More Than Enough.......

Why is it that it takes absence in order for us to appreciate blessings that we once took for granted. There is a saying that says "absence makes the heart grow fonder" and I believe there is validity to this statement. Over the past 3 years or so I have realized that indeed the absence of some very simple things in my life have opened my eyes to the reality that I took the littlest things for granted and only appreciated the big moments instead of each moment. Although health challenges have rattled our lives and shaken us up pretty badly at times we have taken on this new role for our lives and tried to embrace it. At countless times it's as if a veil has been lifted and my eyes opened because there is this new and fresh sense of perspective and appreciation over each blessing in my life. There are so many times where the simplest things throughout my days have helped me truly realize how crazy blessed I am. I have days where I throw myself pity parties but the Lord continues to remind me that it could be so much worse and nothing in this life is promised. Just as I grieve some of the lost simple moments in my life, I embrace what I do have and realize that tomorrow that could be gone.

When I got very sick 3 years ago Macie was only 4. At 4 years old you love being swung as mommy and daddy stand on both sides of you and swing you by your arms screaming "wee" with joy and excitement. At 4 you fall asleep in the back of the car after a long day and want someone to carry you inside and tuck you in bed. At 4 you still can't quite reach the water fountain and need someone to lift you up to get a cool drink. One of the most difficult realities though with me being so sick is not what I have lost but that regardless of how difficult our circumstances became our daughter was still a 4 year old with the same wants and needs. She didn't understand my physical limitations and although she was ever so patient with me it broke my heart that I couldn't be what I thought was "enough" for her. I couldn't swing her or pick her up or lift her for a drink and that to me was devastating. I remember many moments siting by myself crying because I felt like she needed more from me and although it was my best she deserved more. I beat myself up many times and even cried out to God broken hearted and at times mad because it seemed unfair and then it hit me one day as we were going up the stairs. It was a season physically that I was really struggling and not feeling well and it was exhausting for me to even go up stairs. As I stopped halfway up to rest it was everything I had not to start sobbing uncontrollably while I said to Macie "I'm so sorry Macie." Through her tiny little voice I heard back "its ok mommy I know your trying." A moment I will never forget, a moment that I realized although I didn't feel like enough, to her I was everything and more.

Even though physically I have limitations Macie sees my heart and devotion. I wonder how many of you feel like this with your relationship with God at times. I know there are moments where I feel like I can't quite measure up. I feel like I will never be enough and what God wants. I even have had moments where I wondered if God was disappointed in me and felt like I was a failure. In those moments though I hear the words to a song that say "You see the depths of my heart and You love me the same, You are amazing God."

This past week as I was climbing into bed I stopped in Macies room and my heart ached to hold her. My heart ached to turn the hands of time back 3 years ago and get back a moment in time that had been lost. As I bent down to kiss her goodnight I instead wrapped my arms tightly around her, picked her up and held her in my arms. It was a moment I will never forget and as she soundly wrested in my arms her eyes started to flutter and I heard those 4 sweet words "I love you mommy." 

 There are times when I still struggle with being enough as a mom, wife and christian but what I have realized is that Macie doesn't want a supermom but me as her mom. My husband doesn't want a perfect wife but me as his wife. And God doesn't want a perfect daughter but a broken daughter who is completely dependent on Him. Even in the moments where I feel insignificant and less than enough He can look into the hidden places in my heart and see my love and adoration for Him, He can see that I long to measure up and please Him and He wants nothing more than to hold me close and tell me how proud He is. God doesn't look at how together we are, God doesn't want superstars but just us in our weakest moments and most unattractiveness because that's what unconditional love is.