The more transparent I long to be the deeper I find myself hiding. As I tirelessly work to remove the layers of protection one by one the more I realize the hardness and imprisonment of my heart beneath. Instead of using all those layers as protection and safety against the storms of life it's become evident my own form of shielding and protection has become the very thing that strangles my heart from moving, beating, circulating and feeling, my heart has become hardened.
As I peer across the room filled with beautiful women crying out to Jesus I can't help but see her radiance, as I watch her worship I see such raw pure abandonment, and total surrender and freedom. Ten minutes before I sat stiff in my chair not trying to move an inch as I sat listening to her story and the terrifying pain she has endured through years of physical, sexual and emotional abuse. After awhile I started to feel nauseous because although she has faced so much, much more sorrow than I could ever imagine, I realized in that moment she has found freedom and joy and I am still a prisoner. I realized that through so much in life I still allow myself to carry around my bags of burdens. Although I have heard of His grace and the freedom we can find through Christ somewhere along the way I found myself picking back up my burdens and allowing myself to be a prisoner again to the enemy and his schemes.
You see I know Jesus, I met Him and fell in love with Him many years ago and over the years He has held me in times of sadness and sorrow and has celebrated with me in moments of victory, but instead of allowing Him to carry the burdens and hurts of my heart completely I have crept in at times and taken it back. But what I realized sitting in the sanctuary last night is that life has beaten me down over and over the past few years so much that unconsciously instead of allowing myself to be hurt and broken again and again I instead started building up walls of protection to shield my heart from the pain. Instead of allowing myself to be vulnerable and exposed I started wearing around this armor to protect myself instead of taking the chance of being hurt, and instead it left me empty and numb and my heart cut off from the nutrients and nourishment it needs. I allowed myself to no longer feel joy, hope and excitement for today because I told myself that maybe tomorrow things would be better. I was constantly living for tomorrow and in the process I missed so many today's. I often said to myself "maybe tomorrow I wont be sick anymore and can be a better wife, mom and friend? Or maybe tomorrow when God fixes all my weaknesses and insecurities then I will be able to be used to serve Him. Or maybe tomorrow when the past is so far behind me I will be worthy enough of being His beloved."
Last night as I sat in my chair in the sanctuary ticked off, broken, sad, and used up I decided I was tired of waiting for tomorrow!!! You see I decided that because the Son has set us free that we ARE FREE indeed (John 8:36). I decided that instead of waiting to be fixed tomorrow, that the power of Jesus wants to penetrate every layer of my hardened heart and infuse new life into my soul so that TODAY I WILL BE THE BEST. Today I will be the best wife, mom and friend and through Him TODAY I will be used for His glory and kingdom because He knows every chapter of my story, He knows the past, the present and has planned a beautiful future filled with hope and purpose.
Jesus, create in me a pure heart and renew a new spirit within me. Transform my heart, my mind, and my being. Thank You Jesus that Your mercies are new each morning and Your faithfulness is beyond sufficient for me each day. Help me to hold tight to Your promises and grace and allow myself to feel the rawness of each emotion. Help me to continue to remove the layers of protection I have built up around my heart so that only You remain. I love You Jesus and thank You that even in the midst of my brokenness that I AM Your beloved yesterday, tomorrow, but better yet TODAY!
