My husbands Grandparents Ray and Esta were married for over 70 years, and my Great Grandparents Earl and Bernice were married for 63 years. Both couples stood the test of time when it came to marriage. They both had been married for over 60 years and stayed true to their vows "until death us do part." to me trying to envision that period of time seems impossible, forever, crazy:) Maybe its because we have only been married for 14 years and we still have quite a ways to go. One day though I had a conversation with Grandma Cameron about her marriage and she told me "it felt like at some moments they were just married yesterday and it was hard for her to grasp it had been that many years."
When our daughter was born almost 13 years ago the c-section went quickly and within a matter of a couple minutes she was born. It blows my mind that in 2 minutes, or 120 mississippi's:) my life changed so dramatically and beautifully, and now as we prepare for her 13th Birthday I can't imagine our lives before her and all the 24 hours, 1,440 minutes, and 86,400 seconds we have shared together. Although time can be measured by Science its really the situation or circumstance that measures the length of those moments for us.
I have known friends who have been diagnosed with Cancer and upon hearing their diagnosis it was if time had completely stopped. We all are given the same amount of time each day, but I think the trials and triumphs have the ability to personalize how we measure time individually. Life has the ability each day to bring pain, sorrow, grief, joy, excitement, new life and death, and through ours own humanness we somehow let time jump forward, crawl backwards and there are even moments where time seems to altogether just stop.
When I had surgery 5 years ago I knew it would be a big moment in my life and my families lives, but instead of it being a trial in the past the impact it had on me literally made me feel as if time stopped. The world continued on around me and I tried living each day like everyone else but it was alot of pretending and still dragging the surgery junk into my new life that was evolving, I never wanted to accept how much that surgery still had kept me in bondage to it. "But most of all I didn't know how to travel light. "Odds are, I did this morning. Somewhere between the first step on the floor and the last step out the door you grabbed some luggage.You stepped over to the baggage carousel and loaded up. Don't remember doing so? That's because you did it without thinking. Don't remember seeing a baggage terminal? That's because you did it without thinking. Don't remember seeing a baggage terminal? That's because that carousel is not the one on the airport; its the one in the mind. And the bags we grab are not made of leather; they are made of burdens. The suitcase of guilt, a sack of discontentment. You drape a duffel bag of weariness on one shoulder and a hanging bag of grief on the other. Add on a backpack of doubt, an overnight bag of loneliness and a trunk of fear." (Max Lucado" I never wanted to admit the pain and disappointment it brought and how all that pain broke me down physically, emotionally and spiritually. It was if I was paralyzed in my fear, so much so that my identity had been changed. It's almost impossible at times for me to really imagine my life before surgery and to know that I was ok, I was happy and living and my own person. I wasn't attached to fear or worry but I was just free.
"You're Shattered
Like You've Never Been Before
The Life You Knew
A Thousand Pieces On the Floor
And Words Fall Short In Times Like These
When This World Drives You To Your Knees
You Think You're Never Gonna Get Back
To the You that Used to be"
Danny Gokey
See the person I was before the surgery is the person I long to be. I no longer want to life stuck in that fear and pain. Even if disappointment may still come I still want to try moving forward and leave the heartache behind, it has no place in my future so for now on it can be a mere memory. I know longer want to see my life since the surgery only or feel it like its always been there, i'm cutting the ropes and letting it go as I continue on, I no longer need to carry all that baggage of sorry and pain. It will be so much freer walking into my future without all that unnecessary bondage. Its time to move on and let the past be left in the past. I can still take away all the things God showed me and taught me along the way but it's time to use the pain and allow Him to Breathe New Life into it for good, it's time to use it in the future and say goodbye to the pain, its time to tell this heart to beat again!!!!!!!!!
"Tell Your Heart To Beat Again
Close Your Eyes And Breathe It In
Let The Shadows Fall Away
Step Into The Light of Grace
Yesterday's A Closing Door
You Don't Have to Life There Anymore
Say Goodbye to Where You've Been
And Tell Your Heart to Beat Again......."
Danny Gokey
To all who mourn in Israel, he will give a crown of beauty for ashes, a joyous blessing instead of mourning, festive praise instead of despair. In their righteousness, they will be like great oaks that the LORD has planted for his own glory.
