the Father couldn’t look upon me. I cried, “My God, My God, why hast through forsaken m?” The people still there thought I was confused and filled a sponge with sour wine, pushing it up to my lips. 

As soon as the wine touched my lips, I knew the cup had passed. “IT IS FINISHED.” By David Nasser (Why Jesus?)

As Easter approaches it’s easy to get caught up in the hustle and bustle, the fuss of speckled eggs, jelly beans and the Easter Bunny. But as I think about the cracking of a leather whip being forcefully laid across Jesus back the significance of all that other “stuff” seems to not matter much. As a mother I can’t even wrap my mind around the thought of watching my own flesh and blood hanging on a cross for the sins, messiness and mistakes of complete strangers. We look at the soldiers who carried out the torturous plan that day in awe but forget that it’s really each and every one of us that holds the whip which tore across Jesus raw back because of our sins. The unconditional love that Jesus displayed is a reminder for us as He took each second of pain and only thought of us in His mind. As Easter approaches there is hope ignited within us as we remember the cost that a man paid willingly so that we could be free. The wages of sin are death but through the blood of Jesus we have been ransomed and will have eternal life!!! 

But He was wounded for our transgressions, He was bruised for our guilt and iniquities; the chastisement [needful to obtain] peace and well-being for us was upon Him, and with the stripes [that wounded] Him we are healed and made whole.

All we like sheep have gone astray, we have turned every one to his own way; and the Lord has made to light upon Him the guilt and iniquity of us all.

He was oppressed, [yet when] He was afflicted, He was submissive and opened not His mouth; like a lamb that is led to the slaughter, and as a sheep before her shearers is dumb, so He opened not His mouth.

By oppression and judgment He was taken away; and as for His generation, who among them considered that He was cut off out of the land of the living [stricken to His death] for the transgression of my [Isaiah’s] people, to whom the stroke was due?

And they assigned Him a grave with the wicked, and with a rich man in His death, although He had done no violence, neither was any deceit in His mouth.

Yet it was the will of the Lord to bruise Him; He has put Him to grief and made Him sick. When You andHe make His life an offering for sin [and He has risen from the dead, in time to come], He shall see His [spiritual] offspring, He shall prolong His days, and the will and pleasure of the Lord shall prosper in His hand.

He shall see [the fruit] of the travail of His soul and be satisfied; by His knowledge of Himself [which He possesses and imparts to others] shall My [uncompromisingly] righteous One, My Servant, justify many and make many righteous (upright and in right standing with God), for He shall bear their iniquities and their guilt [with the consequences, says the Lord]. Isaiah 53:5-11

As we celebrate Easter this year it is not about all the fuss that pierces our hearts but the hope that we have through Jesus. Even as Jesus hung on the cross in pain as the result of our own sins He still loved us more than we could ever imagine. Regardless of what you have done or where you have been you can rest assured that through His stripes…….“IT IS FINISHED!!!!”

Time.....

Time is such and interesting concept. In the eyes of Science they have it down to an exact measurement, but to our human minds and hearts it becomes a little more complicated, for sure. Thanks to Science we can measure an entire day by 24 hours, 1,440 minutes and 86,400 seconds. Even with so many uncertainties in life we can always rest assured that each day is the same, it starts with 1 and ends with 24 hours, 1,440 minutes and 86, 400 seconds. It all seems so simple and matter of fact doesn't it? Regardless of how concrete the measure of time is once we add all that human stuff, like emotions and feelings, it quickly becomes not so absolute.

My husbands Grandparents Ray and Esta were married for over 70 years,  and my Great Grandparents Earl and Bernice were married for 63 years. Both couples stood the test of time when it came to marriage. They both had been married for over 60 years and stayed true to their vows "until death us do part." to me trying to envision that period of time seems impossible, forever, crazy:) Maybe its because we have only been married for 14 years and we still have quite a ways to go. One day though I had a conversation with Grandma Cameron about her marriage and she told me "it felt like at some moments they were just married yesterday and it was hard for her to grasp it had been that many years."

When our daughter was born almost 13 years ago the c-section went quickly and within a matter of a couple minutes she was born. It blows my mind that in 2 minutes, or 120 mississippi's:) my life changed so dramatically and beautifully, and now as we prepare for her 13th Birthday I can't imagine our lives before her and all the 24 hours, 1,440 minutes, and 86,400 seconds we have shared together. Although time can be measured by Science its really the situation or circumstance that measures the length of those moments for us.

I have known friends who have been diagnosed with Cancer and upon hearing their diagnosis it was if time had completely stopped. We all are given the same amount of time each day, but I think the trials and triumphs have the ability to personalize how we measure time individually. Life has the ability each day to bring pain, sorrow, grief, joy, excitement, new life and death, and through ours own humanness we somehow let time jump forward, crawl backwards and there are even moments where time seems to altogether just stop.

When I had surgery 5 years ago I knew it would be a big moment in my life and my families lives, but instead of it being a trial in the past the impact it had on me literally made me feel as if time stopped. The world continued on around me and I tried living each day like everyone else but it was alot of pretending and still dragging the surgery junk into my new life that was evolving, I never wanted to accept how much that surgery still had kept me in bondage to it. "But most of all I didn't know how to travel light. "Odds are, I did this morning. Somewhere between the first step on the floor and the last step out the door you grabbed some luggage.You stepped over to the baggage carousel and loaded up. Don't remember doing so? That's because you did it without thinking. Don't remember seeing a baggage terminal? That's because you did it without thinking. Don't remember seeing a baggage terminal? That's because that carousel is not the one on the airport; its the one in the mind. And the bags we grab are not made of leather; they are made of burdens. The suitcase of guilt, a sack of discontentment. You drape a duffel bag of weariness on one shoulder and a hanging bag of grief on the other. Add on a backpack of doubt, an overnight bag of loneliness and a trunk of fear."  (Max Lucado"                        I never wanted to admit the pain and disappointment it brought and how all that pain broke me down physically, emotionally and spiritually. It was if I was paralyzed in my fear, so much so that my identity had been changed. It's almost impossible at times for me to really imagine my life before surgery and to know that I was ok, I was happy and living and my own person. I wasn't attached to fear or worry but I was just free.

"You're Shattered

Like You've Never Been Before

The Life You Knew

 A Thousand Pieces On the Floor

And Words Fall Short In Times Like These

When This World Drives You To Your Knees

You Think You're Never Gonna Get Back

To the You that Used to be"

Danny Gokey

See the person I was before the surgery is the person I long to be. I no longer want to life stuck in that fear and pain. Even if disappointment may still come I still want to try moving forward and leave the heartache behind, it has no place in my future so for now on it can be a mere memory. I know longer want to see my life since the surgery only or feel it like its always been there, i'm cutting the ropes and letting it go as I continue on, I no longer need to carry all that baggage of sorry and pain. It will be so much freer walking into my future without all that unnecessary bondage. Its time to move on and let the past be left in the past. I can still take away all the things God showed me and taught me along the way but it's time to use the pain and allow Him to Breathe New Life into it for good, it's time to use it in the future and say goodbye to the pain, its time to tell this heart to beat again!!!!!!!!!

 "Tell Your Heart To Beat Again

Close Your Eyes And Breathe It In

Let The Shadows Fall Away

Step Into The Light of Grace

Yesterday's A Closing Door

You Don't Have to Life There Anymore

Say Goodbye to Where You've Been

And Tell Your Heart to Beat Again......."

Danny Gokey

To all who mourn in Israel, he will give a crown of beauty for ashes, a joyous blessing instead of mourning, festive praise instead of despair. In their righteousness, they will be like great oaks that the LORD has planted for his own glory.

Abandoned to Your Will Jesus.....

Abandoned to Your Will Jesus.....

In the moments where the hurt cut so deeply the only salve to sooth my soul is Jesus. When the winds rage around me and my mind swarms with confusion I find myself pressing tightly against His chest and the tempo of my being flowing calmly to the melody of my Saviors heart. There are moments where my humanness wants to cower in a corner in fear and my heart tries to resist the troubled waters of my circumstances. At times I even feel like I want to run and fall apart but then in the midst of my broken desperation His strength rises up within me and the longing in my heart to glorify Him and become more like Jesus leaps forward. "Lord, I don't want to waver through unbelief regarding Your promises, but I desire to be strengthened in my faith and give glory to You, God, being fully persuaded that You have power to do what You promise" Romans 4:20-21. As difficult as our suffering in this life can be it's in those moments where our strength runs out, its in those moments where we feel like we have fought tirelessly that we realize the closeness we have found in Christ.

"I'll lift my empty hands come fill me up again. Have Your way my King, I'll lift my eyes again." Sidewalk Prophets

I love that verse in the song "Help Me Find It" because in those moments where we are so incredibly broken and all we can do is lift our empty hands, our hands that are ready to receive the blessings God has for us. "Be still and know that I am God" Psalm 46:10. In this life there are often moments that take us off guard, there are moments where we don't have the answers and we can't be in control but as we abandon ourselves before Christ "He is able to do immeasurably more than we could ever imagine" Ephesians 3:20

Right now I don't know what the future holds for my life and our family. I know we have a difficult battle ahead and so today I put my trust in Jesus the author and perfecter of my life. I cry out to Him and trust that through Him we are MORE than conquerors and although the battle wont be easy I know God will sustain us every second of the way because in His word He promises to "never leave us nor forsake us"  

"Lord, I pray that one day I will begin to consider my precious losses gains for the sake of Christ as You use my suffering, my life, and my testimony. Whatever was to my profit I now consider loss for the sake of Christ. What is more, I consider everything a loss compared to the surpassing greatness of knowing Christ Jesus my Lord, for whose sake I have lost all things. I want to gain You, Christ, and be found in You" Beth Moore.

"The cross that Jesus commands you and me to carry is the cross of submissive obedience to the will of God, even when His will includes suffering and hardship and things we don't want to do. It is a willingness to totally, absolutely, irrevocably, and finally yield our lives to Him because we want what He wants more than what we want." -Anne Graham Lotz

Choosing Hope and Greatness....

With my toes dangling slightly over the edge of the cliff a fear of the unknown below starts to creep in. Although the details of the next step are unknown the solid place in which I have been planted on for quiet some time now is coming to a close and it's time to move on. The path in which I have already traveled has had its fair shares of ups and downs but it's become a place of safety and contentment. Although part of me longs to stay in this very place for a little longer there is a hunger deep within and drive for something new, bold and adventurous. In 5 hours that giant leap towards the unknown will become a reality. We will no longer be able to stay in the safety of 20015 but instead be forced to step into the unknown of 2016. As the world counts down 5,4, 3, 2, 1 we will bid another year goodbye and say hello to new possibilities.

Today I was thinking about how right this very moment we are on the verge of possibly the greatest year of our lives, or again it could be one of the worst years of our lives, either way it's a mystery yet to be unlocked and unraveled. Maybe this year was the greatest year you have ever had and you find yourself struggling with letting go, or maybe its been the worst year of your life and you are desperate for a new beginning. Although there are many unknowns, one thing is for certain and that is that we have the ability and choice to clothe ourselves in an attitude of praise in spite of our circumstances. We have the choice now to start fresh and hope for greatness.

The difficulties of yesterday are gone, wiped clean, and the path is cleared ahead for Christ to lead us towards greatness. This year as we move from 2015 to 2016 I'm laying down the things from the past. I'm choosing to let go of the pain and struggles of 2015 so that my hands are empty and ready to receive the blessings and beauty of 2016. Askyourself today this; "what will you gain when you lose?" I love that quote and the thought of how when we truly let go of the past God has so much planned for us to gain because our hands are open to receive them. 1 Corinthians  2:9 "No eye has seen, no ear has heard no mind can imagine the plans that God has for those who love Him."

"I myself go before you and will be with you. So do not be afraid; not not be discouraged. I, your loving Savior, am also infinite God! I am omnipresent: present everywhere at once. This makes it possible for Me to go ahead of you-opening up the way-without ever leaving your side. The promise of My presence is for all time. No matter where you go or what circumstances you encounter, I will be with you. This is the basis of your courage and confidence" Sarah Young.

Choosing to love....

A few years ago I wrote a blog about my husband and the love encapsulated within in our marriage. I shared a very real and honest testimony of how marriage has been difficult for us and I can bet we aren’t alone. Life is difficult and when you have two imperfect humans brought together you double the mess and the hardships. It’s much easier to tackle the stressors of life with a teammate but it doesn’t divide the heartache that will come because there are two of you. It’s heartbreaking to see so many broken marriages, or marriages and relationships today that lack love and commitment. I’m not talking about that warm fuzzy feeling so many people call love because after a while the butterflies in your tummy that you had when you first met him or her will run out.
 
I love my husband but there are moments where I don’t like him so much, and vice versa. The idea of commitment I’m talking about is the decision to love the other person in a sacrificial selfless way. Love is a daily decision we make to remove the selfishness and love another more than our own plans, desires, or agenda. I always love the idea that “love is a decision and not just a feeling.” This is so true and one of the hardest things in life a lot of us I learn I think because there are moments when I don’t feel all warm and fuzzy inside in my marriage and I know my husband Scott would say the same thing. There have been moments where I wanted to scream and I have driven him to the edge many times also. It’s not just about this giddy romance that keeps us together it’s a daily decision that we made a commitment to God and each other that regardless of how tough life would get we would make the choice to tough it out together. Now that doesn’t mean every day is difficult and a struggle to just stay in my marriage without any of the good, warm fuzzy stuff because I love my husband but we have had our seasons as most couples. There are moments where I am madly in love and other times where life is difficult and its a battle.

I think most people have this idea in their heads about what a relationship entails whether it be a romantic relationship, a friendship, a work relationship, or a spiritual commitment and there is this idea that because there is a bond between the two then things will just magically fall into place and the fairytale will write a story that’s “happily ever after.” What people don’t realize though that yes this bond brought you together but there has to be a whole lot of blood, sweat, and tears to keep the relationship going. The sacrifice and choice I’m talking about isn’t just in marriages but is the foundation for any a relationship you have. Whether it be with a parent, a sibling, a aunt, uncle, friend, coworker, pastor, whatever the situation there is still this desperate need for sacrifice to show genuine care and concern for the other person. Sometimes its hard because we may have the best intentions but we have to realize it takes putting others first, above ourselves and saying regardless of how much they hurt me and how difficult it can be at times I will choose to love this person, not because I always like and agree with them but because I am putting aside my selfishness for the survival of our relationship.

Over the past few years I have had major health struggles and have been in the hospital for weeks and weeks at times and my husband has had to endure a lot because of it. I know there are marriages that wouldn’t have lasted dealing with the things we have, and I know there are a lot of guys who would have left a long time ago but my husband has continually showed me what love is about and how unconditional it is. Despite my illness and the burden that has been on him he still chooses to get up every day and love me and endure the pain with me. I think it’s easy when the going gets tough to give up and throw in the towel but love is about sticking it out and fighting for that person because you are desperate to have them apart of your life. When someone hurts you, disappoints you, persecutes you, it’s in that moment where you have the opportunity to love them . Love is done in a way that doesn’t expect anything in return but is about a sacrifice and saying…regardless of what happens I will choose to put others before me. Love isn’t about the feeling you get, but the ability you have to offer yourself to someone, emotionally and sacrificially to serve and love them. 1 Corinthians 13:7 (The message) Love never gives up. Love cares more for others than for self. Love doesn't want what it doesn't have. Love doesn't strut, Doesn't have a swelled head, Doesn't force itself on others, Isn't always "me first, Doesn't fly off the handle, Doesn't keep score of the sins of others,Doesn't revel when others grovel,Takes pleasure in the flowering of truth, Puts up with anything, Trust God always, Always looks for the best, Never looks back,But keeps going to the end

Battle Cry....

Each day I rise for battle, physically, emotionally and spiritually I dress for the enemies attack. Some days I know the battle will be exhausting and other days I boldly walk forward with confidence but it's never without testing. I doubt my ability to stand, there are moments I would rather seek shelter and hide. I have never done this before and wish I was better prepared but the enemy rings it's battle cry NOW. I often ask why me and what lead us here but that only drains the energy out if this moment and I instead I must focus on now. I feel guilty for questioning the battle and purpose of it all but seek peace to keep going. When doubt starts seeping into the vulnerable places of my heart I hold tight to grace and strength for each moment. Sometimes it infuses in like a calming breathe of fresh air and others a little piece of encouragement or kind word from a friend but either way another second passes, another step forward....victory.

Today I will choose joy for the steps we have taken and hope for where we are going. I will be proud of the battles we have won and press on with perseverance towards moments yet unseen. I refuse to give up, I proclaim my own battle cry, it's not finished yet.....so we press on.

So many thoughts, so many emotions.......Sometimes I feel like a hamster in a wheel, running as fast as it's little legs can go but not moving from the spot it's in. But then you stop and think about think about the choice to get on the wheel and actually run and realize it's gotta be meaningful. For me it's been FEAR that kept me for so long from even getting on the wheel. Fear of the unknown, it sounds silly because if it's an unknown road we are facing how do we associate fear with it because we don't know what's ahead so really it may just be fear of doing what we have always done. Fear in letting go....They say insanity is defined as "doing what you always did and expecting different results."

But you come to a point where the heaviness of each day is too much, the cycle of what's comfortable is actually miserable. Change is hard but the feeling of being stuck and in chains to misery is not living, not experiencing the abundance God has for us. You can focus on the the past or you can allow it to motivate and launch you into a new place in life, you can face the fear head on and look the tiger in the eye. It's scary but ultimately worth the fight.

Each day is a step forward and each moment a new opportunity to learn and grow. I want to be more like Jesus, I want my life to reflect joy, surrender, brokenness but ultimately RESTORATION !! I want my story to reflect His grace and my journey to mean something, there is always purpose in our pain. It doesn't mean the pain is ok and what we have been through always is fair but it means that God is powerful enough to use the junk for good. "He works all things together for my good!" Romans 8:28

Today I will celebrate being in the wheel and running as fast as my little legs can go, I will celebrate how far we have come and the joy and journey that's ahead. I will allow yesterday to motivate me to seek new heights today and to not be ok with where we were but hunger for where we are going.....so many thoughts, so many emotions, but really feeling, and I'm ok.....

More....

Each step brings a different awareness. One second your in agony and you think at the end of all human capability and strength. Then something deep inside thirsts for more, that thirst is so intense that the same cycle you have been in leaves you dissatisfied, unquenched. That thirst can remain or motivate you to seek higher levels of satisfaction. It gets boring staying the same, we realize in the monotony that we always were meant for more. There's always greatness to obtain in this life, there's always more beyond this moment and when that next milestone is achieved we push even more, we never give up and stay the same. This morning the thirst grew unquenchable, I longed for more. I prayed for my heart to be still but my god said "I have more for you!l so I pushed harder than before, I walked faster for awhile until He sparked a motivation deep inside I never believed I had in myself anymore and I started running..... I didn't run for long today but tomorrow is another story. It's gonna be hard for awhile just as walking was but I refuse to give up and I refuse to settle for anything but greatness because that's who God says I am. So tomorrow i will walk and then slowly run, for how long I don't know, but I will move forward either way.

The Great UNKNOWN

"You call me out upon the waters, the great UNKNOWN my feet may fail, and there I find YOU in the mystery in oceans deep, my FAITH WILL STAND!"

I started a journey two weeks ago, an UNKNOWN journey. Each step brings a different emotion and each emotion a deeper grasp of FAITH. I have cried, laughed, begged, pleaded, bartered, and traded the groaning of my guilt ridden heart for a badge of GRACE and FREEDOM. It hasn't been easy but in my weakest moments I have found Gods strength. As I sat in a pit of despair He whispered gently in my ear that I have been restored and He has washed away my iniquities. You see He didn't always carry me but I had to intentionally reach out through the mud and mess of my life and in my brokenness surrender and He has walked beside me each painful moment to victory.

It's a work in progress but what I have discovered along the way is a hunger and passion to know my HEALER and not just long for my HEALING.

"I will call upon YOUR name keep my eyes above the waves when oceans rise, my soul will REST in YOUR embrace, for I am YOURS and you are mine!"

The Many Faces of Motherhood

A mothers heart has such depth and dimension to it. Over the past few days I started thinking about the many different designs of motherhood that I know. As a newlywed couple 10 years ago we found out that I was pregnant with our daughter Macie. We weren't planning to have children for a few years at this point but God has other plans. When I met our daughter my my heart exploded and I fell in love. Then a few years later we decided to try and have another child so Macie could have a brother or sister. After struggling with lots of infertility treatments and procedures we were devastated because the dream of motherhood that I had dreamed for my life was looking very different.  It was then that I started to understand the heart of a mother and the many different facets they took on. Over the past few years I have watched both of my sisters become step mothers and now biological mothers. The heart of a mother has such depth and dimension to it because it allows us to be selfless, caring, compassionate, it allows us to be courageous and to fight for our kids, dream for our kids, laugh with our kids and cry with our kids. I have watched my sisters nurture and love their stepsons in the very same way that I do with my daughter who is my biological child. I watch my sisters give of themselves selflessly to their stepsons, they hope with them, dream with them, pray with them, cry with them and triumph with them.I know Mother's who have adopted children and the love that they have for them is as instant and unconditional as the love I have for my child. The heart of a mother is about being selfless day in and day out and choosing to put someone else before themselves. The heart of a mother isn't learned but just exists. There are women who struggle with infertility and the way that they approach treatments and confusing diagnosis exemplifies their mothers heart already to keep pressing on and put their dream of motherhood first. For our lives the idea of motherhood took on a very different meaning than we ever thought but I couldn't imagine any other way. Maybe motherhood looks different for you than you thought it would like? But one thing is for certain, the Lord created within us the most sensitive hearts to equip us to have hearts like a mother.

From my friend Aleisha Rust:

Happy Mother's day - 

To the mama's with full hearts. To the mama's with broken hearts. To the fur mama's. The didn't know you would ever be mama's and the mama's that long to be. To my girlfriends, my Aunts, my Grandmother's, my Mom in love and most of all my own mama. YOU are kind. You are fearless. YOU ARE...important.

Mother's day originated as a day of remembrance for those that have lost babies. On this day I am thankful not only for my 4 here with me, but I am grateful to my 4 with wings I have yet to hold in my arms. This day can be heavy for some and I want you to know, today we celebrate YOU. 

You are amazing. You are kind and you are loved. Happy mother's day heart emoticon

RWOE(RandomWords of Encouragement) Day 2015

https://www.facebook.com/events/1570709636507882/?notif_t=plan_user_joined

"What will you gain when you lose?"

With my toes dangling slightly over the edge of the cliff a fear of the unknown below starts to creep in. Although the details of the next step are unknown the solid place in which I have been planted on for quiet some time now is coming to a close and it's time to move on. The path in which I have already traveled has had its fair shares of ups and downs but it's become a place of safety and contentment. Although part of me longs to stay in this very place for a little longer there is a hunger deep within and drive for something new, bold and adventurous. In 5 hours that giant leap towards the unknown will become a reality. We will no longer be able to stay in the safety of 2014 but instead be forced to step into the unknown of 2015. As the world counts down 10, 9, 8, 7, 6, 5, 4, 3, 2, 1 we will bid another year goodbye and say hello to new possibilities.

Today I was thinking about how right this very moment we are on the verge of possibly the greatest year of our lives, or again it could be one of the worst years of our lives, either way it's a mystery yet to be unlocked and unraveled. Maybe this year was the greatest year you have ever had and you find yourself struggling with letting go, or maybe its been the worst year of your life and you are desperate for a new beginning. Although there are many unknowns, one thing is for certain and that is that we have the ability and choice to clothe ourselves in an attitude of praise in spite of our circumstances.

Although a sense of excitement wells up within me every year as we approach midnight, I am reminded tonight that it's only a number. Jeremiah 29:11 "For I know the plans I have for you declares the Lord. Plans to prosper you and not to harm you, to give you a hope and a future."

As humans there is this innate desire to start over and grab the bull by its horns towards new possibilities but because the blood of Jesus was spilled out for us we can start over anytime. "By no means do I count myself an expert in all of this (life), but I’ve got my eye on the goal, where God is beckoning us onward—to Jesus. I’m off and running, and I’m not turning back. 

The difficulties of yesterday are gone, wiped clean, and the path is cleared ahead for Christ to lead us towards greatness. This year as we move from 2014 to 2015 I'm laying down the things from the past. I'm choosing to let go of the pain and struggles of 2014 so that my hands are empty and ready to receive the blessings and beauty of 2015. As yourself today this; "what will you gain when you lose?" I love that quote and the thought of how when we truly let go of the past God has so much planned for us to gain because our hands are open to receive them. 1 Corinthians  2:9 "No eye has seen, no ear has heard no mind can imagine the plans that God has for those who love Him."

"I myself go before you and will be with you. So do not be afraid; not not be discouraged. I, your loving Savior, am also infinite God! I am omnipresent: present everywhere at once. This makes it possible for Me to go ahead of you-opening up the way-without ever leaving your side. The promise of My presence is for all time. No matter where you go or what circumstances you encounter, I will be with you. This is the basis of your courage and confidence" Sarah Young.

Freedom through and through.....

The more transparent I long to be the deeper I find myself hiding. As I tirelessly work to remove the layers of protection one by one the more I realize the hardness and imprisonment of my heart beneath. Instead of using all those layers as protection and safety against the storms of life it's become evident my own form of shielding and protection has become the very thing that strangles my heart from moving, beating, circulating and feeling, my heart has become hardened.

As I peer across the room filled with beautiful women crying out to Jesus I can't help but see her radiance, as I watch her worship I see such raw pure abandonment, and total surrender and freedom. Ten minutes before I sat stiff in my chair not trying to move an inch as I sat listening to her story and the terrifying pain she has endured through years of physical, sexual and emotional abuse. After awhile I started to feel nauseous because although she has faced so much, much more sorrow than I could ever imagine, I realized in that moment she has found freedom  and joy and I am still a prisoner. I realized that through so much in life I still allow myself to carry around my bags of burdens. Although I have heard of His grace and the freedom we can find through Christ somewhere along the way I found myself picking back up my burdens and allowing myself to be a prisoner again to the enemy and his schemes.

You see I know Jesus, I met Him and fell in love with Him many years ago and over the years He has held me in times of sadness and sorrow and has celebrated with me in moments of victory, but instead of allowing Him to carry the burdens and hurts of my heart completely I have crept in at times and taken it back. But what I realized sitting in the sanctuary last night is that life has beaten me down over and over the past few years so much that unconsciously instead of allowing myself to be hurt and broken again and again I instead started building up walls of protection to shield my heart from the pain. Instead of allowing myself to be vulnerable and exposed I started wearing around this armor to protect myself instead of taking the chance of being hurt, and instead it left me empty and numb and my heart cut off from the nutrients and nourishment it needs. I allowed myself to no longer feel joy, hope and excitement for today because I told myself that maybe tomorrow things would be better. I was constantly living for tomorrow and in the process I missed so many today's. I often said to myself "maybe tomorrow I wont be sick anymore and can be a better wife, mom and friend? Or maybe tomorrow when God fixes all my weaknesses and insecurities then I will be able to be used to serve Him. Or maybe tomorrow when the past is so far behind me I will be worthy enough of being His beloved."

Last night as I sat in my chair in the sanctuary ticked off, broken, sad, and used up I decided I was tired of waiting for tomorrow!!! You see I decided that because the Son has set us free that we ARE FREE indeed (John 8:36). I decided that instead of waiting to be fixed tomorrow, that the power of Jesus wants to penetrate every layer of my hardened heart and infuse new life into my soul so that TODAY I WILL BE THE BEST. Today I will be the best wife, mom and friend and through Him TODAY I will be used for His glory and kingdom because He knows every chapter of my story, He knows the past, the present and has planned a beautiful future filled with hope and purpose.

Jesus, create in me a pure heart and renew a new spirit within me. Transform my heart, my mind, and my being. Thank You Jesus that Your mercies are new each morning and Your faithfulness is beyond sufficient for me each day. Help me to hold tight to Your promises and grace and allow myself to feel the rawness of each emotion. Help me to continue to remove the layers of protection I have built up around my heart so that only You remain. I love You Jesus and thank You that even in the midst of my brokenness that I AM Your beloved yesterday, tomorrow, but better yet TODAY!

The day something changed......

I can’t precisely tell you the day or the hour it happened. It’s not like my wedding anniversary I wear etched on a bronze pendant around I my neck. It’s not circled in red on the calendar or written on an apt card at the bottom of my messy purse, but it should be. Somewhere along the way through the heartache, struggles, exhaustion and discouragement I lost my joy. Not like you lose your car keys or the other sock in the dryer or even your phone because really it’s still there underneath all the “stuff” and baggage, but my joy is gone. Each day instead of putting on my good glasses that help me see the world more clearly, the glasses that help make me aware of the joy and blessings right in front of me I have been putting on my shades. My shades make everything dark and dim and keep me stuck in a blah funk where I stay stuck in my pity party and focus on my suffering and hardships. I want my joy back, I want to live not focused on the things I don’t have or the suffering I am walking through but instead I want to focus on how good God is in the simplest things of everyday life. It's one thing to shout from the rooftops of triumph how great God is and another to proclaim it still in the valley of despair. God is great in the goodness of life, but God is real, raw, personable, tender, loving and sovereign in the not so good too.

“Rejecting joy to stand in solidarity with the suffering doesn't rescue the suffering. The converse does. The brave who focus on all things good and all things beautiful and all things true, even in the small, who give thanks for it and discover joy even in the here and now, they are the change agents who bring fullest Light to all the world. When we lay the soil of our hard lives open to the rain of grace and let joy penetrate our cracked and dry places, let joy soak into our broken skin and deep crevices, life grows. The clouds open when we mouth thanks" Ann Voskamp

1 Thessalonians 5:18 “give thanks in all circumstances; for this is God's will for you in Christ Jesus”

Today I decided that I cannot live one more day without joy. So I decided to take a challenge with the help of the book “One Thousand Gifts” Each day I am going to make a list of the things in my life regardless of how little or simple they seem and find joy in them. As words of thanksgiving leave my mouth for something good the Lord has provided a stake is being driven down deep into those unhealthy areas where I allowed my joy to be held captive to. 

We may not ever figure out the day or hour I lost my joy but I can say that on May 17^th, 2014 I, Amber Cameron am nailing a stake down and starting a journey to get it back and here is the beginning of my silly, little list:

Little pieces of joy

       Blueberry Candles

       Cuddling

      Take out for dinner

       Our gentle dog snoring

Hope for tomorrow......

Eek, was all I could mutter. There were cars lined up bumper to bumper as far as I could see and when I looked in my rear view mirror it was just as jam packed. Here I am trying to get onto the main highway on a Friday afternoon in rush hour in a big city. In that moment the panic started to set in, I felt my blood begin to boil and my patience were wearing thin. I was hot, nausea's, exhausted and done and just wanted out. In my head I thought to myself "ok I can't do this, I want out." I started looking around and realized I'm stuck and there is no other way out, there is no way for me to bail and the only way is to keep going, to keep traveling through the chaos and eventually I would make it through. Every time I get ready to jump on a busy highway in heavy traffic I think to myself "what if I decided now that I didn't want to keep going and that I wanted to bail?" Unfortunately when your driving 65mph and there are cars everywhere you can't just freak out and stop in the middle of the road because your scared. You can't just bail out and the only way through the chaos is to keep going and to keep traveling through the madness.

I know there are times where I feel like this in life. I look ahead and can only see chaos, I look behind and see the aftermath of chaos and in my own strength I'm overwhelmed, exhausted and done and I feel like I want out, I feel like I need a route to bail because its just too much. In that moment though the Lord whispers in my ear “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness” 2 Corinthians 12:9. In those moments God reminds me of His faithfulness and how far He has brought me and that if I trust in Him He will remain faithful and help carry me through the chaos and madness. Last year at this time I was physically, emotionally and even spiritually done. I felt like I was stuck in rush hour traffic in life and when I looked up ahead I only saw chaos and when I looked behind me I saw chaos. In the midst of deep heartache I looked down at the ground one day and cried out to the Lord and said "God I can't do this, I can't go through another single hurt and I need to know Your here" I still remember where I was standing and the feel of the air around me that day and as I looked up through tear clouded eyes I saw a butterfly gently fly by in front of me and in that moment I knew He was with me and that He would never leave me. "Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid or terrified, for the Lord your God goes with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you" Deuteronomy 31:6.

Today as I sit curled up in my rocking chair in a fuzzy blanket with a warm mug of hot tea in my hands I think back to that day and His promises. Regardless of the place or reason, big or small whenever I see a butterfly I am reminded of how far He has brought me and how much He loves me and has purpose and good meant for my life. I am reminded that He holds each tear in the palm of His hands and uses each piece of my sorrows to sculpt together a beautiful masterpiece in His timing. Romans 8:28 "God works all things together for His good." The beautiful thing about God is that His grace is more than enough for all of my mess and for yours as well. No matter what your facing, no matter how worn out, frustrated, and stuck you feel, He is more than enough. "Through Him we are more than conquerors" Romans 8:37. Through Jesus although my life is full of chaos and difficulties I have hope for today because He has promised good for my tomorrow.

I am weak.....

 

Though I am weak He makes me strong. 

As I stood in the second row of seats last Sunday morning I felt exhausted and on emotional overload. It had been a difficult week being in the hospital and with the passing of a family member and honestly I hadn’t even planned on being in church that morning because I still wasn’t feeling great but the Lord knew what I needed and he heard the whispers of my heart long before I could even make sense of them. “Lord God, Your Holy Spirit helps me in my weakness. I do not know what I ought to pray for, but the Spirit Himself intercedes for me with groans that words cannot express. And He who searches my heart knows the mind of the Spirit, because Your Spirit intercedes for me in accordance with Your will” Romans 8:26-27

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As worship began the walls of my heart came tumbling down and as we sang about the sweet name of “Jesus” my heart was pierced with so many emotions. Joy, thankfulness, exhaustion, and peace washed over me and hope flooded my heart. For the past 10 months each day has been a battle physically, emotionally and at times spiritually and on that Sunday morning I desperately needed to fall down before the feet of Jesus.  My prayer was this; “Jesus please make me strong enough that I may be weak.” The cry of my heart was that I wanted nothing more than for His strength to be infused into me physically that I could go to the alter in my human weakness and get on my knees and pour out my heart.  For so many months I couldn’t have imagined having the strength to physically get on my knees at the altar, there were many days I couldn’t even take off my own shoes at night and needed help from my family but this Sunday morning was different. Although I had just gotten out of the hospital and was battling a major infection, had a drain in my side and still dealing with lots of major healing In those moments the Lord gave me strength and took away the pain so that I could kneel at the alter and allow myself to be weak yet made strong through Him. There was power in that moment and every difficulty, trial, moment of pain and frustration the Lord traded for peace and comfort. As I laid my weaknesses before Him I felt Him embrace me with His loving arms and whisper hope into my heart. He reminded me that His mercies are new every morning and His faithfulness is always sufficient for each day. 

“You say to me, Lord, My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness. Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Your power may rest on me” 2 Corinthians 12:9.